I am so glad this is the last day of January. This month has sucked donkey balls. Sorry folks.
I'm becoming increasingly sensitive to statements out in the world about everyone else's perfect homes and marriages and children and lives. I know perfectly well that no one has a perfect life or home or family or whatever. But it seems like that is all people are talking about these days. Everyone gets along so great with their mate, they are the absolute best friend/partner/parent/etc. they could ever hope for. Being a wife and a mom is just the most PERFECT thing ever! Et cetera. Even in light of the current economic state of this country, people seem to be projecting this image as much as ever.
It's easy for me to feel bad about this. I'm going to be 36 this year. I do not own property. I am unemployed, and so is my husband. He is an alcoholic. Our marriage is in trouble. I long for children every day, and every day this seems further and further away.
Yet, on paper, this could be spun completely differently. My husband is also smart, funny, capable and very loving. I am in school to enter a promising career, even in these economically difficult times. The vast majority of my debt is from school loans, which should not be difficult to pay once I am done with school. Kids? Hopefully, next year. That one is harder for me to spin right now.
It's easy for me to long for what others seem to have. I have to remind myself that most of the world is kind of like me, and wants everyone to think that their life is great. Our lives are reflections of the choices we have made, and we want people to think that we always make great choices. Only now, I can't pretend this anymore. I only have room for the truth in my life now, for better or worse. I can't tell people that my life is great because I want them to think that (and leave me alone). I am not in the business of showing my dirty laundry to everyone I encounter, but I'm not going to pretend that everything is perfect when it so clearly is not.
I'm pretty close to my weight loss goal, and I am a good example of the notion that just because you lose weight does not mean your life is magically fixed. Problems you may not have even known (or perhaps admitted) you had will tend to surface when you can stop fixating on this one aspect of your life. The world view becomes a little wider.
For now, I take refuge in the Truth.
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5 comments:
Hi, Gwen:
I just want you to know that your forthright attitude, your clearheadedness, and your sweet sense of humor are the reasons I enjoy your blog, and why I continue to visit. I've been banded for a little less than a year, and I've appreciated your (web) presence during my adjustment to banded life and weight loss. As a full-time worker, wife, and mother, I appreciate hearing from someone whose success and kindness transcend our differences. Thanks for staying with your blog! And I hope you can feel my good wishes beaming toward you from NYC. (http://home.earthlink.net/~mamabi/index.html)
You're right, weightloss doesn't solve the problems of the world. In fact it created more for me.
But you know its true what they say, the truth WILL set you free.
It's funny, but I was playing bunko with a bunch of ladies, and one of them commented on how jealous they were that I had gone to Mexico twice last year (extremely lucky). I kind of smiled and kept playing, but she didn't let it go and kept up with the comments. Finally, I looked up at her and said that I'd much rather have what she had. She asked what that was. And I said a home full of children, laughter, going to after school games, yelling and screaming and Christmas around the table with family. She looked at me and smiled, because she knew I was right. The grass always looks greener, but when someone who can't have children points out the three blessings you have, it's hard not to get it.
You are right. No one lives the "Beaver Cleaver" life, and most people only let you see what they want you to see. I'm looking forward to February too.
Gwen,
Thanks for being honest and sharing with us!
We never truly know how people live their lives, hell half of us don't even really know our own husbands or wives!
I have grown up in a family of alcoholics, so can in some way relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling.
Keep your chin up and keep looking forward.
Bel (banded 5 days)
Oh, and congrats on your weight loss! I hope to be as successful as you in that area.
I keep coming back to read your entries because you ARE so real and you don't sugar-coat the TRUTH. Keep workin' it, girl! You're waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay stronger than you give yourself credit. ;)
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