Moving again

So, I'm taking a breather from packing the house to blog about packing the house. I feel like I am becoming something of a pro at moving. I'm not thrilled about that, but it's true. And I've kind of got a system by now.

I didn't move at all as a kid. My parents decided they wanted us to stay in the same school district when we were growing up, so we were lucky that we didn't move when I was young. My parents moved into the house I grew up in a few months before I was born, when my dad was still in the Army, but he retired from active duty when I was about 3, and we stayed until my parents divorced about 16 years later. By then, I had started making up for lost time myself, as a young adult.

I moved a couple times before going to college, and 4 times while I was an undergrad. Nothing extraordinary for a young person starting out...we start out renting cheapo little apartments, our needs change, we want to live somewhere else or we get restless, or we have bad roommates. Whatever, you live and learn.

Once I got married and then later divorced, I decided I wanted to stay somewhere for a while, and I bought a condo. I lived there, in my condo in Seattle, for about 3 years before I decided I wanted to become a travel nurse. I packed most of my belongings in my best friend's garage, and started taking contracts around the country. I lived in about 6 different places, moving about every 6 months, and enjoyed it. Then I ended up in Portland, and met my future husband there.

I'm not sure why, but we've been moving ever since. Most of it was within Portland, a couple of the homes we had were actually second homes, times that he was working in a different city from where we lived, so we were actually renting two places. But by the time we had been together 1 year we had lived in 3 different places already (4 if you count the second place we got in Seattle when he worked up there). Now we are preparing to move to home #9 for us, in just 6 years together.

I think I might be a little crazy this way, but all this moving has made me a box hoarder. I never throw out my moving boxes until they are no longer usable. I stash them everywhere (this time we have had a great basement where I could flatten them all and put them under the basement stairs, but we had to be pretty creative at our last place). I write on the tape that I close the box with, so I can rip it off and re-label it the next time. If the box is actually written on itself (I always use a black Sharpie) then I just reuse it for the same thing next time.

Every time I have to move again, I see these little idiosyncracies that I've developed over the years of moving, and it makes me wonder if other people are this way. I know we aren't the only ones who move so often. It hasn't really been for any particular reason, and we aren't in the military (obviously), but just one thing or another. I sometimes wonder if we will ever just buy a home and settle down, but I don't know. Even when you buy a home, you rarely end up just staying in it forever. I mean, how do you know it's your last move? You don't.

So, I'm doing it again. It's tiring, but in some ways I like the organizing that packing and unpacking forces you to do. We've reduced our things about as much as we can at this point. Usually I use several weeks for packing, from the non-essentials to the last-minute things, but this time I had to force myself to keep studying, and trust that we could get it done in a week when I was done. It is the kind of lifestyle that my grandparents' generation couldn't really imagine, but it seems pretty common these days. Home is where you make it, I guess.

Milestones

I graduated, yay! And then, I took my National Certifying Examination (boards) yesterday, and passed! Yay! So now I have completed all the requirements for licensure as a certified registered nurse anesthetist, and just have to wait for the state of Oregon to grant my license. And wait for credentialling at my hospital, which will hopefully happen in time for me to start work by July 5.

So, that's great. I had been studying for boards since January, but once I graduated on the 7th, all I had to do was study. I'm not the best at concentrating on dull material for hours on end, especially at the end of this long marathon of a program, and especially while pregnant, with that hormone-induced fog pregnancy can cause. I love anesthesia, but studying in that format was hard, and two and a half weeks of it nearly drove me mad. In addition, finding a good study spot was hard. I liked to study at the library, but I couldn't get comfortable there. I could only last a couple hours before my back or my butt started complaining too much and I would have to leave. So then I studied at home for the last week or so, which was much more comfortable, but our city has been tearing up the street we live on (a relatively busy one) for a month or so, and the noise right outside the window was at times unbelievable. I used earplugs, barricaded myself in the back of the house, but it still made it tough. I'm so glad that is over, and I don't have to do it again!

Now, my job for the next week is packing the house. More on that later. We move on June 3 to Portland.

Meanwhile, the baby is doing fine. At 23 weeks, I am finally feeling what I recognize to be kicking, which is kind of fun. I've chosen a bunch of beautiful Amy Butler fabrics to make a crib set out of, all in pinks and oranges, and am looking forward to unpacking the house, getting some baby furniture, and sewing that all up. We had another ultrasound this week because our little girl wouldn't move enough to see the cord insertion and all of her spine last time, so we got to peek at her again, and she seems to be doing great.

My only major complaint in the last few weeks has been the heartburn. It just gets worse as time goes on...I really don't think doing anything more with the band would help, as I can already eat quite a bit and I don't think there is any over-restriction issue by any means. It seems pretty clear that as the baby takes up more room, the heartburn gets worse. It doesn't matter what I put in my stomach. So I was on Pepcid for a while, then Prilosec...then both...all while taking lots of tums every day. Finally I called my OB and he put me on Protonix, which has helped a lot more, but doesn't last all day, so in the evenings it's still tums or an occasional Pepcid. Ugh. It's really a bummer.

But all in all, I would have to agree with everyone who says the 2nd trimester is a good time in pregnancy. Packing the house makes me more tired this time than when we did it 6 months ago, but that might have as much to do with everything that has already happened this month (graduating, studying and taking boards) as it does with being pregnant. I'll be in the 3rd by the time I start work, and I hope I am able to work until the end, but I can see how it could get hard.

Whew...

I finished my coursework last week, and am graduating this Friday. Wow! There is so much to do, and so little time, it seems. I am trying to study as much as I can. My family will be coming in on Thursday for the Friday graduation banquet, which is also my hubby's birthday.

Then after that, a couple more weeks of studying, and hopefully I can schedule my board exam for right before Memorial Day, so I'll have about a week to pack up and move on June 1. We are moving back to Portland. I received 3 job offers, and accepted a position at my former hospital, which I am very excited about. It sounds like it is going to be a great opportunity in a great department. We just got back yesterday from Portland, after spending the weekend looking at houses and apartments. We chose a lovely place in Northeast Portland.

And! We just got back from our anatomy ultrasound. Baby looks healthy, although she wouldn't move enough to get a good look at the cord. Yes, it's a girl! My hubby couldn't believe it...his family rarely produces girls, he has two sons now, and he kept asking if the tech was sure it was a girl. But the images were pretty clear. I had a pretty strong feeling we were having a girl, but didn't want to be set on that, so it's nice to have the pictures and be able to pick a name and not think of the baby as "it" anymore.

So, things are moving along quite quickly...we are busy, but happy and feeling fortunate. I'm healthy, and so far the weight gain seems on track. I'm definitely feeling anxious about it, mainly about losing it afterward, but trying not to worry too much. The good thing is that I still have restriction even though I had fill removed around 10 weeks (or whenever that was). So I have no reason to think the band won't work for me after delivery. I'll just have to get used to eating the old way again...I've been satisfying my cravings through this pregnancy, although trying not to go overboard. I'm not in an "eating for two" mentality (I'm obviously getting enough calories for baby) but when I want something, I go ahead and have it. :)

I do feel lucky that I was banded before getting pregnant, because I think I would be eating way more without it. I've gained about 12 pounds at this point; who knows how much without the band?? With all the risks associated with excessive weight gain during pregnancy, especially for those of us on the "fluffy" side pre-pregnancy, I'm glad I have some help in keeping it in check.

So, I don't know how much blogging is going to happen in the next few months, but I will try to keep some updates coming as time goes along. And some pictures, at some point...

14 weeks

Hmm, yeah....

I just haven't felt like there was much to post. Still pregnant. 14 weeks and 1 day, all testing fine so far, all systems go. I don't think I have another US until May, so it will be a while until I find out if we are having a boy or girl, unless I see my OB at work again and convince him to do a freebie US. :)

(I did see him last night when I worked 3-11. He was hanging out in L&D, waiting for a patient to get her epidural from a colleague of mine so that he could check her and see if he could deliver her baby. We chatted and watched the UNC-UAB game.)

I can report that my slight unfill to 2.5 cc was totally the right thing. I still have restriction, amazingly, and yet am more comfortable. According to my home scale, I've gained 6 pounds in the pregnancy, which I think is not bad. I do still have fairly regular heartburn, but I don't think that has anything to do with my band and don't think it would help even if it was totally unfilled. It's just pregnancy heartburn, it's mild and occasional, and it is what it is. 80% of pregnant women have heartburn. Mine happens sometimes after I eat. Tums helps.

In the meanwhile, I am still jobless and graduating in 44 days. My hospital doesn't know if they can offer me a job yet. I have one interview done elsewhere (Seattle) and don't know yet if they will tender me an offer. I have 2 more interviews in 2 weeks (Portland). I hope to know something soon, like, am I moving?? Can I work?? But, meanwhile I am just going to work and being patient.

Second trimester is much nicer than first, like everyone says. All my symptoms are better, I'm really not nauseated anymore, and I have more energy. I still get tired easily, and sometimes still take naps, but it's not nearly as bad as that first trimester fatigue. Ugh. I can even start studying again, which is nice.

So thanks everyone, for reading. I want to send a special shout-out to my blogger friend in Texas with her broken leg with her baby plans on hold--I feel good things are in store for you, I thank you for your support, and things will get better soon! And I hope this is the year. :)

Update

Well, life has taken off, and I haven't blogged...I expect it will probably be like this for a while. Things are crazy busy now with school ending in just over 2 months (?!) and trying to find a job SOMEWHERE and having a baby...

I was finding myself eating a lot to quell the morning sickness, and then getting overfull and uncomfortable. Not barfing or PBing at all, but very uncomfortable. Then I was also having pretty frequent reflux, so I went back to the band doc for an unfill. I wasn't sure if they would insist on a complete unfill or if I could get away with just a partial.

As it turns out, the PA I saw actually didn't have any experience with pregnant bandsters. (Say what?) Being in the fairly secluded and specialized world of bariatric surgery, he didn't really have experience with pregnant women at all, and didn't understand why I would tend to have more reflux in only my first trimester. (Answer: increased hormones like relaxin start early in pregnancy, causing the lower esophageal sphincter to loosen and reflux as a result.) He didn't really see why I needed an unfill at all, and questioned whether I could keep my eating under control with no fill in my band. I answered: no! I can't! I'd prefer a small unfill please, just 1cc?

So I went from 3.5cc to 2.5cc. It has helped a great deal. I can eat, but I still have reasonably good satiety. The reflux is almost gone now, just the occasional Tums. And I have the morning sickness under better control (thank you B6, Unisom and Phenergan) so I don't have to keep eating all the time to keep that under control. I've gained about 6 pounds, more than I'd like at this point but still not terrible.

The pregnancy seems fine. I'm having a screening ultrasound in a couple weeks, and I'm going for all the testing, due to my "advanced maternal age". I want to be prepared for anything. There is a history of birth defects in a family member, so I want to know ahead of time if I should be prepared for something.

Someone asked in the comments if I have to tell potential employers that I am pregnant. That is a dicey question, and there's no easy answer to it. I am going to tell anyone that I interview with, at or before the interview. I think it's only fair, since I am looking at taking leave about 3 months after starting work, if all goes well. If they don't hire me because of it (which is technically illegal) then it's probably not a place I'd want to work anyway. I want them to know that I wish to start work as soon as possible, and I don't want any later problems of trying to figure out how to tell them.

Finding work with a pregnancy hanging over it all isn't easy and is a bit more stressful. But there is no perfect time to have a baby, and I'm just glad this is all going okay so far. Fingers are still crossed, though.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your outpouring of encouragement! It means so much, coming from my bloggy friends.

Here's my status: I am nauseated, exhausted, spacey, bloated, gassy, and have sore boobs. In other words, pregnant. Not barfing, at least. No heartburn. I'm keeping my fill for the time being. But I know it won't be forever. And I feel like I'm already gaining weight without control anyway. I've put on 5 pounds and am not "showing" except that between bloating and plain-old weight gain, I look more pregnant than I am. I had an early ultrasound last week that showed things are on track, and they moved my due date up to September 22. My first official appointment is in 2 weeks.

All this stuff with my body is screwing with my head. It's weird to try to be accepting of the changes happening, when I am so anxious that I'll never lose the weight again--even though I know that's probably not true. And there is so much going on right now, and trying to find a job while pregnant is a challenge, since I have to tell people that I'll be going on leave just a few months after I start.

But at the same time, it is exciting. And I know that anything can happen at this point, but so far things are looking good. With all the uncertainty and anxiety, it is still exciting to finally be expecting a child.

I'm considering whether I should have a separate pregnancy blog. I'd like to blog this stuff, but I can't imagine who would want to read another pregnancy-only blog, so maybe I'll just keep it here and keep it relevent to my experience as a banded preggo.

Thank you again, you guys are terrific. :)

Shifting Focus...

Dear Blog,
I'm not avoiding you. I've just had a change of focus, and wasn't sure whether, or when, or how to address it on the blog. I'm not trying to lose weight right now. I'm pregnant.

I have been struggling with the "who to tell, when to tell" thing ever since I found out just over a week ago. On the one hand, with my first pregnancy at an "advanced maternal age", I am, naturally, at a somewhat increased risk for miscarriage. I don't want to have to tell dozens of people if that happens.

On the other hand, I had to tell the people I work with early, because I can't do certain kinds of cases anymore. (Very early pregnancy is an especially critical time for exposure to radiation and nitrous oxide.) And I have told my family, and a few close friends. But the blog? The blog, and my blog friends, are kind of different. Here I can talk about what I have been obsessing over ever since I found out. And if I am unfortunate and do lose this pregnancy, I can say it once and everyone here will know. Plus, someone might wonder why I'm not still trying to lose 15 pounds.

So, yes, I am excited and so is hubby. There is so much going on, trying to study for boards, finish school, and not barf in the middle of it all. I am hoping against hope that my nausea (which really just started a couple days ago) doesn't turn into vomiting, because I don't want to have to have the fill removed from my band. I know a lot of people do automatically. But because I have never had barfing or heartburn before, and because I can get plenty of calories the way I am (OBVIOUSLY, more than I need if not pregnant), I don't see why I can't let the band keep my weight gain to a reasonable amount. I am starting overweight, so if I can keep my weight gain to about 20-25 pounds I'd be happy. I doubt I can do that with an unfilled band, though. But if I have any barfing or reflux, I will have the band unfilled. And my OB may insist, when I see him in March, that I have it unfilled before the end of the first tri anyway, while they still can. We'll see.

In the midst of the exhaustion, the soreness, and the nausea, I am sharing my "secret" with the internet. I am so scatterbrained right now, I'm really having a hard time focusing on school at all. If all goes well, I am due Sept 26.

Article: If Obesity is unhealthy, then why are the cures for it just as bad? (Double X Blog)

A lot of this is stuff we already know, but I'm glad someone in the media is questioning the safety and sanity of shows like The Biggest loser.
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(Original article: Double X)

One of the major arguments of the growing fat acceptance movement is that fear-mongering about "health" functions more as a tool to bash fat people than as a genuine expression of desire for a healthier populace. You couldn't ask for a better argument for that point of view than this article in the New York Times about the dangers posed to contestants on the reality show The Biggest Loser, though the very name of the show has always suggested to me that it's more about mocking fat people than promoting healthy lifestyles. Contestants from the show are claiming that the rapid-fire weight loss encouraged on the program led them to dehydrate themselves, some to the point where they were urinating blood. These concerns are coming after a recent episode had contestants rushed to the hospital for heat stroke.

But as the article points out, even contestants that didn't try to cheat the system by dropping water weight were still putting their bodies in grave danger by losing so much weight so quickly. You're not really supposed to aim to drop more than two pounds a week on a responsible weight loss program, because doing more than that can cause heart problems and electrolyte imbalances that could cause a heart attack. Yet The Biggest Loser is far from the only cultural product that promotes the idea that rapidly turning fat people into thin people is a legitimate strategy for "health." That message blares at us from a variety of tabloid coves, weight-loss advertisements, TV shows, and puff pieces fawning over fat celebrities that dropped half their body weight in a short amount of time due to gastric bypass surgery. Why is it not enough for fat people to lose weight? Why does it have to be so much so quickly?

Part of it is a numbers game. Look at the numbers given in this Times article: Contestants lost 118 pounds, 112 pounds, 122 pounds. At the recommended weight-loss rates, that means most of them would have taken more than a year to accomplish their goals. But searching around the Internet, it seems that the show tapes for only 10 to 12 weeks. Committing yourself to a year or many years of weight loss can seem like an overwhelming goal, especially since the emphasis in the world of weight loss is self-deprivation and pain, as if you're punishing yourself for getting fat. But most people would like to believe they could give a couple months over to the misery of dieting and exercise, as long as they see a light at the end of the tunnel.

The emphasis on rapid weight loss goes a long way to explaining why diets don't work. The demands of dieting are unsustainable, and people who diet spend all their time thinking about how they're going to reward themselves with all the forbidden foods when they finally cross the line. It goes straight back up to an American inability to conceive of moderation. Extreme dieting rests next to virginity pledges or teetotalism, or from the left, Buy Nothing Day or throwing out your television set. When looking for alternatives to excess, we latch onto abstinence. But abstinence pledges defeat us, and we don't just fall off the wagon, but fling ourselves off it. Indulgence/punishment rituals satisfy our need for drama, but they don't do much for our health or well-being.

Amanda Marcotte recently moved from her home state of Texas to Brooklyn, NY. She blogs at pandagon.net and rhrealitycheck.org.

Edited: Food Addiction (full text)

I added the full text of Sparkly Jules' superb post on food addiction to my blog post below. Sometimes it's easier not to click on links in blog posts, I get that. But I really wanted to share her awesome post here. Check out her blog too, it's great. :)

More Thoughts on Food, Company, and Impermanence

This morning I'm re-reading the post about Ebert's food memories, and wondering what it is I think is so familiar about his thoughts. He writes about missing the socialization of eating more than the actual food experience. I think that is a common experience for WLS'ers. I had read a little bit about other newly post-ops who felt awkward going out to eat with other people, especially people they didn't want to disclose their WLS to, but I didn't realize what an issue it might be until I had surgery myself.

I wrote about restaurant dining in this blog when I was just a few weeks post-op. At the time that I had surgery (nearly 3 years ago, for those who are keeping track) my hubby and I were frequent restaurant diners. We had many favorites around Portland: Nicholas', a Lebonese restaurant; Hubers, the oldest restaurant in Portland, where we loved the mussels (cheap and delish); and of course our very favorite, Saburo's, which serves "Godzilla" sushi in a very casual, almost cafeteria setting, doesn't take reservations, and where the patrons start lining up 45 minutes before it opens, every day of the week. Then there was breakfast, my favorite meal. We loved the J&M Cafe, Zell's, Sanborn's, the Cup & Saucer, and Lorne & Dottie's (before they stopped weekend service). We love breakfast so much that we had a brunch wedding reception. Our friends fawned over the bacon, and insisted that if I ever wanted to start eating meat again, this was the time, and this was the bacon.

But after surgery, I had to follow the post-op diet, which involved liquids for 2 weeks, then pureed soft foods for another 2 weeks. It took a while to get used to it, what was allowed, and by the time I'd been post-op for a month, I would get hungry fairly quickly after a meal of pureed tuna or pureed broccoli. I felt the need to be near home, to deal with the rapid onset of hunger. I got full quickly, but then got hungry quickly too. My body had been living on 1000 calories or less per day for a month by then, and it was certainly a shock physiologically.

I felt somewhat exiled from society because of this, because my meals became solitary, artificial things. There weren't really communal meal times, because the meals were small and frequent. I had to stay close to home. And what I was now eating was very different from what I had been eating for years. Meanwhile, my hubby had lost his dining-out partner. He loved going to all those great places too. He asked me several times if I wanted to go to this or that place for dinner, even when I was still on liquids. At the time I was astonished by the insensitivity of this. But in time, I realized that he probably hadn't anticipated having to make this kind of sacrifice himself just because I decided to have WLS. And I didn't seem so different, once I had mostly healed from surgery.

Once I was eating a regular Lap-band diet, I still had a hard time with dining out for quite a while. I felt guilty eating restaurant food, where I often had a hard time finding something that conformed well enough to my new diet. I never had to deal with the worst thing that many bandsters dread more than any other aspect of public dining, which is the consequences of eating one bite too many or too big or too solid. I never had a slime, PB, or barfing episode, in public or in private. But this is one of the biggest fears for many people who have had this surgery, to have this happen in public, especially when dining with people who don't know about your surgery.

The loss of socialization is a rather unexpected loss. When you want to catch up with a friend you haven't seen in a long time, what do you do? Usually set up a lunch or dinner date. There are expectations when dining out with others. All parties present eat, for one thing, and they drink something. We often count on one another to validate our menu choices, too: if your friend orders fried chicken, and you order bean soup, there is a loss of balance, and at minimum the friend will question your choice. "Is that enough food? Are you okay? Gee, I'm really pigging out, huh?" I can't imagine how that must be complicated for Ebert, who not only can't even eat the bean soup, but can't speak either. There is a great unspoken loss at that table, which I'm sure he feels at least as greatly as those he "dines" with.

The parallels between the WLS experience and Ebert's experience end somewhere around this point. Over time, I was able to start dining out again comfortably, and now no one eating with me would ever realize that I had WLS. (Exhibit A: 18-pound regain.) I can talk and socialize over a meal with ease. My loss was temporary, and for that I am grateful. Realizing this makes me sad for those like Ebert who have to adjust permanently, and yet filled with more wonder and appreciation that he has as much insight and grace as he does about the new circumstances of his life. Buddhists call this "impermanence", and as humans, we tend to resist this idea. Nothing in life is permanent, and you never know what might be lost from one moment to the next. Far from being something sad, this idea helps us to celebrate what we have right now, and frees us to enjoy our life more.

In light of this idea, my coffee doesn't taste better, but the fact that I can sit here in my kitchen, write this blog and enjoy my coffee is something to appreciate. And while I am continually disappointed in myself that I have regained weight, there is a lot to be grateful for: that it has only been 18 pounds, despite everything that has happened in my life in the last year; that WLS was available to me, and I chose it when I did, and did lose 70 pounds; that I am still healthy, and still have the ability to choose healthier ways to live; that I am alive, and aware of the choices I can make for myself.