Icy December

It looks like most of the country is experiencing this same cold snap.  It has consistently been in the 20s here in Portland, which is extremely unusual.  The bright side is that the sky has been cloudless and sunny; that is the only way we ever get such low temps here.  But I cannot stand cold weather, really anything below 45 degrees.  I'm a warm weather girl.  I am layering like crazy and avoiding being outside whenever possible.

But...I did join a December running challenge.  Run every day of December, at least 1 mile.  Given the state of my schedule, I decided to give myself 4 days as a "pass" if needed, and I took one.  But I've done 7/8 days now.  My runs are getting stronger, so it's been good.  Most of the time I can only go late at night, after Lucy is in bed, and that is less than ideal.  I wear a head lamp and lots of layers.  I'm only running a couple miles at this point.  I've been back running for at least 6 months now, but I've done it so sporadically that I can't ever make any gains in my distance or speed.  But now I am noticing quick improvements, which is very encouraging.  I love this challenge because it is so easy to not run, or exercise at all, in the chilly month of December, and I know with this cold snap I would have avoided it at all costs.

Run on a treadmill, right? No, that is an absolute last resort.

I went to see my surgeon in October.  I told him about my stall and my frustration with trying to lose any more weight. I told him I had tried calorie ranges between 800-1500 per day, protein ranges of 60-120g/day, and changing everything else I could think of.  At that point, I couldn't decide how to proceed because I was simply confused.  Nothing was working.  He told me first that I had lost a couple pounds since my previous visit, so all was not lost.  Then he told me to just stick to 1200 calories, very simple, and come back in 1 month.  My surgeon's approach to a lot of things is very simple and no-nonsense.  He's within a few years of retiring (although he is well past standard retirement age) but still operates 3 days a week and maintains a full schedule.  He told me not to worry so much about protein because my sleeve is not malabsorptive.  I know that the mantra of our time is protein, protein, protein, but I needed something simple.  So I went with it, came back in a month, and I had lost about 1.5 lbs.  He was happy and told me to come back in 3 months and continue this plan. He also told me that as far as he is concerned, I only needed to lose about 10 pounds more and then he was pretty much satisfied.  So I've adjusted my goals a little bit, but I still hope to lose a little more than that.

I do still emphasize protein foods, but I'm not trying for large amounts now.  In fact, I am not trying for large amounts of anything. I think I am getting better about keeping my portion sizes lower and stopping early enough.  And this week for some reason I've been stricken by insomnia...and I've lost 5 lbs.  I am finally at my prepregnancy weight at last... only 3 years later.  :)

Giving in to fall

I'm giving in to fall.  I am still not over summer being over.  A typical Portland summer doesn't really start until late July, and lasts until mid-October.  This year we got all our heat in May and June--very unusual--had a slightly warmer July, and then a cool August and crappy rainy September.  I want a refund.  It didn't help that I didn't get enough of my requested vacation time off to actually go on vacation this summer.  But, it's been raining for a while, and thoughts are turning to tea and quilting and cozying up.  The fireplace is on.  It's not so bad.  But I do still hope for some sunny fall days before the winter gray settles in.

Last Saturday I went to my usual trainer appointment at the gym, but my trainer did not show up. This was unusual for him to just not be there or respond to my text.  I did my workout and went home, and later texted him to see what was up.  Turns out that the gym fired him, and didn't notify me.  He said he was late and the new manager just fired him, like that.  Now, of course, I don't know how much more of the story there is.  All I do know is that my dealings with him were very professional and he was a fantastic trainer.  I've written all about what a great trainer he is before.  Not only am I pissed that I lost my trainer, but I'm pissed that the gym didn't bother to tell me.  So I am supposed to be hearing from the manager on Sunday.  It's a hard situation.  I have 3 or 4 sessions left that I paid for, but I don't want to work with a new trainer.  I want my trainer. I don't really even want to go to that gym anymore, but it is about 1/10 of a mile from my house, so it really eliminates a lot of excuses. And it's a nice gym, and affordable. I'm just pissed about this situation.  It feels like from what I know of the guy, it cannot be a justified firing, but again, who knows.  He is going to tell me what gym he ends up at, but the odds that it will be a practical fit for me are low.

So this left me in this week-long funk about working out, which goes well with my weeks-long funk about my plateau.  I finally ran today after about 4 days of no workouts.  I just didn't have the heart for it, frankly.  It did feel good to run.  I'm sure I will get back to the gym.  But the weight funk persists.  I have finally lost a couple pounds again, but they are pounds I've lost before.  Food journaling at this point is useless for me, because I have tried everything I can think of: anywhere between 60-120g protein per day, 800-1500 kcal per day, more water, more fiber, more carbs, less carbs.  Seriously.  I average 1000 cal when I don't journal (that is, when I have just eaten and added it all up at the end of the day).  My body is just not gonna budge right now.  So, fine.  Body, do your thing.  I guess as long as I'm not gaining and I'm still doing the right things, it's going to have to be okay.  I have an appointment with the surgeon in about a month, maybe we can come up with something.

Lucy's birthday is tomorrow--she will be 3.  It's really amazing how quickly the time goes by.  At this very time 3 years ago, I was only a few hours into my home labor, and unbeknownst to me, just 2 hours from suddenly needing to race to the hospital before she appeared.  I had a fast labor, especially for a first-time mom, and a pretty precipitous delivery.  It sounds a bit foolish that I was still at home when I was ready to deliver (and no, I didn't plan a home birth) but everyone tells you over and over that the first labor takes much longer than you think it will, you should stay home as long as possible if you don't want "interventions", etc. I never intended to wait until the last second.  I had exactly one contraction that felt like what was described as "transition" (from 7 cm to 10 cm dilation) and decided to get some clothes on to go to the hospital, because I was wearing a night shirt.  I went upstairs to get clothes on, and by the time I got up there I was having very hard, very fast contractions and could no longer walk. By the time my doula helped me down all my stairs (I had to crawl down them because I couldn't stand up), half an hour had elapsed and it was time to deliver, which I knew because my body started pushing and I had to try not to push, with the help of my fabulous doula.  I still had to get myself into the car, though, which was very hard.  We did make it to the hospital--with my hubby driving and my doula coaching me on not pushing--and Lucy was born 15 minutes later.  It all went perfectly, in retrospect, but we did cause quite a fuss when we got there, and the whole hospital knew about it by morning.

My mother did the same kind of reminiscing every year on each of our birthdays (yours probably did too), and I didn't quite understand why as a kid, or even really as an adult.  But childbirth does change you forever; you become a different person, and I'm sure with each subsequent pregnancy and delivery you change yet again.  The first time reveals to you what you are capable of, and it doesn't matter what kind of birth you had or what you did or did not do--it's yours, in the end.  The birth of my daughter definitely did change me forever and let me know what I could do physically and emotionally.  It has served as a reservoir of strength for me since then.  And of course, all of the changes that have come with becoming Lucy's mother have revealed much more to me.  It's been so fun getting to know the person she is and is becoming.

Perspective

I had a good night.  Today was hot, after a week of fall weather--gray and rainy--last week.  This week is hot, 96 degrees today, and I am happy.  I need the heat.  I got off work a little early, picked up my daughter and husband and took Lucy to the Jamison Square fountain, a tidal fountain in "the Pearl" neighborhood of NW Portland that she (and every other kid in Portland) loves to play in on hot summer days.  There is a place to buy a slice of pizza and an ice cream shop on the same block.  She played in the fountain with all the other kids, until a fire engine showed up and drew half the kids over to check it out.

I wanted to post a little update about it on Facebook, but instead saw an update from some good friends who have a son about Lucy's age who has been very sick.  He was born with a birth defect that they thought would be the worst of his problems, but he sailed through Pierre Robin syndrome without needing a trach or any interventions.  He was fine until his 1 year check-up, when his mom pointed out some pinpoint red spots on his body (called petechiae) to his pediatrician, and his slightly more frequent bruising.  By that evening he was in the PICU being treated for a severe and rare form of infant ALL (leukemia).  He has endured 2 years of brutal chemo that did put him into remission.  But now the chemo that cured his cancer has destroyed his immune system.  He has been in the hospital for much of the last 6 months with infections and systemic reactions to drugs meant to keep him from getting pneumonia, and he's now caught in a catch-22 that it has become apparent he won't survive.  So his parents posted to their friends, bravely, that they have decided to maximize the time he has, do the things that allow him to be a 3 year old boy for as long as possible, and keep him out of hospitals and stop treatment.  At this time, he has energy and is playing and laughing, although he needs IV nutrition because he isn't eating.  They are continuing those kinds of things that add to his life without subtracting a measure of misery.

It takes my breath away to imagine what his family is going through now, and has been for this entire time, contemplating losing him, desperately trying not to lose him, and then seeing that the trying isn't working and the best thing for him is to stop subjecting him to painful treatments that don't seem to be helping him.  It has to be especially painful that they wanted so badly to cure his cancer and they did, but the treatment is killing him anyway.  His parents are both nurses--I used to work with his dad in the ICU before I continued my training--and have been incredible in their ability to roll with this journey, and keep things as normal as possible for this little boy and his older brother.  They have both helped countless families through end-of-life decisions, and now have to make these decisions all to soon for their baby.

As I savor a lovely evening with my healthy and happy only child, my heart is also with my friends, who are savoring a late summer evening with their little family, trying to make the time slow down.

Lets try this again...

Well. I have been training with my personal trainer for about 3 months now. He is awesome, I am stronger and leaner, and it's been good. But I still am not losing weight. This whole time, no weight lost. Yes, I have lost a lot of fat and look and feel better, and I'm not losing sight of how huge that is or how much work I have put into this. But I do actually need to lose weight still. 

The last two weeks, fatigue and disappointment have really set in. Especially fatigue. Today's workout was terrible. I bonked almost immediately and had to be dragged through it. Finally, I asked my trainer to sit down with me and tell me what he would tell anyone about nutrition with no surgery or restrictions. He was very basic: more calories, more good quality carbs, more protein. I need fuel. I'm scared to do this, knowing that my metabolism has been so poor. But with more muscle to work with and more to do, I do need the fuel. So I decided to just follow it, and not weigh for one whole week.  Keep my food logs, but wait on weights and measurements. 

I am working a lot more. I'm tired mentally and emotionally when I get home, never mind physically. And I miss my daughter. Being a working mom often sucks. Finding the time for myself is difficult, as it is for everyone. Sleep is usually adequate, but stress and exhaustion take their toll. Yet there has to be a way to make this work. I'm reminded that sleeve-after-band is often a slow road, slower than it is for those who only have the sleeve. The loss of muscle mass from the first weight loss has made things slower this time. I'm trying to stay motivated, but I need to see some progress for this to work. 

Just 20 lbs, that's all I ask...

And now for something completely different.

I love Pinterest.  Seriously.

But damn, some people and their blogs.  I love and hate all the home improvement and decorating pins on there.  I was fantasizing last night about artfully photographing my home last night and featuring it on my own blog.  All perfect lighting and Instagrammed just so...to show off my living room with the one mismatched cabinet next to the fireplace in the hole where the built-in bookcases should have been (but a previous owner ripped them out)...the built-ins that someday I plan to have rebuilt when I can afford it but not going to DIY because really? I have 2 jobs and a toddler.  My dining room which looks reasonably nice when it is picked up, but almost always is covered in stacks of mail and things that haven't found a home yet.  The walls that are all still painted in the previous owners' colors, and mostly blank walls that we haven't chosen photos or artwork to frame and decorate yet.  And yes, we have lived here for over 3 years now.  Our couches that we have had for 8 years, bought second-hand, with the tear in the leather, that don't fit the house and need replacing.  The basement "bar" that got ripped out, and the half-completed half wall built to cover the hole in the sink cabinet where the bar was removed...still in need of tiling and drywall on the outside, and painting.  The original (?) linoleum on the stair landing where we had to rip out the carpet and padding because the cat randomly decided to pee on it for a MONTH (despite my desperate efforts during that whole time to dissuade her and clean up the stench). The basement bathroom tub that needs a new faucet set because the handle came off last year and can't be replaced except with an entirely new set, so we've been using a Vice-Grips as a handle.  For a year.

So much in our home is half-baked plans and vague ideas and budget constraints.  Overall, it is really a lovely house, and it is usually mostly picked up and presentable, despite the expected smattering of toddler toys in each room.  But as I curate my favorite DIY home improvement projects, most of which I know I will never, ever do, it makes me see my home differently: not the sweet older home in an old neighborhood that I love, but as a list of projects and budget shortfalls that seem like they will never get done.  I think my home is a lot more typical for a working family than the ones I see on Pinterest.  And a lot of people talk about their home being like this, but who photographs it and publishes it?  Really?  Actually I think that would be a pretty fun project.  This is real, yo.  Who has time to rubber-stamp cute phrases on matching wooden hangers for their perfect closet makeover?  Or my personal favorite, a roll-out "emergency sidewalk" made of pallets and old fire hoses so you can walk in your yard after a flood.  Really, old fire hoses?  I was wondering what to do with all of those.  I actually left a comment on that one: Where do you get old fire hoses? The replies were "An old fire house!" and "At an auction!"  Which is basically like saying, "When you don't have toddlers anymore, lady!"  Or for me, never, since I can't see myself at an auction bidding on an old fire hose.  Ever.

I know backlash against Pinterest is nothing new, and I honestly think it is a great site and I use a lot of the things I pin, especially recipes and sewing ideas.  But some days I really do just shake my head at some of the stuff, and then I step away to get some perspective.  We do enough.  We have enough. We are enough.  Repeat.

Math is easy

Doing the math: Going from 35% body fat to 26% body fat, and staying 186 pounds, means that I have lost about 17 pounds of fat and replaced it with 17 pounds of muscle.  Is that right?  Apparently it is.

It's hard to add calories, especially if I want them to be useful ones.  I could eat junk food easily.  But eat more good protein sources--that's harder.  Yesterday I managed 900 calories.  And still went over my carbs.  And only got 55g protein.  Yeah, not my best day.  Most days I get enough protein, and go over slightly on carbs.  Still working on that.

My arms are so sore today--yesterday's "shock workout" definitely was a shock.  I'm recovering quickly, I guess.  But it was hard!

It works!

I am about 5 weeks into my personal training contract, and still I have not lost weight.  My scale is also showing the same body fat--down about 1%.  This seemed impossible.  My measurements are consistently dropping, especially my waist.  Something has to give.

But last week my trainer switched from a 4-point caliper measurement of my body fat to a 7 point with a more comprehensive equation to see if we could capture what is obviously happening with my body.  Every single day someone comments on how much weight I am losing and how good I look.  I feel like I can't really accept that compliment, in my head, if I have no evidence to back it up--yet it is obviously true that my body is leaner.

Today, he presented me with the evidence at my training session.  My body fat percentage has dropped 9%!*  Zoinks!  So, that's what happened.  He said he re-ran the numbers 3 times to make sure it was right.  Now that's motivating!

We had a "shock" workout today--endurance and strength, high reps.  I am jelly, and heading to the shower next.  But I feel good.  My clothes are fitting much better.  I feel better.  Things are good.

The next phase will be to get some more weight loss.  I think if I can increase my calories a little and drop the carbs a little more I might get some improved results.  I'm right around 900-1000 cal/day right now, but maybe 1200-1400 with more protein would help a bit (I am between 60-90g protein now).  Let's see.

*ETA: I previously reported 12% drop.  This was from what my Aria scale reported to what my trainer reported.  Actually, his initial body fat calculation was 35%, not 38%, like my scale said.  So the drop to 26% is actually a 9% drop when comparing apples to apples, so to speak. Or pears to pears.  :)

Week 4

I'm 4 weeks into training. I'm stronger for sure. I'm maybe a pound down overall. But my jeans are now too big, so something is happening. My measurements are down--my waist by almost 3" since June. My body fat is down about 1.5% by my fitbit scale. I don't know what to make of all of this exactly, but I'm just going to say it's good. 

I finally tackled Lucy's potty training, after dithering for months because nothing was ever "stable" enough here for me to feel like it would be successful. Frankly, I probably was less ready than Lucy. I planned a toilet-training boot camp weekend--talk it up to her for a few days, then roll up the living room rug, put her in panties and sit the potty in front of the TV. She was fine. She has had a couple accidents where she didn't make it in time, and one with her dad where she didn't try to make it, but that's it. She is wearing undies for nap, her diaper is usually dry when she gets up in the morning, and we have switched to pull ups tonight. So, hooray! She sits on the regular toilet when we are out just fine, too, and no problems with #2 on the potty either. Pretty much awesome. 

Tonight, therefore, I took all the diapers out of her room and sorted and boxed them. I'll get rid of the disposables somehow--give away or sell. I guess I will keep the cloth diapers for a few years in case I have 1 more. How I do want one more--but at this point it looks unlikely. It was a bit sad to box them up. I loved cloth diapering, and although I can find something else to do with all the time I spent doing diaper laundry, I didn't mind it. My baby is not a baby anymore. 

I'm going to do more canning this weekend... Got some fancy Weck canning jars, I'm excited about them! What a nerd. :)

Working It

It's been 2 weeks with Jaylen, my new trainer.  The day after my first session was very painful.  I could barely get down my stairs, and I live in a 3 floor house!  It was hard, but it has been good.  He's very positive and encouraging, and each workout with him is different.  I can't get bored, because I never do the same thing twice.  And with the pace of the circuits, I sweat like crazy and leave everything out there on the floor.

Is it working? My body fat percentage is finally creeping downward again.  I'm down 1% in the past 2 weeks, which is very good for me.  My weight stayed the same (not surprisingly) at first but now is down about 2 lbs by my scale.  And he wants me food journaling, so I'm getting back to MFP, reluctantly.  But when I have to be accountable for what goes in my mouth, it makes it a little easier to stay on track.  So I am feeling positive about this.

Lucy and I are having a nice relaxing summer.  We've gotten to spend a lot of time together, and she is a lot of fun.  She will be 3 in September (!) and I'm aware that she is just at the age when her long-term memories will start to be formed.  So I'm trying to do the things with her that I loved about summer when I was a child.  This is mostly spending time outside, walking around, going to the park, playing in the back yard.  I work in the garden a lot.  She has fun playing in water and her sand box in our yard, and helping me with garden tasks.  We go to the pool, or to one of the public fountains that kids play in when it's hot outside.  We have yet to get to the beach since May, but hopefully sometime soon.  We go out walking and get ice cream.

I am still a bit (a lot) resentful that we can't go on vacation this year--we usually go to the coast at least, for a week in the summer.  I plan on next year being much calmer, no matter what, and we will go on a vacation.

Yesterday I started doing some small-batch canning.  I had a small crop of patio cucumbers that ripened at once, and decided to pickle them.  I've never made pickles before.  I made 4 pint jars of dill pickles, which have to wait at least a week before we can try them.  I used to can with my grandmother when I was at her farm in the summers.  I actually resented being the only girl and therefore having to be stuck inside canning while the boys played outside.  But I also loved the time with my grandmother in her cool concrete basement doing the steamy work of pressure-canning green beans.  And I learned to do something that still helps me today, while my brothers and cousins just got into various kinds of trouble together.

So, today I made some sweet and sour onions with half a bag of Walla Walla Sweet onions that I bought at Costco, and a batch of Vanilla Bean Apricot and Nectarine jam.  I canned 3 pints of the onions and 6 half pints of jam (the latter are cooling on the counter now).  It's very satisfying, especially hearing the jars "ping" as they successfully seal while cooling.

To walk me through this again, since it has been a long time since I've done any canning, I bought a copy of "Food In Jars" by Marissa McClellan from Amazon (I probably could have gotten all the info from her blog, Food In Jars, but I didn't know that, and the book is really lovely, definitely worth the purchase.)  This was a really great guide, because of the abundant beautiful photos, and also because my experience of canning in the past was always massive quantities of produce that has to be processed immediately, making it a very involved and time-consuming process.  Her book is all about "small batches" of canning, which is perfect for a home gardener with a modestly-sized backyard garden.  My grandparents had a 500-acre farm, with a kitchen garden the size of my entire backyard, and thus just the green bean crop alone produced probably ten 5-gallon buckets of green beans.  Marissa's way is more manageable.  I didn't buy a big water-bath canner (you know, the black ones with the white speckles you see at the stores), I just used my regular stock pot, and made a rack for the bottom by wiring 5 canning rings together.  I prefer not to have kitchen stuff that serves only one purpose and usually ends up being stored somewhere and only occasionally used, so I was very happy to be able to use something I had already.

I'm also excited that I don't have to plan a big excursion to go pick fruit somewhere to do a batch of jam.  I love to go pick berries, but I rarely have the time during the window that the berries are ready to be picked, and it's kind of pricey these days, and what do I do with Lucy while I pick berries? She wouldn't really be able to participate and at the stage she is at right now, she would just need to be managed.  Making small batches means that I can get the fruit I love at Costco, use what I can use before it goes bad (between my sleeve and the toddler tummy, we don't eat very much) and make a batch of something and can it.  Love!

Phase 2: Operation #Last30Lbs

I'm done sitting around waiting for my pseudo-plateau to end.  I've been at roughly the same spot for about 6 weeks or so, and I know why: I need muscle.  I've lost a little over 40 pounds but only about 5% of my body fat.  So today I got myself to the gym and signed up with a personal trainer.

I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't too excited about it.  I have never enjoyed strength training.  I've done it, but I get bored easily with it, and eventually quit.  And I really need someone to walk me through a gym's weight equipment, even if I've used it before at another gym.  I have this mental block about it.  I've been a member of this gym for a few years now (24 Hour Fitness) but have never taken this step with the weights.  Also, I haven't gone at all in about 9 months....

So my appointment was with Jaylen, who looks to be in his mid-20s. He's just what you want in a personal trainer: fit but not intimidating, very friendly, and very confident that he can help you achieve your goals.  We went through where I've been and where I want to go, he did weight and measurements (my body fat measured about 5% less than my scale has been measuring me...which was nice) and we did an assessment.  He taught me the beginnings of a circuit training routine, gave me homework, and I paid for some sessions.  I go back on Tuesday.  I am to do an hour of activity every day, and do my circuit 4 days a week.  He promises to change it up so I don't get bored and so I see regular improvement.  And that's that.

After my initial workout, I definitely felt it in my legs.  Going down stairs is a challenge, and I'm sure it will be even more so tomorrow.  (And my house is 3 stories...oy)  But I feel like this can actually help me get things back in gear.  I'm glad I did it.  And I'm glad I finally followed through with what I knew I needed to do.

Meanwhile, the second summer heat wave has passed, and we had a lovely afternoon of 75 degrees today.  My garden is doing phenomenally well: I have baby cukes and pumpkins on the vines, I've harvested peas and greens and even some of my carrots, and I've found almost every square inch of potential gardening space in my backyard and used it.  Lots of planters, new raised beds, improvised planters, using all the sunny spots.  My poppies and cosmos are blooming, as well as my dahlias and hydrangeas--I planted about 5 new ones this year--and my sunflowers are getting tall.  My herb garden is bursting and my new rhubarb seems to be surviving after a pretty rocky start.  I have green tomatoes on all my plants, so I hope to have ripe ones in a few weeks.  That pumpkin patch has me singing "Feed me, Seymour!" every time I go in the backyard: it's taking off across the yard, spilling into the bed next door and all over the lawn.  Maybe I'll scale the pumpkins back next year.

There is something very satisfying to me about going into the backyard and seeing everything I've planted, growing.  When I feel down about life, I feel better watching my daughter play in the garden, all the things I've taken part in creating, growing together.