Stir Crazy

39 weeks and 5 days. But who's counting?

I'm becoming more stir crazy, cranky, and lonely by the day. And bored. Yet, my mind isn't really able to focus on much other than baby, or getting baby out of me. It seems like a waste not to be working, except that I don't have much focus, and don't think I can tolerate either the 13 hour days or the pushing and walking involved. I have a stack of books and a couple knitting projects, and of course my baby shower thank you cards that still haven't gotten done. But these things aren't helping much.

I learned early on in the pregnancy that this can be a very lonely time for us women. Even though many, many women do experience pregnancy and birth at some point in their lives, when you are actually experiencing it, it is still an isolating time. I find my brain wanting to isolate and focus in, and I'm experiencing things that I feel dumb complaining about or talking about. Yeah, everybody knows that being late term means not sleeping, having lots of back pain, heartburn, etc. But it sucks! And I do feel somewhat trapped in my body. It's been long enough now that the mystery and fun and beauty of pregnancy has worn off, and I'm ready for the next stage. And hearing people warn me about the sleeplessness and endlessness of the next stage doesn't make waiting right now any easier or better.

I sit at home each day, and my husband mostly works from home. I think he's sick of me being around, most of the time. I don't have many friends in Portland now--being gone for 3 years will do that, and a lot of people did move away in the meanwhile. I only worked at my new job for 2 months, so I didn't establish close friendships there. So I hardly see anyone at all. I try to stay active--walking, going to the gym to swim, sitting on my yoga ball instead of on the couch, doing squats. Sometimes I worry that this loneliness and lack of interaction is going to really blossom when I am home with a newborn, but what do I do about that now?

I'm just ready to move on.

Due...almost

I was planning on working until my due date, which is in 10 days. But this past weekend things seemed to be moving undeniably toward labor (yes, on Labor Day weekend), and when I went back to work on Tuesday, I was miserable enough that I threw in the towel. My supervisor was extremely understanding and supportive, and I went on leave at 38 weeks exactly.

At first I felt terribly guilty about this. I've found that many women who worked during their pregnancies have told me similar things about it: you don't want to be waiting around at home, you don't want to spend any of your maternity leave pre-baby. There is a sort of pride about it, working until you deliver. But after a day of feeling like a weenie for dropping out of the race, I'm over it. My job involves 13 hour days, a lot of which are pushing stretchers with patients on them down long halls to and from operating rooms, bending over to do things on the OR floor like empty urine bags and pick up all the stuff I drop, and sitting in (or avoiding sitting in) incredibly uncomfortable chairs while monitoring my patients under anesthesia. There isn't much space up at the head of the bed for walking around and relieving back labor. Plus, having a patient on my last day who was "ruling out" for VRE (a particularly nasty multidrug resistant organism) reminded me that every patient in the hospital has the potential to pass along a bug I might not want my newborn daughter to get when I deliver her.

Plus, I don't mind having the time to get my head in a new space, and being able to do as much or as little activity as I see fit to do right now. Yesterday, I was walking around a lot and being more active, but today I just haven't been able to do much at all. I have great plans to do all this cooking for after the birth, go grocery shopping, write my shower thank-you cards...but I haven't been motivated today. This blog post is the most ambitous thing I've been able to do yet.

My profession has made me a little more educated about pregnancy and delivery than I used to be, and perhaps more so than the average person, but one thing I didn't really get before is how ambiguous labor signs can really be. Not just the fact that contractions can start and stop multiple times, but that you can be unsure if they are actually contractions. Or if what you are experiencing is 'progressing' or not. Or if your water has broken or not. If it's your first time, not only can you be unsure yourself, but there are a hundred other women to tell you their hundred different experiences, which doesn't add clarity. I want something more definitive, but I haven't gotten it. And being stuck in a moment in time, unable to see if an hour or three from now things will be more obvious (as I know they eventually become...usually), is terribly disorienting. I find myself losing perspective. For every woman who tells me knowingly, "Oh, you'll know," there is another whose experience was not knowing she was in labor for hours, or days.

Anyway, I'm ready to be done. I realize it may still be a few weeks, or it may be any day.

Getting There

I am 36 weeks and 3 days along...only about 3 1/2 weeks to go, if you don't count the rumor that most pregnancies, on the average, ACTUALLY go 41 weeks before delivery. I choose to ignore that rumor.

I have had an uneventful pregnancy. I had morning sickness in the first trimester, reflux in the second which has extended up until now (and isn't going away yet), back pain now. Bladder troubles, which while totally normal, are SUPER annoying and embarrassing. (DON'T tell me to do more Kegals! They are NO MATCH for a hugely pregnant uterus, grr.) But nothing on that list has been unusual. Baby Lucy is totally healthy by all appearances, and kicks the living snot out of me constantly. (Rarely does this bother me.) Honestly, I can't complain about this pregnancy at all.

But, I'm officially ready for it to be over. As much as I wanted to get back to work...and I did, and I do enjoy my job...this week my back pain is just telling me that this is all foolish, what the hell am I doing still working?

I am entering the "one-day-at-a-time" phase. I can make it one. more. day.

Before, my thinking was that pregnancy discomfort would be the same whether I was at work or at home. But now, I just want to lie down and rest my back. Now, walking and pushing stretchers for 13 hours is too much.

I definitely need the salary, which ends once I go on leave, and I need the health benefits, which also end until I return from leave, so I at LEAST need to get into September. And I want as much of my maternity leave to be spent with the baby as possible. So I still go to work, at least next week. We'll see about the week after that...

But, now for the complaint-free part. The baby's room is finally done, and we are happy with it. The room has white siding on one wall and is painted taupe for the other walls...we are renting, and I hate to paint, so I just decided to leave it the way it was. Our crib, changing table, glider and armoire are all set up and filled with baby things. I made linens and curtains out of cute Amy Butler fabrics in pinks and oranges. And I'm having a small shower next weekend. I've ordered the car seat (baby can't come for a week, until we get it...). The bassinette is in our bedroom. The "stuff" part of being ready is pretty much completed. Of course, that's the LEAST of "being ready."

And since this is ostensibly a band blog, I can report that I have gained about 22 pounds for the whole pregnancy. I measure exactly on target for size. I'm sure I'll gain a little more, but I have room to do so, if I can eat enough. The truth is that my stomach doesn't hold much now, and that's true for most pregnant women at this point. As long as baby still looks healthy, my OB has no concerns. I am pretty sure that I would have gained much more without the band. Hopefully, between the band and nursing, it won't take too long to lose the baby weight after Lucy is here. I've stayed healthy otherwise too--BP is normal, no GD, nothing but the usual pregnancy complaints.

I hope to post some baby bump pics, and some pics of the nursery, but it's taken me this long to even blog, so I am not making any promises.

Alien

First things first...does anyone know how to stop the Chinese spam from invading my comments? I moderate them, but it is getting really annoying.

Next up, I have started my new job, and even received my first paycheck (which was WAY smaller than I expected, btw, but still nice to get). Things are going well...I am off orientation tomorrow (gulp!) and swimming on my own. I am still not sure how 13 hour shifts will go for me as my pregnancy gets closer to completion. As it is, I use the restroom every hour, which has been feasible while I have been orienting (and thus had another provider to cover for me when I left for the restroom) but when I am on my own I will be at the mercy of someone else being available to watch my patient while I go. It's all part of the deal, of course, and will only last for another 8 weeks or so...

I do like the job a lot, and everyone I have worked with. People seem to enjoy working for the group, and enjoy each other. The OR atmosphere is much more respectful of everyone in it than where I trained. No one is allowed to have tantrums and unprofessional outbursts, which was more common than it should have been in Spokane. It makes things more collegial, more respectful, and frankly, safer. It will take a long time for me to meet everyone and for everyone to get to trust me. A really long time, since I will barely have established who I am when I go on leave. But that is also expected.

I can't really complain about the pregnancy. Everything I am experiencing is normal, the usual back pain and heartburn, the usual feeling huge and unwieldy, but it is a healthy, normal pregnancy, thank goodness. I have only gained 20 pounds to date, which is probably just fine but surprises me nonetheless. I'm sure I'd be looking at a lot more weight gain without the band!

One thing that has surprised me is how little I can eat now. I get hungry very quickly, but I get full way faster than I ever did prepregnancy, no matter how tight the band has ever been. I'll ask my OB at my next appointment if I ought to have more of an unfill, but I don't think what I am experiencing is unusual for any pregnant woman, band or not. I don't think an unfill would necessarily change it, but I'll ask. Nothing ever gets stuck or anything, I have nothing distinctly "band related" to point at. I just get full very quickly. I don't necessarily STAY full, but again I think that's pretty normal.

The baby moves all the time! I think it's funny that they advise women to do "kick counts" a couple times a day to make sure there isn't a decline in fetal movement. Lucy moves all the time. No need to count, and I can't keep track. I hear a lot of women talk about how their baby's head is here, or feet over there, or the baby is hiccuping, or doing different things. How do they know? I don't have a clue what's going on in there. I just know it feels like an alien moving around all the time. It's strange and interesting, but I can't tell what part is what or exactly what she's doing in there.

And finally, here's one thing that losing 70 pounds before getting pregnant did for me: I have been able to grow into my belly (my extra belly flab, that is) without any stretch marks. I know I can get them, because I got all kinds of stretch marks when I gained weight. But nothing new on my belly, and I still have a little skin left to go before it gets tight. Sweet! I may get out of this without any new stretch marks, which would be really cool.

If anyone is still reading out there, thanks...I know the updates have been infrequent, and perhaps not that interesting. But this is just how it is right now. There is a lot going on, and I don't have that much energy. I guess that probably won't get any better up until and after I deliver, so I'll just do my best to post something interesting when I can.

New adventures in the Rose City

We are moved, but not really settled. We've been here about 3 weeks now. I'm about 85% unpacked. That last 15% is the really annoying part...stuff you haven't really found a place for, things put in their general area but not organized. It probably won't all be done before I go back to work in a couple weeks.

I've found with this move that my tolerance for the stress is lower, and my energy is a lot lower. I can only work for a couple hours before having to rest. My belly gets tight and sore, and I get very tired. I guess it goes with the territory, but as many times as I've moved before without these issues, it is a little frustrating. The move itself was the most stressful one I've ever done. Issues with movers, lots of stuff to move 400 miles, having to pay more money than we actually had, etc. At the end of 28 months of grad school, we are broke as a joke. It will nice to start getting a paycheck again.

Baby seems to be doing well...kicking a lot. I worried for so many weeks that I wasn't feeling movement when I thought I should be. Yes, I know it's my first baby, and I started out a little bit heavy, and like most women at this stage of pregnancy I have an anterior placenta still, so all of these things add up to not feeling much movement for a while. But she's moving and shaking now. It's startling to see my whole belly just move on its own every now and then. Fun, and yet alien in a way.

The day we moved to Portland, everyone in town informed us that it had been raining for about 2 months straight. People here have been going crazy with the lack of sunshine. We continued to have about 2 more weeks of straight rain, and we've only had a couple sunny days in between. I've lived in this before, and I will take it over having to shovel snow in the winter. But the sun is out today, which is lovely.

I went for a walk today (or should I say a waddle), to get outside and relieve some of the restlessness and boredom. I probably walked a couple miles, although I can't tell because my pedometer website is down. I'm showing enough now that people smile at me when they see me. People love to see pregnant women. I don't think most of them (perhaps even the ones who have been pregnant themselves) realize that the pregnant lady is often feeling rather bewildered by the whole state of things. At least, based on my own experience and my interactions with other expecting moms. It often feels like I've been abducted by aliens and returned, but just not quite the same as before. I feel looser and clumsier and slower, and of course bigger.

And it's amazing how 3 months can seem so far away, and yet so frighteningly near. It's not fear of childbirth, or having a newborn. It's feeling unprepared, in about every way possible. We aren't even close to ready to bring a baby home...no furniture, almost no stuff. No money. And that's just the material aspect of it. And I'm not startled by the idea of having a baby, but when I see a 5th grader, or a teenager, I realize I will have one of those, too...and that is very startling. Even thinking about potty training a toddler seems impossibly distant, or just impossible.

Most of all, I guess I'm lonely. My husband is mostly working from home, and working ridiculously long hours. I think I see less of him than if he worked full time for a company. I'm not working yet, so I don't see many people. I've reconnected with a few friends in the area, but not many. My supportive community I built up in Spokane is now far away. And pregnancy can be a lonely time, I am finding. While lots of other people have experienced it, it can still be an isolating experience, and very individual. I'm lucky that I've been healthy throughout it all, and my baby shows no signs of problems. But I'd like to see some people now!

Moving again

So, I'm taking a breather from packing the house to blog about packing the house. I feel like I am becoming something of a pro at moving. I'm not thrilled about that, but it's true. And I've kind of got a system by now.

I didn't move at all as a kid. My parents decided they wanted us to stay in the same school district when we were growing up, so we were lucky that we didn't move when I was young. My parents moved into the house I grew up in a few months before I was born, when my dad was still in the Army, but he retired from active duty when I was about 3, and we stayed until my parents divorced about 16 years later. By then, I had started making up for lost time myself, as a young adult.

I moved a couple times before going to college, and 4 times while I was an undergrad. Nothing extraordinary for a young person starting out...we start out renting cheapo little apartments, our needs change, we want to live somewhere else or we get restless, or we have bad roommates. Whatever, you live and learn.

Once I got married and then later divorced, I decided I wanted to stay somewhere for a while, and I bought a condo. I lived there, in my condo in Seattle, for about 3 years before I decided I wanted to become a travel nurse. I packed most of my belongings in my best friend's garage, and started taking contracts around the country. I lived in about 6 different places, moving about every 6 months, and enjoyed it. Then I ended up in Portland, and met my future husband there.

I'm not sure why, but we've been moving ever since. Most of it was within Portland, a couple of the homes we had were actually second homes, times that he was working in a different city from where we lived, so we were actually renting two places. But by the time we had been together 1 year we had lived in 3 different places already (4 if you count the second place we got in Seattle when he worked up there). Now we are preparing to move to home #9 for us, in just 6 years together.

I think I might be a little crazy this way, but all this moving has made me a box hoarder. I never throw out my moving boxes until they are no longer usable. I stash them everywhere (this time we have had a great basement where I could flatten them all and put them under the basement stairs, but we had to be pretty creative at our last place). I write on the tape that I close the box with, so I can rip it off and re-label it the next time. If the box is actually written on itself (I always use a black Sharpie) then I just reuse it for the same thing next time.

Every time I have to move again, I see these little idiosyncracies that I've developed over the years of moving, and it makes me wonder if other people are this way. I know we aren't the only ones who move so often. It hasn't really been for any particular reason, and we aren't in the military (obviously), but just one thing or another. I sometimes wonder if we will ever just buy a home and settle down, but I don't know. Even when you buy a home, you rarely end up just staying in it forever. I mean, how do you know it's your last move? You don't.

So, I'm doing it again. It's tiring, but in some ways I like the organizing that packing and unpacking forces you to do. We've reduced our things about as much as we can at this point. Usually I use several weeks for packing, from the non-essentials to the last-minute things, but this time I had to force myself to keep studying, and trust that we could get it done in a week when I was done. It is the kind of lifestyle that my grandparents' generation couldn't really imagine, but it seems pretty common these days. Home is where you make it, I guess.

Milestones

I graduated, yay! And then, I took my National Certifying Examination (boards) yesterday, and passed! Yay! So now I have completed all the requirements for licensure as a certified registered nurse anesthetist, and just have to wait for the state of Oregon to grant my license. And wait for credentialling at my hospital, which will hopefully happen in time for me to start work by July 5.

So, that's great. I had been studying for boards since January, but once I graduated on the 7th, all I had to do was study. I'm not the best at concentrating on dull material for hours on end, especially at the end of this long marathon of a program, and especially while pregnant, with that hormone-induced fog pregnancy can cause. I love anesthesia, but studying in that format was hard, and two and a half weeks of it nearly drove me mad. In addition, finding a good study spot was hard. I liked to study at the library, but I couldn't get comfortable there. I could only last a couple hours before my back or my butt started complaining too much and I would have to leave. So then I studied at home for the last week or so, which was much more comfortable, but our city has been tearing up the street we live on (a relatively busy one) for a month or so, and the noise right outside the window was at times unbelievable. I used earplugs, barricaded myself in the back of the house, but it still made it tough. I'm so glad that is over, and I don't have to do it again!

Now, my job for the next week is packing the house. More on that later. We move on June 3 to Portland.

Meanwhile, the baby is doing fine. At 23 weeks, I am finally feeling what I recognize to be kicking, which is kind of fun. I've chosen a bunch of beautiful Amy Butler fabrics to make a crib set out of, all in pinks and oranges, and am looking forward to unpacking the house, getting some baby furniture, and sewing that all up. We had another ultrasound this week because our little girl wouldn't move enough to see the cord insertion and all of her spine last time, so we got to peek at her again, and she seems to be doing great.

My only major complaint in the last few weeks has been the heartburn. It just gets worse as time goes on...I really don't think doing anything more with the band would help, as I can already eat quite a bit and I don't think there is any over-restriction issue by any means. It seems pretty clear that as the baby takes up more room, the heartburn gets worse. It doesn't matter what I put in my stomach. So I was on Pepcid for a while, then Prilosec...then both...all while taking lots of tums every day. Finally I called my OB and he put me on Protonix, which has helped a lot more, but doesn't last all day, so in the evenings it's still tums or an occasional Pepcid. Ugh. It's really a bummer.

But all in all, I would have to agree with everyone who says the 2nd trimester is a good time in pregnancy. Packing the house makes me more tired this time than when we did it 6 months ago, but that might have as much to do with everything that has already happened this month (graduating, studying and taking boards) as it does with being pregnant. I'll be in the 3rd by the time I start work, and I hope I am able to work until the end, but I can see how it could get hard.

Whew...

I finished my coursework last week, and am graduating this Friday. Wow! There is so much to do, and so little time, it seems. I am trying to study as much as I can. My family will be coming in on Thursday for the Friday graduation banquet, which is also my hubby's birthday.

Then after that, a couple more weeks of studying, and hopefully I can schedule my board exam for right before Memorial Day, so I'll have about a week to pack up and move on June 1. We are moving back to Portland. I received 3 job offers, and accepted a position at my former hospital, which I am very excited about. It sounds like it is going to be a great opportunity in a great department. We just got back yesterday from Portland, after spending the weekend looking at houses and apartments. We chose a lovely place in Northeast Portland.

And! We just got back from our anatomy ultrasound. Baby looks healthy, although she wouldn't move enough to get a good look at the cord. Yes, it's a girl! My hubby couldn't believe it...his family rarely produces girls, he has two sons now, and he kept asking if the tech was sure it was a girl. But the images were pretty clear. I had a pretty strong feeling we were having a girl, but didn't want to be set on that, so it's nice to have the pictures and be able to pick a name and not think of the baby as "it" anymore.

So, things are moving along quite quickly...we are busy, but happy and feeling fortunate. I'm healthy, and so far the weight gain seems on track. I'm definitely feeling anxious about it, mainly about losing it afterward, but trying not to worry too much. The good thing is that I still have restriction even though I had fill removed around 10 weeks (or whenever that was). So I have no reason to think the band won't work for me after delivery. I'll just have to get used to eating the old way again...I've been satisfying my cravings through this pregnancy, although trying not to go overboard. I'm not in an "eating for two" mentality (I'm obviously getting enough calories for baby) but when I want something, I go ahead and have it. :)

I do feel lucky that I was banded before getting pregnant, because I think I would be eating way more without it. I've gained about 12 pounds at this point; who knows how much without the band?? With all the risks associated with excessive weight gain during pregnancy, especially for those of us on the "fluffy" side pre-pregnancy, I'm glad I have some help in keeping it in check.

So, I don't know how much blogging is going to happen in the next few months, but I will try to keep some updates coming as time goes along. And some pictures, at some point...

14 weeks

Hmm, yeah....

I just haven't felt like there was much to post. Still pregnant. 14 weeks and 1 day, all testing fine so far, all systems go. I don't think I have another US until May, so it will be a while until I find out if we are having a boy or girl, unless I see my OB at work again and convince him to do a freebie US. :)

(I did see him last night when I worked 3-11. He was hanging out in L&D, waiting for a patient to get her epidural from a colleague of mine so that he could check her and see if he could deliver her baby. We chatted and watched the UNC-UAB game.)

I can report that my slight unfill to 2.5 cc was totally the right thing. I still have restriction, amazingly, and yet am more comfortable. According to my home scale, I've gained 6 pounds in the pregnancy, which I think is not bad. I do still have fairly regular heartburn, but I don't think that has anything to do with my band and don't think it would help even if it was totally unfilled. It's just pregnancy heartburn, it's mild and occasional, and it is what it is. 80% of pregnant women have heartburn. Mine happens sometimes after I eat. Tums helps.

In the meanwhile, I am still jobless and graduating in 44 days. My hospital doesn't know if they can offer me a job yet. I have one interview done elsewhere (Seattle) and don't know yet if they will tender me an offer. I have 2 more interviews in 2 weeks (Portland). I hope to know something soon, like, am I moving?? Can I work?? But, meanwhile I am just going to work and being patient.

Second trimester is much nicer than first, like everyone says. All my symptoms are better, I'm really not nauseated anymore, and I have more energy. I still get tired easily, and sometimes still take naps, but it's not nearly as bad as that first trimester fatigue. Ugh. I can even start studying again, which is nice.

So thanks everyone, for reading. I want to send a special shout-out to my blogger friend in Texas with her broken leg with her baby plans on hold--I feel good things are in store for you, I thank you for your support, and things will get better soon! And I hope this is the year. :)

Update

Well, life has taken off, and I haven't blogged...I expect it will probably be like this for a while. Things are crazy busy now with school ending in just over 2 months (?!) and trying to find a job SOMEWHERE and having a baby...

I was finding myself eating a lot to quell the morning sickness, and then getting overfull and uncomfortable. Not barfing or PBing at all, but very uncomfortable. Then I was also having pretty frequent reflux, so I went back to the band doc for an unfill. I wasn't sure if they would insist on a complete unfill or if I could get away with just a partial.

As it turns out, the PA I saw actually didn't have any experience with pregnant bandsters. (Say what?) Being in the fairly secluded and specialized world of bariatric surgery, he didn't really have experience with pregnant women at all, and didn't understand why I would tend to have more reflux in only my first trimester. (Answer: increased hormones like relaxin start early in pregnancy, causing the lower esophageal sphincter to loosen and reflux as a result.) He didn't really see why I needed an unfill at all, and questioned whether I could keep my eating under control with no fill in my band. I answered: no! I can't! I'd prefer a small unfill please, just 1cc?

So I went from 3.5cc to 2.5cc. It has helped a great deal. I can eat, but I still have reasonably good satiety. The reflux is almost gone now, just the occasional Tums. And I have the morning sickness under better control (thank you B6, Unisom and Phenergan) so I don't have to keep eating all the time to keep that under control. I've gained about 6 pounds, more than I'd like at this point but still not terrible.

The pregnancy seems fine. I'm having a screening ultrasound in a couple weeks, and I'm going for all the testing, due to my "advanced maternal age". I want to be prepared for anything. There is a history of birth defects in a family member, so I want to know ahead of time if I should be prepared for something.

Someone asked in the comments if I have to tell potential employers that I am pregnant. That is a dicey question, and there's no easy answer to it. I am going to tell anyone that I interview with, at or before the interview. I think it's only fair, since I am looking at taking leave about 3 months after starting work, if all goes well. If they don't hire me because of it (which is technically illegal) then it's probably not a place I'd want to work anyway. I want them to know that I wish to start work as soon as possible, and I don't want any later problems of trying to figure out how to tell them.

Finding work with a pregnancy hanging over it all isn't easy and is a bit more stressful. But there is no perfect time to have a baby, and I'm just glad this is all going okay so far. Fingers are still crossed, though.