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Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Different Path

I am now, temporarily, a single mom.

My husband had a serious relapse after a long series of small relapses. I won't go into the details, but there was plenty of heartache to go around. Finally, he agreed to inpatient treatment, and the recommended program is in a southwestern state. He left on Thursday morning, and will be gone for a minimum of 30 days, and likely 60-90 days in total.

Because of our history, I entered into parenthood with the knowledge that I might be a single parent eventually, but I don't want to be. And if this treatment program goes well and my hubby truly achieves meaningful recovery, then this will be a temporary bump in the road. But in the meanwhile, I'm piecing together a life for Lucy and myself on our own. I have twice as much childcare to pay for, and no personal time at all. Lucy is disrupted--sleeping poorly, wants to be held all the time. She's not really fussy, but normally she can entertain herself for a decent period of time.

I really should find a counselor for myself, and an Al-Anon meeting. But that requires more childcare, which isn't really in the budget. I don't have a large support network in Portland, because I have been focused first on my pregnancy and then with parenting since I moved back here. Also, things have been falling apart for several months, and I've isolated myself. So now I am working on cultivating some support. So far, I've had some luck, thankfully.

Did I mention that the program is very expensive? And we just lost a large chunk of our income by sending hubby to treatment? Thankfully our insurance pays for part of it, but the remaining portion is still staggering. I make a good income, but I don't know if it is enough--I've already had to borrow money to get this started.

I haven't really had much time to think about all that has transpired yet, but I know that is coming soon.

Hey, at least I've lost a little weight! But I'm finding that I have a bit of reflux when I am really stressed. I don't usually have it, and no food ever gets stuck or comes back up, I still never barf. I don't think the band needs to be loosened.

This program is really our only option, though. Addiction is deadly, and I know he will die early without real, meaningful treatment and recovery. I do love him dearly. And I do believe that addicted people are sick, not bad. But that doesn't keep me from hating the behavior, or being angry and hurt, and resentful for being left holding the bag here at home. I guess you could say I'm struggling.

That's my stuff today.


Lee Ann said...


Sorry you are going through this. I know, as a sister, what it's like to deal with an addict. My brother has struggled since we were teenagers. At times I'm so mad at him that I could spit fire. And other times my heart just breaks because I know he tries. I can't imagine what it's like being married to someone struggling with addiction.

I've never been to al-anon but I wonder if there are any on-line forums where you could get some support...that way you wouldn't have to worry about childcare. Just a thought.

I just wanted to send some love your way.

Something About Kellie said...

I am so sorry but glad your husband is getting the treatment he needs. Thinking of you xx

jenfromtheburgh said...

My thoughts go out to you during this difficult time...take care of yourself and your beautiful baby. Hugs!

Jo said...

I am really sorry you are having to go through this Gwen. You have so many things going on in your life right now.

I hope the very best for your husband in treatment and for all of you in finding your way through this. Addiction has such a sinister side in the way it brings upheaval to the lives of those we love.

Don't forget to take time for yourself to keep your sanity. That is important as well.

As far as your band goes, try and not eat anything for several hours before bed and avoid drinking anything for at least an hour before bed. But - I'm sure you know that already :)

You are in my thoughts...

Robin said...

Gwen, I sincerely hope all works out for you and your family.

sparkly said...

Gwen, I'm so, so sorry to hear this, for you and for the baby. If I were closer, I could be as much help as you need (since I'm unemployed); I wish I were.

For now, I recommend the Al-Anon meetings (did a few years there myself), and take the baby with you if you have to, they will understand.

If there is anything I can do, anything, please let me know, and it will be done.

Hugs to you and that adorable baby,

allthatsparkles dot jules at g mail dot com

me-moving-forward said...

Thinking of you Gwen xx