I am still running but I am a little burned out. Tonight I planned to run...I planned to run last night, actually, but couldn't because I had no one to watch my daughter while I did...tonight I got home from work, planned to run, and even asked my husband to stay home when he wanted to go out because I needed to run. But then, I just couldn't. I was too tired, and I couldn't tell if it was physical or mental exhaustion, or if it even mattered.
I'm not this tired every day, so I am not afraid that it is anemia, or malnutrition, or effects from my weight loss or anything like that. I'm rarely this tired, and I don't know the exact cause, but it's acute, not chronic. The biggest and most obvious cause is probably that we are getting divorced.
I have kept much of my marriage out of my blog, and I intend to keep it that way. I will just say that while things have been difficult for us here, especially in the last few months, I wish nothing but the best for my husband. He has struggled enormously with his demons for as long as I have known him, and he has worked very hard to get to the place he is in now, which is much stronger and healthier than ever before. We will still be parenting our daughter for many years to come and so we will be connected in that way for a long time. I think we can ultimately be good friends after all of this has settled a bit--we still are, despite the difficulties of separating and divorcing.
Still, it's been very stressful for all of us, and seeing the stress on our young daughter just magnifies my own stress. I'm sure that, while running has certainly been a valuable stress relief through this time, it is also impacted by this stress, and the strain of running and training can be a drain as well. Plus weight loss...it all adds up, so I guess it's not surprising that every now and then I feel like I can't drag myself out for a run of any length after a work day. I have to reiterate this to myself, because it's hard not to be dismayed when something that has been a source of renewal and even at times joy is now feeling like a chore.
So, I didn't run yesterday, I'm not running today. Tomorrow I have a day off from work, and I am planning to go to yoga. I have missed my Saturday yoga class for 2 or 3 weekends now, so if I can get that in on Saturday too, that would be good. If I feel like running tomorrow I will, otherwise I won't stress about it (or I'll try not to). All the resources I looked at say that you can miss up to a week without impacting your training level, so I'm going to try to focus on sleep and cross-training this week.
But, here are the good things that have happened in the last few months with weight loss: All my sizes are back at their all-time lows again. I'm in my skinny jeans and slacks (6's) and my small scrubs. A year ago I was in large scrubs (hospital issued, so more like an XL in normal sizes). I can run a 9 minute mile consistently, and 8.5 or a little less if I try. I am pretty settled in eating, although I can still overeat if I am not careful. I'm much less likely to do so now. I am satisfied with about 1/2-3/4 c. food, usually 1/2 but tonight a little more. My BMI still measures 29, but I'm not terribly concerned with it. I don't think I could really stand to lose more than 15 pounds at the most and still be healthy for my build. And I don't plan on losing 15 more pounds. As far as quality of food goes, I think I am doing better than I did with the band. My food choices still fluctuate with moods and hormones, but for the most part I crave less junk than I used to. I am much more able to try something that looks good but is not a great choice, and toss it after one bite if it doesn't live up to my expectations. I don't waste stomach space on crap as much as I could with the band. That's not to say that I have given up chips and cookies and that sort of thing--not at all--but I would say that it's easier to either walk away or be satisfied with a few bites of it now.
Overall, if you asked me whether I could recommend the band or the sleeve more, I would say first, you found a surgeon who still places bands?!? Most bariatric surgeons say that the vast majority of their band surgeries now are either fixing slipped bands or removing them altogether. And second, unreservedly, yes, the sleeve is worth it. It's not for everyone. If you really want to, you CAN defeat the sleeve, but you kind of have to work at it. When it's full, it's full, game over. You have to make good choices, and make sure you aren't eating unless you are actually hungry (that isn't easy for a lot of reasons), and sure it's "a tool" like everyone will tell you over and over. But for me, it's way more effective than the band ever was, even with my 7 month plateau last year.
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