Little Rewards

I did remodel the blog a little, added some links that you can see at the right margin. I was reading updates on some of the blogs that I read this winter in preparation for my surgery. It's always entertaining to read what people put on their personal blogs. I am impressed by how much of themselves people put "out there" when they have WLS. I'm not comfortable listing my weight for the entire internet to read, personally. One DS blog that I like to read makes me laugh because this woman is as addicted to Sephora as I am. Ha! But I made a New Year's Resolution not to buy more makeup unless I have to replace something I use every day, and so far I have kept it, and it's almost April. I rule! (I also have a LOT of makeup.)

I will weigh myself on Monday, but I probably shouldn't. I have eaten my pureed foods, but today wasn't exactly a Good Food Choices day. I did get my protein, at least. And a lot of sugar. Oh well, start over tomorrow.

Reading the other blogs, especially the non-bandster blogs, and seeing people's success photos...somehow I just have a hard time envisioning myself like that sometimes. Or I find myself wondering if I should have had a more drastic but effective surgery instead. But then I try to remind myself of all the reasons I chose the Band over the others. And I realize that I have to accept more responsibility for my success because there is no malabsorption to assist me in my weight loss. It's all choices and upkeep. I CAN overeat and eat the wrong foods and drink my calories and sabotage my weight loss. Can I keep from doing that? I hope so.

Friday blahs

It's Friday, and I can't believe I'm almost to 3 weeks post op. The time is going much more quickly after the first week. In 1 1/2 weeks I'll be able to eat normal foods, and probably 2 weeks later get my first fill. That might actually happen on my first post op visit, as that is actually about 5 weeks out. I'll have to see how Dr. Hong feels about first fills. I hear a lot of people talking about their docs only doing fills 1 day a week or at certain times. I never thought to ask that of my surgeon. I would imagine that if need be, the other two surgeons in the practice would do fills for him, since they are all partners, but I'll have to ask and find out.

I've done 3 partial days of light duty, and was planning on going back in today, but I am so tired and just feel blah. I had an eye appointment at 1045 which I didn't get out of until noon (he's always at least 30 min late to see me), then I had to deposit a check and then I read a bit and took a nap. It's a lazy day and I just couldn't bring myself to do this boring desk work today when I am not sure when I'll even get the energy to go work out. Ugh.

There is nothing new band-wise to report so I'll just add a few features to the blog: a list of links and other goodies at the side.

Back to the Grind

I went back to work yesterday doing "light duty," which for bedside nurses basically means desk work. Doing desk work is not easy when you are used to being up, moving a lot and caring for patients. I am 2 weeks out now and need at least 1 more week of lifting restriction, which is what is keeping me from caring for patients right now. So there are lots of little projects for me to do at work...my manager is taking a new job in May so she has lots of things she wants to wrap up...and I'm helping out some other management types by doing some reviews for our computer charting system that will be coming sometime next year. This way I don't have to use all of my sick time.

Things are moving along in Band World. I'm eating my purees and abstaining from weighing myself. Nothing much to report.

Hubby helped me get my oxygen tank exchanged yesterday, so I'll be able to make more beads tonight. :)

Restaurant strife

I'm getting into more and more confrontations about restaurants. We used to go to restaurants several times a week, and I haven't done so since surgery, of course, but I have been asked to several times. Restaurants are scary for me. I don't eat normally and I am afraid to watch other people eat normally. It probably won't be as hard to deal with as I think it might be, but I don't want to take a chance and I don't want to be tempted to stray from my instructions. I also don't want people watching me eat and watching what I eat and maybe questioning my choices. I am not dead certain about the choices I make anyway. It's hard to explain, and I didn't exactly understand this before surgery, but the only difference in me between preop and post op is a small, loose piece of silicone around my stomach. I don't have any pain or any sensation different from preop. I seem to be able to eat the same amount of food if I try to. I don't have any warning signs that I might be doing the wrong thing. I feel *TOTALLY* normal. And my brain is the same too, of course. So it's just an exercise of willpower and the reminder that I had a pretty major surgery for this purpose that keeps me from eating whatever I feel like. The willpower is tested at home a lot, and I'm just not ready to take the show on the road, more psychologically than anything else. I don't want to do battle over this. It's just not something I'm ready for yet. That's hard for the people I spend the most time with, because either my presence is obviously lacking, or they don't go out either. Either way it impinges on their plans, too. I feel really, really badly that other people have to deal with this as much as I do, but I don't see a way around it.

I am PMSing, I have cabin fever, and I have a lot of food guilt and food grief. It's a gray mucky spring day in Portland. Bleh.

"Bandster Hell"

Not much is new. I'm retaining a bit of water, so I have a slight weight gain for now. I'm not terribly worried about it, and I'm not going to weigh daily anymore. The weight loss should slow down now anyway, since I'm going to increase my calories a bit. It's senseless to be under 700 cal a day. It certainly won't encourage my body to shed excess weight, so if I hope to continue losing before my first fill, it will need to be slow, and I'm not going to let myself get so hungry anymore. Strict liquids and purees now, though. I've been thinning out beans and potatoes and blending soups, and I still have at least 1 protein shake per day. I usually have met my minimum of 50gm protein before noon anyway.

What I hear in practice from fellow band folks and what I hear from the nutritionists at the O.I. are pretty different. The nutritionists painted a bleak picture of an extremely austere diet in this stage (and forever, actually). The truth seems to be that early on, people do what it takes to get through this "Bandster Hell" phase, whether that means sugars and starches or not, and even later in the more active weight-loss phase, focus on making good choices at least 80% of the time and have an occasional treat and still lose weight just fine. That seems smart. I do want to limit the refined sugars, but for now will just do that modestly. As long as everything is the right consistency to slip through the stomach and not make it churn, so the sutures heal well, I'm not going to sweat the rest of it too much, except getting protein and about 20% fat, as I was instructed by the nutritionist for post op. I still struggle with getting enough water.

I am reading a good book, "You: On A Diet". It's written in a kind of gimmicky, cutesy way, but has really good information and great cartoonish illustrations. It's pretty no-nonsense and sensible, and cites a lot of research, although it's hard to say if it's interpreted correctly without doing a lit review. So far it's been engaging and informative, especially the focus on obesity as an inflammatory process and the way our diets contribute to inflammation and cause other problems for us. Thumbs up.

To eat, or not to eat?

I'm giving this purees issue a lot of thought. I've been pushing the "purees" line by figuring that soft solids chewed A LOT surely is as good as pureed? But I'm reading OH.com and feeling guilty. I have a tool that perhaps I am mistreating. But here's the thing, and I can see why some folks apparently get a bit fed up with obesityhelp.com ...I had no idea that I would spend so much time HUNGRY. Not head hunger, I mean stomach growling, physical hunger, unable to distract yourself from the HUNGER. There are some slightly preachy (though I'm sure well intentioned) posts there about how you have to deal with your emotional eating issues, the band is on your stomach not your head, you have to figure out how to deal with head hunger, etc etc. All excellent points, and they are totally right on. But what about the actual growling hunger, physical hunger? What's up with that? Is that the 800 lb gorilla in the room that no bandster wants to talk about?


Why can't people just say that yes, without restriction, you are hungry? Really hungry, sometimes?




I do have emotional eating issues, as I think many, many people do. No doubt there. But that is something I have been dealing with for a long time before I ever considered WLS. And honestly, I don't really find myself wanting to eat so much out of boredom, loneliness, anger, frustration, whatever as I do out of actual physical hunger.

The full liquids and purees regimens that my surgeon's nutritionists outline are sensible, pragmatic, and nutritionally complete, as much as one can be on so few calories. It's hard to stick to for a long time. Maybe I just need more calories, and then I will feel more satisfied? I get plenty of protein, less than 100g of carbs, about 20% of my calories are coming from fat. But I'm consistently eating less than 800 cal, and for the first several days that was totally fine. No problem. The last 3 days I've been okay too, on the purees, which technically I should still not be taking until next Tuesday. But my band is so loose, the purees go right through too, and my stomach doesn't have to do any work.

I'm hearing that advancing the diet too early might seem fine at the time, but later can lead to slips (band slips) because the stomach didn't heal properly around the band. I'm looking for some documentation on that; so much of what the WLS community says doesn't seem to be necessarily backed by reliable research, so I take some of these claims under advisement for the time being. But proper healing is the point of the liquid and puree phases, and that's a point well taken.

So...I'm going to back it off to true purees. And I'm going to eat more calories, and add some treats. I'll continue tracking everything on www.fitday.com and continue getting all the nutrition that I am now. But I'm still going to eat tuna, I'll just whirl it in the blender a little first. The more real protein I can get, and the less reliance on powders, the better.

Lucky, lucky, lucky

-12.6

I'm lucky to have a good life in a great part of the world, lucky to have a husband I adore and who adores me, lucky to have plenty of income and opportunities to advance myself. Lucky to have great family around me, good friends, plenty to eat, drink, and do to entertain myself. Lucky to have been able to do just about everything I have wanted to do before having kids, lucky to be healthy and able to have them later. Lucky to be well respected and well educated. Lucky not to have a face only a mother could love. :) Lucky not to live in a war zone or an undeveloped country without resources or means for survival. And I'm lucky to have had this surgery that is improving my quality of life as we speak, and to have lost 12.6 lbs in 8 days for the first time in my life, without having part of me cut off or putting my health at risk. :)

OK, barf-fest over. I just feel lucky, is all.

On a sad note, I discovered today that a woman who used to work at my hospital finally died of the leukemia she was diagnosed with in December 2005. Jet was the nicest cashier in our cafeteria. She worked the night shift, had neat tattoos and remembered everyone who ever came through our line. Her many friends rallied behind her as she refused (wisely, in my opinion) to have a bone marrow transplant, a treatment that is often worse than the disease. She was a sweet girl and will be missed by all.

Lucy and the Band: 7 Days of Weight Loss

My surgery was 1 week ago. I've uneventfully started myself on purees a week early. Is this wrong? I know a lot of people have done it, I know that the general guidelines account for the people who have restriction post op and the people who don't, as well as the swelling and gentle treatment of the sensitive stomach and esophagus adjusting to surgery. I get all this. But everyone HATES being on liquids, and it's obvious why. You don't get full except full of liquid, and you are hungry. Not I'm-gonna-chew-my-arm-off hungry, but enough that the little bird brain kicks in and tells you to start rummaging until the hunger is relieved. And you can't do that! I happen to know that my band was extremely "loosey-goosey" when it was placed, in the words of my surgeon. (Everyone names their band, it seems. Perhaps mine should be Lucy? Maybe my surgeon named it for me.) And I saw the contrast shoot right through my band the day after surgery. Allowing for some swelling beyond that, but also taking into account how I feel when I "eat", I still don't think I'm restricted. So, purees? Sure. I'll just try to keep it to 2 oz. per 15 minutes, as instructed by the nutritionist. And I'm making some sugar free jello.

I'm only down another 0.8 lb today, but I think that is PMS water retention. It's still 10.8 lbs in 1 week, which has never happened in my life before. I felt almost normal today. I had a lot of energy in the morning, did some errands with hubby in the morning, then did a Costco run and went to Bed Bath & Beyond for a digital kitchen scale. I got home and unloaded everything, ate a bit and...ran out of gas. I'm not 100%, I guess, but I do feel pretty good. I thought I'd go to the gym but the weather is ok so I think I'll go for a walk with hubby instead. And we're going to see a movie tonight! How exciting.

On another nice note, Grandpa had his follow up gallstone removal done, and went home from the hospital today. He looked as weak and shaky on Saturday as I've ever seen him. I guess he has a right to be, at 91 years old, but he's a strong, sturdy farmer, always on the move, even at his age. We'll see him in a few days, and hopefully he'll be doing better by then.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~Will Rogers

I caved...and I'm glad

Tonight, I had the by now familiar feeling: tummy feels full of a gallon of water but tummy also growling. Ever so faintly, but still. All I had eaten were a cup of soup and a protein shake and those were hours before. My sweet hubby has soup with me in the evening, and he has a can of tuna. I decided to try some tuna. I mixed a little with a little mayo to make it a little softer, chew chew chew, then chew more...and voila. No problem. Not only did it go down fine, and satisfy my need to chew, but I got full without the gallon-of-water feeling. I had a little soup as well (that might be against the rules since it's actually sort of having liquids with a meal) and was full. Plus a nice amount of protein to boot...I'm pleased! I'll have some tomorrow, too.

I am down 10 lbs! While the scale at my doctor's office might be the most "official", I consider my own weight tracking to be more accurate because I check my weight at the same time on the same scale when I get up and before I get dressed. I know I can't blame variances on my clothes or shoes because I'm not wearing them. And as any good critical care nurse will tell you, the accuracy of the measurement is not as important as the trend you record. So, 10 lbs down in 6 days. I'll take it!

Day 5

My tummy feels a lot better today than yesterday. I was still feeling bloated today when I got up and I forgot to weigh myself until the afternoon when hubby asked me about it...I'm down another 3 lbs for a total of 8. I can hardly believe it. 8 lbs in 5 days? That doesn't happen for me. But since I'm lucky to get in 1000 cal a day during this liquid phase, it's not too surprising. I just hope I don't regain when I go to foods.

I'll probably start the purees a little bit early. I'm not ready yet, but I probably will be before 2 weeks is fully up. I am so anxious to have some sashimi! OMG.

Last night I woke up from a nap shaky and nauseous. I actually thought I would have my first vomiting episode, then I realized I was dehydrated. It doesn't feel good with all the water sloshing around in my belly, so I don't drink as much as I should. I did push the fluids after that and felt better.

Post op day 5 recap: belly less painful, less sore. Still need to push the water intake. Not feeling too hungry or nauseated today. Walking every day. Beautiful weather here today, nice evening walk around the neighborhood with hubby. And 8 lb weight loss. I'll take it!