Lets try this again...

Well. I have been training with my personal trainer for about 3 months now. He is awesome, I am stronger and leaner, and it's been good. But I still am not losing weight. This whole time, no weight lost. Yes, I have lost a lot of fat and look and feel better, and I'm not losing sight of how huge that is or how much work I have put into this. But I do actually need to lose weight still. 

The last two weeks, fatigue and disappointment have really set in. Especially fatigue. Today's workout was terrible. I bonked almost immediately and had to be dragged through it. Finally, I asked my trainer to sit down with me and tell me what he would tell anyone about nutrition with no surgery or restrictions. He was very basic: more calories, more good quality carbs, more protein. I need fuel. I'm scared to do this, knowing that my metabolism has been so poor. But with more muscle to work with and more to do, I do need the fuel. So I decided to just follow it, and not weigh for one whole week.  Keep my food logs, but wait on weights and measurements. 

I am working a lot more. I'm tired mentally and emotionally when I get home, never mind physically. And I miss my daughter. Being a working mom often sucks. Finding the time for myself is difficult, as it is for everyone. Sleep is usually adequate, but stress and exhaustion take their toll. Yet there has to be a way to make this work. I'm reminded that sleeve-after-band is often a slow road, slower than it is for those who only have the sleeve. The loss of muscle mass from the first weight loss has made things slower this time. I'm trying to stay motivated, but I need to see some progress for this to work. 

Just 20 lbs, that's all I ask...

And now for something completely different.

I love Pinterest.  Seriously.

But damn, some people and their blogs.  I love and hate all the home improvement and decorating pins on there.  I was fantasizing last night about artfully photographing my home last night and featuring it on my own blog.  All perfect lighting and Instagrammed just so...to show off my living room with the one mismatched cabinet next to the fireplace in the hole where the built-in bookcases should have been (but a previous owner ripped them out)...the built-ins that someday I plan to have rebuilt when I can afford it but not going to DIY because really? I have 2 jobs and a toddler.  My dining room which looks reasonably nice when it is picked up, but almost always is covered in stacks of mail and things that haven't found a home yet.  The walls that are all still painted in the previous owners' colors, and mostly blank walls that we haven't chosen photos or artwork to frame and decorate yet.  And yes, we have lived here for over 3 years now.  Our couches that we have had for 8 years, bought second-hand, with the tear in the leather, that don't fit the house and need replacing.  The basement "bar" that got ripped out, and the half-completed half wall built to cover the hole in the sink cabinet where the bar was removed...still in need of tiling and drywall on the outside, and painting.  The original (?) linoleum on the stair landing where we had to rip out the carpet and padding because the cat randomly decided to pee on it for a MONTH (despite my desperate efforts during that whole time to dissuade her and clean up the stench). The basement bathroom tub that needs a new faucet set because the handle came off last year and can't be replaced except with an entirely new set, so we've been using a Vice-Grips as a handle.  For a year.

So much in our home is half-baked plans and vague ideas and budget constraints.  Overall, it is really a lovely house, and it is usually mostly picked up and presentable, despite the expected smattering of toddler toys in each room.  But as I curate my favorite DIY home improvement projects, most of which I know I will never, ever do, it makes me see my home differently: not the sweet older home in an old neighborhood that I love, but as a list of projects and budget shortfalls that seem like they will never get done.  I think my home is a lot more typical for a working family than the ones I see on Pinterest.  And a lot of people talk about their home being like this, but who photographs it and publishes it?  Really?  Actually I think that would be a pretty fun project.  This is real, yo.  Who has time to rubber-stamp cute phrases on matching wooden hangers for their perfect closet makeover?  Or my personal favorite, a roll-out "emergency sidewalk" made of pallets and old fire hoses so you can walk in your yard after a flood.  Really, old fire hoses?  I was wondering what to do with all of those.  I actually left a comment on that one: Where do you get old fire hoses? The replies were "An old fire house!" and "At an auction!"  Which is basically like saying, "When you don't have toddlers anymore, lady!"  Or for me, never, since I can't see myself at an auction bidding on an old fire hose.  Ever.

I know backlash against Pinterest is nothing new, and I honestly think it is a great site and I use a lot of the things I pin, especially recipes and sewing ideas.  But some days I really do just shake my head at some of the stuff, and then I step away to get some perspective.  We do enough.  We have enough. We are enough.  Repeat.

Math is easy

Doing the math: Going from 35% body fat to 26% body fat, and staying 186 pounds, means that I have lost about 17 pounds of fat and replaced it with 17 pounds of muscle.  Is that right?  Apparently it is.

It's hard to add calories, especially if I want them to be useful ones.  I could eat junk food easily.  But eat more good protein sources--that's harder.  Yesterday I managed 900 calories.  And still went over my carbs.  And only got 55g protein.  Yeah, not my best day.  Most days I get enough protein, and go over slightly on carbs.  Still working on that.

My arms are so sore today--yesterday's "shock workout" definitely was a shock.  I'm recovering quickly, I guess.  But it was hard!

It works!

I am about 5 weeks into my personal training contract, and still I have not lost weight.  My scale is also showing the same body fat--down about 1%.  This seemed impossible.  My measurements are consistently dropping, especially my waist.  Something has to give.

But last week my trainer switched from a 4-point caliper measurement of my body fat to a 7 point with a more comprehensive equation to see if we could capture what is obviously happening with my body.  Every single day someone comments on how much weight I am losing and how good I look.  I feel like I can't really accept that compliment, in my head, if I have no evidence to back it up--yet it is obviously true that my body is leaner.

Today, he presented me with the evidence at my training session.  My body fat percentage has dropped 9%!*  Zoinks!  So, that's what happened.  He said he re-ran the numbers 3 times to make sure it was right.  Now that's motivating!

We had a "shock" workout today--endurance and strength, high reps.  I am jelly, and heading to the shower next.  But I feel good.  My clothes are fitting much better.  I feel better.  Things are good.

The next phase will be to get some more weight loss.  I think if I can increase my calories a little and drop the carbs a little more I might get some improved results.  I'm right around 900-1000 cal/day right now, but maybe 1200-1400 with more protein would help a bit (I am between 60-90g protein now).  Let's see.

*ETA: I previously reported 12% drop.  This was from what my Aria scale reported to what my trainer reported.  Actually, his initial body fat calculation was 35%, not 38%, like my scale said.  So the drop to 26% is actually a 9% drop when comparing apples to apples, so to speak. Or pears to pears.  :)

Week 4

I'm 4 weeks into training. I'm stronger for sure. I'm maybe a pound down overall. But my jeans are now too big, so something is happening. My measurements are down--my waist by almost 3" since June. My body fat is down about 1.5% by my fitbit scale. I don't know what to make of all of this exactly, but I'm just going to say it's good. 

I finally tackled Lucy's potty training, after dithering for months because nothing was ever "stable" enough here for me to feel like it would be successful. Frankly, I probably was less ready than Lucy. I planned a toilet-training boot camp weekend--talk it up to her for a few days, then roll up the living room rug, put her in panties and sit the potty in front of the TV. She was fine. She has had a couple accidents where she didn't make it in time, and one with her dad where she didn't try to make it, but that's it. She is wearing undies for nap, her diaper is usually dry when she gets up in the morning, and we have switched to pull ups tonight. So, hooray! She sits on the regular toilet when we are out just fine, too, and no problems with #2 on the potty either. Pretty much awesome. 

Tonight, therefore, I took all the diapers out of her room and sorted and boxed them. I'll get rid of the disposables somehow--give away or sell. I guess I will keep the cloth diapers for a few years in case I have 1 more. How I do want one more--but at this point it looks unlikely. It was a bit sad to box them up. I loved cloth diapering, and although I can find something else to do with all the time I spent doing diaper laundry, I didn't mind it. My baby is not a baby anymore. 

I'm going to do more canning this weekend... Got some fancy Weck canning jars, I'm excited about them! What a nerd. :)

Working It

It's been 2 weeks with Jaylen, my new trainer.  The day after my first session was very painful.  I could barely get down my stairs, and I live in a 3 floor house!  It was hard, but it has been good.  He's very positive and encouraging, and each workout with him is different.  I can't get bored, because I never do the same thing twice.  And with the pace of the circuits, I sweat like crazy and leave everything out there on the floor.

Is it working? My body fat percentage is finally creeping downward again.  I'm down 1% in the past 2 weeks, which is very good for me.  My weight stayed the same (not surprisingly) at first but now is down about 2 lbs by my scale.  And he wants me food journaling, so I'm getting back to MFP, reluctantly.  But when I have to be accountable for what goes in my mouth, it makes it a little easier to stay on track.  So I am feeling positive about this.

Lucy and I are having a nice relaxing summer.  We've gotten to spend a lot of time together, and she is a lot of fun.  She will be 3 in September (!) and I'm aware that she is just at the age when her long-term memories will start to be formed.  So I'm trying to do the things with her that I loved about summer when I was a child.  This is mostly spending time outside, walking around, going to the park, playing in the back yard.  I work in the garden a lot.  She has fun playing in water and her sand box in our yard, and helping me with garden tasks.  We go to the pool, or to one of the public fountains that kids play in when it's hot outside.  We have yet to get to the beach since May, but hopefully sometime soon.  We go out walking and get ice cream.

I am still a bit (a lot) resentful that we can't go on vacation this year--we usually go to the coast at least, for a week in the summer.  I plan on next year being much calmer, no matter what, and we will go on a vacation.

Yesterday I started doing some small-batch canning.  I had a small crop of patio cucumbers that ripened at once, and decided to pickle them.  I've never made pickles before.  I made 4 pint jars of dill pickles, which have to wait at least a week before we can try them.  I used to can with my grandmother when I was at her farm in the summers.  I actually resented being the only girl and therefore having to be stuck inside canning while the boys played outside.  But I also loved the time with my grandmother in her cool concrete basement doing the steamy work of pressure-canning green beans.  And I learned to do something that still helps me today, while my brothers and cousins just got into various kinds of trouble together.

So, today I made some sweet and sour onions with half a bag of Walla Walla Sweet onions that I bought at Costco, and a batch of Vanilla Bean Apricot and Nectarine jam.  I canned 3 pints of the onions and 6 half pints of jam (the latter are cooling on the counter now).  It's very satisfying, especially hearing the jars "ping" as they successfully seal while cooling.

To walk me through this again, since it has been a long time since I've done any canning, I bought a copy of "Food In Jars" by Marissa McClellan from Amazon (I probably could have gotten all the info from her blog, Food In Jars, but I didn't know that, and the book is really lovely, definitely worth the purchase.)  This was a really great guide, because of the abundant beautiful photos, and also because my experience of canning in the past was always massive quantities of produce that has to be processed immediately, making it a very involved and time-consuming process.  Her book is all about "small batches" of canning, which is perfect for a home gardener with a modestly-sized backyard garden.  My grandparents had a 500-acre farm, with a kitchen garden the size of my entire backyard, and thus just the green bean crop alone produced probably ten 5-gallon buckets of green beans.  Marissa's way is more manageable.  I didn't buy a big water-bath canner (you know, the black ones with the white speckles you see at the stores), I just used my regular stock pot, and made a rack for the bottom by wiring 5 canning rings together.  I prefer not to have kitchen stuff that serves only one purpose and usually ends up being stored somewhere and only occasionally used, so I was very happy to be able to use something I had already.

I'm also excited that I don't have to plan a big excursion to go pick fruit somewhere to do a batch of jam.  I love to go pick berries, but I rarely have the time during the window that the berries are ready to be picked, and it's kind of pricey these days, and what do I do with Lucy while I pick berries? She wouldn't really be able to participate and at the stage she is at right now, she would just need to be managed.  Making small batches means that I can get the fruit I love at Costco, use what I can use before it goes bad (between my sleeve and the toddler tummy, we don't eat very much) and make a batch of something and can it.  Love!

Phase 2: Operation #Last30Lbs

I'm done sitting around waiting for my pseudo-plateau to end.  I've been at roughly the same spot for about 6 weeks or so, and I know why: I need muscle.  I've lost a little over 40 pounds but only about 5% of my body fat.  So today I got myself to the gym and signed up with a personal trainer.

I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't too excited about it.  I have never enjoyed strength training.  I've done it, but I get bored easily with it, and eventually quit.  And I really need someone to walk me through a gym's weight equipment, even if I've used it before at another gym.  I have this mental block about it.  I've been a member of this gym for a few years now (24 Hour Fitness) but have never taken this step with the weights.  Also, I haven't gone at all in about 9 months....

So my appointment was with Jaylen, who looks to be in his mid-20s. He's just what you want in a personal trainer: fit but not intimidating, very friendly, and very confident that he can help you achieve your goals.  We went through where I've been and where I want to go, he did weight and measurements (my body fat measured about 5% less than my scale has been measuring me...which was nice) and we did an assessment.  He taught me the beginnings of a circuit training routine, gave me homework, and I paid for some sessions.  I go back on Tuesday.  I am to do an hour of activity every day, and do my circuit 4 days a week.  He promises to change it up so I don't get bored and so I see regular improvement.  And that's that.

After my initial workout, I definitely felt it in my legs.  Going down stairs is a challenge, and I'm sure it will be even more so tomorrow.  (And my house is 3 stories...oy)  But I feel like this can actually help me get things back in gear.  I'm glad I did it.  And I'm glad I finally followed through with what I knew I needed to do.

Meanwhile, the second summer heat wave has passed, and we had a lovely afternoon of 75 degrees today.  My garden is doing phenomenally well: I have baby cukes and pumpkins on the vines, I've harvested peas and greens and even some of my carrots, and I've found almost every square inch of potential gardening space in my backyard and used it.  Lots of planters, new raised beds, improvised planters, using all the sunny spots.  My poppies and cosmos are blooming, as well as my dahlias and hydrangeas--I planted about 5 new ones this year--and my sunflowers are getting tall.  My herb garden is bursting and my new rhubarb seems to be surviving after a pretty rocky start.  I have green tomatoes on all my plants, so I hope to have ripe ones in a few weeks.  That pumpkin patch has me singing "Feed me, Seymour!" every time I go in the backyard: it's taking off across the yard, spilling into the bed next door and all over the lawn.  Maybe I'll scale the pumpkins back next year.

There is something very satisfying to me about going into the backyard and seeing everything I've planted, growing.  When I feel down about life, I feel better watching my daughter play in the garden, all the things I've taken part in creating, growing together.

Yep...

This makes intuitive sense, but it's a well-written article about why eating high-glycemic foods might drive food cravings.  Thank you NY Times.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/27/how-carbs-can-trigger-food-cravings/?src=me&ref=general

6 months

So I am about 6 months post op.  My weight loss hovers between 40 and 43 lbs.  I feel like I should have lost a bit more by now, even though this is how I have always lost weight, and it is more than I had lost by this time with the band...It's hard to let go of this idea.  I think I am doing okay.  Sometimes it is easier to realize this than others.

So where do I stand? How am I doing with the rules of WLS? Let's see.  These might not all be "official" rules but they are what I try to stick to.

No drinking with meals: I usually adhere to this.  Eating out is when this is hardest, because I usually have a beverage in front of me, whereas at home I just don't have one there.  The other exception is if I am trying to eat and get some coffee into me in a short time, or if I eat but I also need to take medication, which doesn't happen too often.  This one I do pretty well with.

Eat protein first:  Yes, I am good with this one.  I still mostly eat protein, mainly because of this rule.

Eat only when hungry: This is much harder than it used to be, for two reasons.  First, when I am working I have no control over when my meals occur.  In the operating room, I obviously have to remain with my anesthetized patient at all times, unless someone comes to relieve me for a break.  Most of the time, you take a break when one is offered, because there are a lot of people who need breaks, and you may not get another chance if you turn one down.  So even if I am not hungry, I need to eat or risk not getting another chance and getting too hungry.  Second, my child.  I am frequently preparing her dinner when I am not at all hungry.  I feel badly not eating dinner when she eats; our family meals are weird enough as is.  So sometimes I eat a bit when she is eating, but I often regret it.

No grazing: This one is hard, especially when eating with my family.  I am the worst at picking at food in front of me after I am full but my family is still eating.  This is especially bad when we are at a restaurant.  If I (or my hubby) am thinking about it, I'll move the food out from in front of me, or pack up the remains in a box.  But many a time I have stopped eating when full, then sabotaged myself with one or two bites too many after I had already decided I was full.  This is probably the hardest.

Plan what you eat: I do this well when I am working and I pack all my food for the day.  On the weekends I have a harder time.  I don't routinely track all my food anymore.  I did for 5 months, but didn't think I need to do it forever.  There are differing opinions on this.  Some believe you always have to track, forever.  Others use it as a tool to stay or get back on track.  I think the latter makes sense.

Those are the ones I can think of right now.  There is room for improvement, but overall I am doing okay.

I think the biggest thing for me, overall, is eating slowly and not eating one bite too many.  The two go together.  I am a very fast eater, which has always worked against me.  It takes a lot of effort to eat more slowly.  I am noticing something interesting about satiety for me now that has changed since I was sleeved.  If I pay attention, I can stop eating after a small portion of food and feel comfortably full.  After about 10 minutes, I frequently feel quite full (assuming I haven't eaten anything more).  In another 10 minutes I feel HUNGRY.  Like stomach-growling, gnawing hunger.  Not the worst hunger feeling, but a feeling that I have always made go away by eating.  It seems like a hunger feeling, but if I eat anything at this point I will regret it.  If, instead, I wait...the hungry feeling goes away fairly quickly, and I feel satiety.  I didn't have this experience with the band, or before.  And it's a trap!  I can't even tell you how many times I have fallen into the trap, eaten something, and regretted it--either throwing something up, or feeling very uncomfortably full.  It has taken an embarrassingly long time to realize this.

So there it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I can still reach my goal in the next 6 months.  It will have to involve more exercise, though.  Right now I am sticking to walks because I can easily fit them in with my daughter.  I might try adding body-weight strength training at home for toning.

Summertime

So maybe it goes without saying, but mostly protein diet + iron supplementation = unhappy intestines.  Ugh.  This wreaks havoc with the scale as well as the belly.  I am actually playing around with the iron supplementation.  I don't want to end up with IV iron again, because it is expensive and inconvenient.  I was taking daily iron after the IV supplementation, then about a month ago I took a week off from the oral iron (lovely!).  Now I am trying every  other day.  My ferratin levels are fine and my hematocrit is 40 (and feels much better than 30 did last summer), so maybe every other day will be easier on my intestines.  Plus fiber.

Weight loss still happens in fits and starts.  I'm still loving my Fitbit Flex (although it doesn't have an altimeter so doesn't track stairs, which I miss) and when I get lots of steps I still lose weight.  It's time to add resistance training, as my body fat has not gone down very much, which means I am losing too much lean mass (story of my life).  I've started my gym membership again but it just doesn't fit my crazy life like walking with Lucy in the stroller does.  So I should experiment with body-weight training at home.  Note I said "should".  Ha ha.

Hubby is gone again...going to treatment for hopefully the recommended length of time this time, instead of being cut short like in previous attempts.  Spring is the time for meltdowns.  It's exhausting.

So it's just Lucy and I...but it is really much easier now that she is older.  I still have the daycare shuffle in the mornings (plus the expense of that, which is huge) but otherwise, she's such an easygoing child.  She does miss Daddy a lot, but she can talk with him on the phone and can understand simple explanations about where he is.

Summer is here early in Portland.  We usually can't count on summer weather until after July 4, but we had a pretty hot May (as high as 90s) and it's been 60-80 degrees for most of June so far.  I'm very excited about my garden this year.  I'm doing a lot more on my patio this year, since it's generally the warmest part of the yard.  I have half-whisky barrel planters with strawberries and cukes (first time growing either), another with lettuce, and my 3 tomato planters are doing well.  I have a willow stump on the side of my patio that I had cut down when we first bought the house.  That is covered with potted flowers: we can't dig it or grind it out because it will wreck the patio (and possibly the foundation), and the only way I could kill it, regretfully, was with Round Up; nothing else worked to keep it from sprouting the way willows do.  So I can't plant anything there for at least a few years.  I replanted the shady side of the yard this spring, and love my hostas, bleeding hearts and hellebores (my new hydrangeas will hopefully bloom this summer too).  And I put in new raised beds in the back part of the yard, with carrots, pumpkins and sunflowers.  The ugly retaining wall of doom has some peas and beans planted in front of it, hopefully those will take off and cover it.  And finally, my herb garden is bursting, and I have put in some hardy fucshias, some rhubarb, lavender, and will plant zucchini in the last square feet left.  (Zucchini grow like weeds in the NW, I am fairly confident they will do fine there.)  Oh, and watermelons!  I found a variety that was developed in northern Idaho that is supposed to be good in cooler, shorter growing seasons like ours.  I think it will be a hot summer, so it should do fine in its hot corner.  I made a new planter for it, out of a plastic Rubbermaid wheelbarrow whose axle broke.  I think that will stay pretty warm.

I'm so pleased to finally have a space to garden in.  This is our third summer in this house, and I am still learning what does well in different parts of the yard.  We have a big, beautiful covered brick patio that is the centerpiece of the house, and we spend the whole summer out there, so it is really great to have so much gardening space to play with.  And!  My wonderful neighbor (the one who was our realtor for the purchase of the house) took the fence between our two back yards and made a fence out of old doors that she collected.  She just did it at the end of the summer last year.  It is just fantastic, very Pinterest.  One of the doors slides open between our yards so our girls can play together (they are a little less than 2 years apart, and Lucy adores their daughter).  I need to put up some planters and hangers on my side and grow stuff on it.  It is fantastic!  I just wish the other side was like that too, but I saw how much work it took her to do that, and I am pretty sure I don't have that in me.  It's all I can do to keep up with my family and my garden.

I love summertime best of all.  :)