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It turns out that it's not "just stress" that makes me exhausted all the time.  (I put that in quotes because people say things are just because of stress as though stress is an imaginary entity, something that doesn't really exist and have actual impact on our physical bodies and world.)  My hematocrit is low, and my iron is extremely low.  That's not something that happens overnight, that is a chronic issue.  So, a good recipe for creating iron deficiency anemia is to be vegetarian for 20 years without paying much attention to what you are actually eating, have a diet high in carbs and not much iron rich food source, then lose 70 pounds, shed a large portion of your lean body mass, then get pregnant and breastfeed, all while adding ever-increasing stress to your life (especially the constant escalation of stress involved with living with someone in active addiction).  Seems legit.

My iron is low enough that my doctor wants me to skip the oral supplementation and go to IV infusions, 5 of them.  I hope that this will help increase my energy level a little, although I'm sure it's not the only cause.

I'm tired, but not just physically.  I am spiritually tired.  I have nothing left to draw upon.  I've been thinking a lot about how to get self care back into my life.  It's something that has slowly gone by the wayside, and I need to renew myself.

May Day

I've had nothing really to say in the past few months about weight loss.  I'm very discouraged.  I've gotten some fills, but still can eat plenty.  I try not to anyway, but my life has been so incredibly stressful in the past few months, weight loss just has not seemed like any kind of priority.  I'm hoping things are starting to take a turn for the better, but I have such a long way to go with weight loss.

One of the most discouraging things was being told not to run, that I should be doing resistance training instead.  I can walk, or swim, but no running until I have more lean mass.  It's extremely frustrating because I don't seem to be able to fit resistance training into my days.  I'm experimenting a bit with bits of resistance within my day--not going to a gym, but things like pushups, squats, stuff you can do with a few spare minutes.  But I feel very frustrated that the things that are easiest to fit into my schedule are things that I shouldn't be doing.  It seems like I should do whatever exercise works for me, but apparently not.

It would appear that the past few years have not been good for my lean body mass.  I lost 70 lbs, between the band and running.  That was apparently largely lean muscle that I lost.  Meanwhile, I was in grad school, probably not helping the cause much. Then I got pregnant and had a baby.  More lean mass lost, and fat gained.  And now I have a baby/toddler.  I now know why new moms have a hard time losing baby weight, because it is so difficult to find a good way to fit exercise into the day when you have so many new responsibilities, plus all the old ones.  I'm trying to be creative and flexible about it, but it is very, very hard.

I'm still gaining weight, and depressed about it.  My eating, frankly, needs a lot of improvement.  My restriction could improve, but I just feel really discouraged by my exercise restrictions and limitations and by the band itself.  I recently had a surgical patient who had had a DS (switch) and have really considered whether I should pursue revision surgery.  If I was certain that I was not going to have any more babies, I would do it right now.

So there it is.  My daughter is doing great, 19 months old now and adorable, so much fun to be with.  My job is good.  My husband has been struggling, but is doing a bit better now. I'm just exhausted.