Bitchfest

I did it again. I headed out for a run that I thought would be around 4 miles and it turned out to be 5.1. I'm trying to be good and not increase my mileage too much, but once I start feeling really good, about 25 minutes into the run, I just want to keep going. I didn't feel so good going out, though. I was up this morning at 0445 for IV's in the SAU (surgical admit unit), then an intubation in the OR at 0630, then 2 classes. I felt like a blob when I got home, zero energy. So I headed out with my iPod this time, hoping the music would pep me up. I found that it did, during my warmup, but once I was running, it kept me out of tune with my body, and I was slogging along instead of feeling strong and enjoying the run. So I finally figured out that I should turn the music off & take the earbuds out--duh! So much better. No more running with the 'phones. I'm better off without them.

IV's sort of sucked...I missed a few, and we had to leave at 0630 instead of 0645, which got the charge nurse all bent out of shape. They are very used to having students there to start all their morning IVs now, and take every opportunity to call our program directors and complain when something doesn't go the way they think it should. Luckily, our PDs take it all with a grain of salt and know that we don't pay tuition to start IVs...that is a small part of what we do here. I have a feeling the charge will complain to John about us leaving early this morning, even though we leave early EVERY WEDNESDAY because we have airway on Wednesdays... Whatever. I finally figured out "who" this person is...she is exactly like a nurse that I used to work with in Portland who was difficult to deal with...and now I know how to approach her, so it doesn't really bug me anymore. At least I got my intubation, and had a pretty good OR experience.

I'm finding myself getting anxious as clinicals approach. I've pulled out every flash card I've made since January, and I'm reviewing and gathering info that I'll want in the OR, while also doing my current studying of course. I'm tense at school, too. It's impossible to overestimate how hard it is to go from being an expert nurse in the ICU to a complete newbie who knows nothing. Not only do I feel anxious about not knowing anything and looking dumb, but also about everything I have to learn, and being safe, and keeping my patients safe. I know I'll get through it, but the anticipation is killing me. To make me feel better, I guess, my CRNA today (Larry) told me not to worry, I'd always feel dumb in clinical! Even when I'm near graduation. LOL. I had to laugh. But he meant that in a nice way. It's okay to be new and to know nothing, that is what is expected of us and we have to learn to put our egos aside and allow ourselves to be novices.

The fitday logging continues. I had a day around 1000 cal, yesterday was about 1200 as today will be as well. I hope this is enough fewer than what I had been eating to stimulate some weight loss, because it will be more difficult to reduce it further than that. At some point I'll have to do that anyway, but I'd rather put it off.

I read something on the lapband board today that really irritated me. There's a thread for nurses, and of course there are many nurses who have been banded. (We have a reputation for being fat, and for availing ourselves of everything medicine has to offer, for better or worse.) It's kind of nice. But someone posted today about having been banded 2 weeks ago, and how the liquid diet was "killing" her so she advanced herself to solids. Okay, I did that too, for a day, until I read about WHY my doctor had required this (and why they all do, it really is for a reason) and then I went back to my prescribed diet. I was going to reply with the reasons for following the diet as prescribed, until I saw her ticker. Her STARTING BMI was 30--what mine is after losing 60 lbs! Her goal is a BMI of 19. Who the f*@! banded her? What is that? I considered myself a "lightweight", with a starting BMI of 42--which was high enough that Regence (BCBS) covered my surgery. A starting BMI of 30? I just couldn't be bothered with giving her advice. I'm sorry, maybe that's snotty or catty or whatever. I don't care. Is this like "gastric bypass light?" Do people think if they have a little extra weight--40 lbs or so--that they should just get banded? This is serious surgery. There are serious risks. The health risks of having a BMI of 30 are not sufficient to warrent having bariatric surgery. That really got me riled up. If she wants to go get a lap band and then ignore the prescribed aftercare, fine, have fun. Don't come crying to us when your band slips or you can't deal with figuring out fills and restriction and you're barfing all the time. Gack!

I can say this because I am one--Nurses are Crazy!