Sushi time

This is about 2 months old, but I look about the same today, I guess about 10 lbs lighter.

It's Offiical

-40 lbs today!  And officially at the weight I was when I met hubby.

It's funny how certain weights have significance, especially for people who have struggled with obesity and weight loss.  Of course, there are the major milestones, like getting under 200 lbs (or 300 lbs, or more).  And there are the nice round numbers of weight lost: 25 lbs, 50 lbs, 100 lbs.  But the ones that really stick with me are weights that remind me of particular times in my life.  This is one.  I had just lost about 40 lbs on Weight Watchers when I met hubby, and it was the lowest my weight got before it started to go back up, on its inexorable path toward my lap band 2 1/2 years later.  My next "significant" weight will be my pre-pregnancy weight: that's 7 lbs away.  Then there is my lowest weight with the band, 15 more lbs.  Anything lower than that is uncharted territory.  My lowest band weight was 165, which was also my weight when I was 19, the first time  that my weight really shocked me in my life.  (Oh, if only I could tell my 19 year old self a thing or two...like how I would look back at that time and see a much more beautiful teenager than I ever thought at the time.)  It wasn't that low again for another 17 years, nearly another lifetime for me then.

Losing 40 lbs in about 22 weeks is totally in reach for most people, without bariatric surgery.  But for me it is pretty much right on track, proving that bariatric endocrinologist I saw right.  He tested my metabolism and told me if I wanted to lose about 1 lb per week I would have to eat about 1000 cal a day.  I have lost slightly more than that eating 900-1000 cal per day.  I really need to do some resistance training to improve my fat loss, but it has been so difficult to even contemplate getting to the gym ever, much less on a regular basis.  I could look into a self-resistance workout: pushups and dips and other things with nothing but my own body.  Wouldn't that be a good idea?

But not right now.  My hubby is back in the hospital, still struggling with the same issues of trauma, PTSD, debilitating depression and substance abuse.  It's heartbreaking.  He has been sinking for over a month, and has been asking for help the whole time, and trying to arrange treatment himself with appropriate facilities and our insurance company.  Living with this disease is so much harder than anyone can imagine.  He did really well for over 6 months, but then rather abruptly slid back into despair.  It really is a matter of life and death.  Without adequate treatment, he will be dead in just a few short years, without a doubt.

So for now it's me and Lucy time.  Luckily, she's a good kid, and an easy kid.  The single parent thing is not easy by any means.  I still work 2 jobs (but rarely more than 40 hrs a week) and have to clean the house and feed us and take care of her, and take care of myself as well.  But it's going fine for the most part.  I'm just trying to lower my expectations of myself, not try to do everything perfectly all the time.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday.  It's raining like crazy here in Portland.  But we had an early summer a few weeks ago, so I'm not complaining.  I think it will be a hot summer.  Be safe, all.

Moving again

Okay...unstalled, but still not moving super quickly.  April wasn't great for weight loss.  I'm guessing that is mainly due to stress.

I am really really thatclose to 40 lbs lost.  Any day now!

Today I got my new Fitbit Flex in the mail, at last.  I preordered it, so I guess I'm one of the first to get it.  It's pretty cool, but it doesn't track stairs climbed like the One does.  I guess that's fine...it's just another thing to compete with myself over...but it was motivating.  It looks very sleek, and I don't have to take it off my wrist to wash dishes or take a shower, which is nice.  The silicone wrist band becomes body temp pretty quickly so I don't really notice it is there.  I did like having the info right there on my tracker with the One.  But I kept it clipped in my bra (easiest place not to lose it) and reaching in to look at it...is awkward.  So, instead, I can look on my iPhone app at current info, which is something I'll get used to.  It seems like there should be a watch feature or something...tell the time, maybe a HR monitor.  But I think the point was just to have a very unobtrusive device that didn't have a lot of stuff displayed, esp since most of us carry a phone with us all the time that can give us that info.  So far, I like it, but I am surprised that it does lose some of the functionality that the One has.

I am definitely fitting into smaller clothes and looking like I have lost weight.  I have a long way to go, but most often if I get 10K steps a day and eat about 1000 kcal, I lose weight.  So that's what I focus on.

I'm finding at this point that I don't have to run to stay active, which is good because finding kid-free, job-free time to run is quite difficult.  Walking has been sufficient so far.  We live in an area with a "high walk score", so we usually go for a walk in the evening somewhere in our neighborhood and that takes care of my exercise needs, plus keeps my mood tuned up.

Time for bed!

Stalled...

I was losing well, then stall...for a few weeks now.  A stall always feels like forever, like it has always been this way and I will never lose weight again.  Silly, I know.  But no one wants to see a stall.  They suck, but they are part of weight loss.

I do well when I make sure I keep my daily steps high (>10,000) and generally the way to do that for me is a walk around the neighborhood in addition to my daily activity.  That isn't hard to do, but doesn't always happen.  I was planning on a walk this evening, but my hip has been hurting today so I didn't do it.

This weekend was lovely here, though, warm and sunny.  I got a lot of gardening done this weekend.  I've been almost manic about the yard in the past few weeks, actually.  It started with just wanting to fix up the west side yard.  It had been planted by the previous owners with sun-loving plants, but it is partial to full shade.  The result was a few scraggly looking sticks that were supposed to be shrubs, and some leftover primroses that keep coming back.  I ripped everything out and bought as many bleeding hearts, hostas and hellebores as I could afford, backed them up with a few new hydrangeas, and put them all in.  Then I started to see everything else I could do...and so, many trips to the nursery later, it's looking good.  I had to get new fuschia baskets for the patio because mine did not overwinter this year.  I got some new patio planters, and I'm putting in new raised beds for veggies.  It's fun, and we spend so much of the summer and early fall out on the patio that we really do want it as nice as possible out there.

So anyway, we've got some stressful stuff going on that I'd rather not air on here, and I'm trying to keep my mind on the moment by gardening and crafting and playing with my daughter rather than eating.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, and that probably explains at least some of my weight loss stall.

But you know, things can always be worse.

Great News

I try not to share personal stuff about anyone but myself, as much as possible, but I do want to call out how proud I am of my hubby, without revealing too much. Yesterday my hubby had to travel to deal with some acrimonious legal dealings that have been stressing us out for a long time.  The good news is that he handled himself perfectly, the other party showed their true (crazy) colors for everyone to see, and the result was the best news for him and our family that we have had in a long time.

The bad news is that as he was checking into his hotel the night before, he slipped on a loose piece of carpet and fell down a flight of stairs.

So after he got home from the trip (knowing the whole time that he had broken his arm, but not wanting to miss the hearing he was there for) I took him to the ER, where we found out he broke his wrist and will need surgery.

Sigh.  Luckily I am recovered, but he is our daughter's primary caregiver while I am working, so this complicates things for us all.  Poor guy.  He's handling it all with a lot of grace, but it's difficult.

As for life with the sleeve, my weight loss is going great.  I'm still losing a couple pounds a week, which I am super happy about.  Right now I am at -32 lbs which is just over 10 lbs per month.  I am finding that I am less hungry than I was a couple months ago, which seems opposite of a lot of people's experience with the sleeve.  I am getting better at gauging how much to eat, but I still occasionally misjudge.  The hardest thing for me is not nibbling as I sit with my family after I know I am done eating.  I know the best thing would be to just get up, but I feel like our meals are abnormal enough, I want to be with my family when they eat.  But my habit is to keep "picking" and those extra 1 or 2 bites are almost always my downfall.

I feel really good, and really hopeful about the future, which is something that is a long time in coming.

A-OK

Everything went fine, cyst is out, ovary intact.  I'm a bit sore but nothing that ibuprofen hasn't been able to handle.  I've just been taking it easy this weekend.  It's strange that this is the only sort of "excuse" I give myself for slowing down and taking it easy...why can't I just relax without it involving something like surgery?

It went very smoothly and I was in and out pretty quickly.  I was very happy to have an excellent team working with me.  And no nausea post op, thanks to my CRNA friend and coworker.

Now I'm trying not to pick up my 2 1/2 year old, but that is nearly impossible.  She is too young to understand any of my explanations.  I try to keep it minimal, but it was the same when I had my sleeve surgery.

I'm holding off weighing for a few days, until the fluid from the swelling dissipates.  I know most WLS people insist we shouldn't weigh daily, or even weekly.  But I have always found that daily weighing keeps me in a rhythm, and keeps me on top of any potential gains.  I've read that it is one thing that people who are successful long-term with weight loss do.  So I do it...but not when I KNOW it is going to be a temporary gain that will only demoralize me, and will go away on its own.

I did a lot of projects in front of the TV last night and today...finished a baby quilt, cut out blocks for another, finished a dish towel with snaps for the oven, etc.  Paid the bills.  Stayed at home on the couch as much as possible, although I did get out in the back yard during a sunny spell, and when I did I couldn't avoid finishing planting my summer dahlias and peonies (and the spring bulbs that I never planted last fall, and are sending up shoots already...dunno if those will bloom or not).  I just have to work in the garden if I have a chance.  I just finished replanting the shady side of the yard with shade-loving perennials.  The previous owners had "re-landscaped" the yard for an attempt at selling the house before we rented it, and had planted that side with things that were not appropriate for shade, and as a result there were a few straggly sticks with a few leaves hanging onto them, scattered around.  Now there are hellebores, bleeding hearts, hostas, bear's breeches, primroses, and a backdrop of 3 hydrangeas to fill in the shady side.  I'm excited to see them fill in over the next few years.   (I'm not normally a big fan of primroses, but they were the only thing that survived from the previous planting, and they have been there for at least 3 years, so I added some more to keep them company.)

I guess it's obvious that I don't sit still very well.

-30

Weight loss has been going well recently.  I'm losing slowly but steadily, finally down 30 lbs--yay!  I should take some more pictures.  It's almost time for measurements as well--I do them at the beginning of the month.

I still have my moments when I wish I could eat more than 1/4 cup of food.  But they are just moments.  Mostly I am just grateful for my sleeve, which is helping me realize my health goals.  

Today I don't have to worry about that for a while--I'm having my surgery on my ovary today.  I have a friend and colleague providing my anesthesia, for which I am grateful.  I'm happy to work in a department in which I would really trust anyone in it to provide anesthesia for me or my family.  But it is nice to be able to choose, especially when I didn't really want any of my male coworkers in there.  We are heading out as soon as hubby gets dressed.  Lucy will spend the day at school, and I'll go home this afternoon.

Keeping it Real

I guess my bikini modelling days are behind me...I'll have my third laproscopic surgery next Friday, to remove that cyst.  I could have taken a wait-and-watch approach, but the idea of ovarian torsion is kind of scary to me, and some days the thing hurts quite a bit.  I will feel better when it is just gone.  Of course, there is that vain part of me that doesn't want to see any inevitable weight gain post op, even if it is just temporary water retention.... But beyond that, I'm not really concerned about it.  The cyst is likely to be an adenoma, which is a benign tumor.

Weight loss is plugging along.  I try not to compare myself to others, which is hard.  My appointment with my surgeon a few weeks ago was fine, and he was pleased with my success so far.  I have heard that being a lap band revision often means a slower weight loss.  I don't know how often that is true, but it makes sense to me that I lost a lot of lean body mass in the process of weight loss, graduate school and pregnancy, and losing weight now is a little harder because of the resulting slower metabolism.  Plus I am older now.  So, I'm trying to take it in stride and be happy for my 1.5-2 lb per week loss, which is still better than I ever did with the band.

I am starting to see a difference in the mirror and in photos.  I'll post one sometime.  I definitely have more energy.  I still have a hard time consistently finding time to run, but the FitBit is encouraging me to go for a walk if I haven't gotten my goal for steps yet, and getting more stairs in as well.  I do think those kinds of incidental activities do help as well.

I read an article today about the queens of mommy blogging.  Actually, I first read a link my hubby sent me about dad blogging, something I've been encouraging him to do since he is the full-time caregiver for our daughter now.  And the article linked to a NY Times article about those power mommy bloggers, particularly Dooce and Pioneer Woman.  I didn't realize just how lucrative Dooce.com is for that family--seriously lucrative, in excess of $1 million a year.  But it got me thinking about the kinds of narratives that have made certain blogs relatable and thus, popular.  You just have to be willing to share everything about yourself, or seem like you are sharing everything.  There is a cost.  If I was willing to do it, I could probably sell our family's daily life story and have a more compelling blog, perhaps even one that made some money.  Weight loss surgery is almost an afterthought around here.  There's my career, there's our family experience with addiction, our nontraditional family approach with me working outside the home and my husband caring for our daughter and our home.  My hubby's life alone was interesting before he even met me.  And two-year-olds are actually pretty interesting.  Ours is hilarious.  But at what cost?  There is a lot of stuff that goes on around here that I'm sure people could relate to and might even find compelling.  But there are costs to losing that privacy, and they are too high for me (not that I am such a fantastic writer anyway...I don't think I have that kind of "voice").  It is very interesting to consider though.  I think most of the blogs out there are kind of like this one: they mainly exist for ourselves, a few people find them because they have similar interests, or they are friends or family who are interested for personal reasons, and they are just out there.  I am careful not to overshare, especially about hubby or my little girl.  The internets are forever, yo.

But I can share about one of the most intimately personal parts of life, my struggles with my weight.  So here I am, keeping it real about trying to lose weight and get healthier.  It's funny, in a way.

Under the knife

It's looking like I'm having more surgery, but nothing weight related.  I've had this big ovarian cyst that was first noted when I was pregnant.  After Lucy was born, with one thing or another always going on, I didn't follow up on it until last month.  Long story short, it's pretty big now, quite big actually, and it will need to come out.  I haven't spoken to the gyn guy yet since my follow up ultrasound earlier this week, but the thing is starting to hurt more often now, and I'm afraid if it gets much bigger I'll end up with a torsion (the cyst gets so heavy it falls down, twisting the ovary, cutting off its circulation and requiring immediate surgery).  It isn't a cancer risk, but the gyn did say that they do need to be removed (I can't remember exactly what he said the concern is other than torsion, gyn isn't exactly my area of expertise).  So anyway, will need that sometime in the next few months I am guessing.

I still haven't gotten the bill for my sleeve yet...

My weight is doing its annoying bounce-around thing.  I've finally realized that when my body fat % goes up while my weight goes down, it's water weight, and vice versa.  Today the scale finally went down along with the body fat %...fat loss! Yeah baby.  I mean, I knew if I lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, it's not fat (or if I gain it, it's also not fat).  But it's always good to be sure.

I'm running when I can and working on my incidental activity a la Fit Bit.  I don't always get 10,000 steps a day but usually pretty close.  My eating is okay, 800 cal and 60g protein on most days.  Slow weight loss continues...

Gone Forever

I cringe when I read the party lines about weight loss surgery: weight loss is portrayed as "forever". These 20 pounds are "gone forever!"  Get rid of your big clothes, you will never need them again!  Guess what: at some point, most of us regain.  If we follow our new plan closely, and are a bit lucky, we will just bounce up a little bit from our lowest weight (goal or below, hopefully).  That is the most common pattern.  But stuff happens--pregnancy, injuries, your lap band breaks--you know, stuff.  It's so easy for us to pile on the shame and guilt.  That's part of how we got here to begin with.  And it doesn't help any with weight loss.

I cringe at this complacency.  Obesity is a chronic illness.  If we are not diligent, we will relapse.  I have all kinds of eating issues.  I overeat in response to emotions.  I eat too fast.  I eat too much despite my small stomach--it still isn't much, but two bites too many means those two bites are coming back up, and that is both uncomfortable and not healthy for my esophagus.  I am working on getting ahead of these issues, but I know this is how I have behaved for most of my life, and if I don't stay diligent, I can easily sabotage this surgery and regain.  So I don't talk about pounds being "gone forever" and I don't get rid of big clothes anymore.  Getting rid of clothes hasn't prevented me from gaining in the past--it just emptied my closet and my wallet.

I just broke down my weight loss week by week, and I can't say I'm thrilled about it.  I lost 17 lbs in the first 2 weeks and I have lost about .75-1.0 lb per week since then.  It is a little faster than with the band, but not much (except that there was no initial quick loss with the band, so that's nice).  I have some other victories: several inches lost, one size smaller pants, one size smaller scrubs, and I'm down about 3% body fat.  But I eat an average of 800 calories a day, and always get at least 60g protein, usually more.  My carbs aren't super low, but they aren't high either.  I'm more active than before.  My Fitness Pal always tells me that if I keep my calories where they are, in 5 weeks I'll be some much smaller weight.  I actually marked this in my calendar 5 weeks ago.  Yesterday I was "supposed" to weigh 15 lbs less than I do.  Yeah, right.

So, maybe a few more calories will spur weight loss, maybe fewer calories...or maybe this is just how I am going to lose, and as long as I keep losing, it's okay.  I don't know.  But I won't say the weight is "gone forever."  I know better than to get that comfortable.