Sea Change

I am living in the middle of a drama storm. I don't know how I got here or how to get out.
In the past week, I have discovered that my husband has been engaging in compulsive, risky sexual behavior and is an alcoholic. After I discovered those two things, he was in a car accident and got a DUI. Last night he was suicidal, with a clear plan. I called 911, and he is in the hospital on a hold.

I have debated on whether to blog about this or not. Obviously it is utterly consuming my life right now. Finally I decided that I simply cannot pretend that this isn't happening. Some of you have been friends, all of you have been engaged and kind as readers of this blog. There are obviously many details to this sordid story that I am not going to post online. I am devastated, and trying to figure out my next move, taking one day at a time.

Because we live 400 miles apart, my hubby was able to lead a double life. As far as I can tell, he did not drink when he was with me. Alcoholics and addicts become expert manipulators and liars, and he hid all of this from everyone for a long, long time, especially those closest to him. He is hurting and desperate now, and I have to decide how to be loving while not making the behaviors worse or preventing him from experiencing the consequences of his actions, so that he can make the changes he needs to make. Only he can make them. I have no control whatsoever.

I don't know what will happen from here. I do not have any other personal experience with addiction--my family does not have a history of chemical dependency, and I have never been with another partner who did. I am a nurse, and I've worked with thousands of patients who were addicts, but that is completely different. I have to learn what this is all about, how it works, and how to help rather than make things worse. I also have to decide how much I am willing to do or go through at this point, and what is the right thing to do for me.

Fortunately, my directors of my program are very understanding and supportive. They know what is going on, and that I am struggling to keep my head above water at this point. My one overriding goal, above all else at this point, is that I must finish school, no matter what. I need this for me. We are broke, and broken. But no matter what else happens, I must finish school.