Stalled...

I was losing well, then stall...for a few weeks now.  A stall always feels like forever, like it has always been this way and I will never lose weight again.  Silly, I know.  But no one wants to see a stall.  They suck, but they are part of weight loss.

I do well when I make sure I keep my daily steps high (>10,000) and generally the way to do that for me is a walk around the neighborhood in addition to my daily activity.  That isn't hard to do, but doesn't always happen.  I was planning on a walk this evening, but my hip has been hurting today so I didn't do it.

This weekend was lovely here, though, warm and sunny.  I got a lot of gardening done this weekend.  I've been almost manic about the yard in the past few weeks, actually.  It started with just wanting to fix up the west side yard.  It had been planted by the previous owners with sun-loving plants, but it is partial to full shade.  The result was a few scraggly looking sticks that were supposed to be shrubs, and some leftover primroses that keep coming back.  I ripped everything out and bought as many bleeding hearts, hostas and hellebores as I could afford, backed them up with a few new hydrangeas, and put them all in.  Then I started to see everything else I could do...and so, many trips to the nursery later, it's looking good.  I had to get new fuschia baskets for the patio because mine did not overwinter this year.  I got some new patio planters, and I'm putting in new raised beds for veggies.  It's fun, and we spend so much of the summer and early fall out on the patio that we really do want it as nice as possible out there.

So anyway, we've got some stressful stuff going on that I'd rather not air on here, and I'm trying to keep my mind on the moment by gardening and crafting and playing with my daughter rather than eating.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, and that probably explains at least some of my weight loss stall.

But you know, things can always be worse.

Great News

I try not to share personal stuff about anyone but myself, as much as possible, but I do want to call out how proud I am of my hubby, without revealing too much. Yesterday my hubby had to travel to deal with some acrimonious legal dealings that have been stressing us out for a long time.  The good news is that he handled himself perfectly, the other party showed their true (crazy) colors for everyone to see, and the result was the best news for him and our family that we have had in a long time.

The bad news is that as he was checking into his hotel the night before, he slipped on a loose piece of carpet and fell down a flight of stairs.

So after he got home from the trip (knowing the whole time that he had broken his arm, but not wanting to miss the hearing he was there for) I took him to the ER, where we found out he broke his wrist and will need surgery.

Sigh.  Luckily I am recovered, but he is our daughter's primary caregiver while I am working, so this complicates things for us all.  Poor guy.  He's handling it all with a lot of grace, but it's difficult.

As for life with the sleeve, my weight loss is going great.  I'm still losing a couple pounds a week, which I am super happy about.  Right now I am at -32 lbs which is just over 10 lbs per month.  I am finding that I am less hungry than I was a couple months ago, which seems opposite of a lot of people's experience with the sleeve.  I am getting better at gauging how much to eat, but I still occasionally misjudge.  The hardest thing for me is not nibbling as I sit with my family after I know I am done eating.  I know the best thing would be to just get up, but I feel like our meals are abnormal enough, I want to be with my family when they eat.  But my habit is to keep "picking" and those extra 1 or 2 bites are almost always my downfall.

I feel really good, and really hopeful about the future, which is something that is a long time in coming.

A-OK

Everything went fine, cyst is out, ovary intact.  I'm a bit sore but nothing that ibuprofen hasn't been able to handle.  I've just been taking it easy this weekend.  It's strange that this is the only sort of "excuse" I give myself for slowing down and taking it easy...why can't I just relax without it involving something like surgery?

It went very smoothly and I was in and out pretty quickly.  I was very happy to have an excellent team working with me.  And no nausea post op, thanks to my CRNA friend and coworker.

Now I'm trying not to pick up my 2 1/2 year old, but that is nearly impossible.  She is too young to understand any of my explanations.  I try to keep it minimal, but it was the same when I had my sleeve surgery.

I'm holding off weighing for a few days, until the fluid from the swelling dissipates.  I know most WLS people insist we shouldn't weigh daily, or even weekly.  But I have always found that daily weighing keeps me in a rhythm, and keeps me on top of any potential gains.  I've read that it is one thing that people who are successful long-term with weight loss do.  So I do it...but not when I KNOW it is going to be a temporary gain that will only demoralize me, and will go away on its own.

I did a lot of projects in front of the TV last night and today...finished a baby quilt, cut out blocks for another, finished a dish towel with snaps for the oven, etc.  Paid the bills.  Stayed at home on the couch as much as possible, although I did get out in the back yard during a sunny spell, and when I did I couldn't avoid finishing planting my summer dahlias and peonies (and the spring bulbs that I never planted last fall, and are sending up shoots already...dunno if those will bloom or not).  I just have to work in the garden if I have a chance.  I just finished replanting the shady side of the yard with shade-loving perennials.  The previous owners had "re-landscaped" the yard for an attempt at selling the house before we rented it, and had planted that side with things that were not appropriate for shade, and as a result there were a few straggly sticks with a few leaves hanging onto them, scattered around.  Now there are hellebores, bleeding hearts, hostas, bear's breeches, primroses, and a backdrop of 3 hydrangeas to fill in the shady side.  I'm excited to see them fill in over the next few years.   (I'm not normally a big fan of primroses, but they were the only thing that survived from the previous planting, and they have been there for at least 3 years, so I added some more to keep them company.)

I guess it's obvious that I don't sit still very well.

-30

Weight loss has been going well recently.  I'm losing slowly but steadily, finally down 30 lbs--yay!  I should take some more pictures.  It's almost time for measurements as well--I do them at the beginning of the month.

I still have my moments when I wish I could eat more than 1/4 cup of food.  But they are just moments.  Mostly I am just grateful for my sleeve, which is helping me realize my health goals.  

Today I don't have to worry about that for a while--I'm having my surgery on my ovary today.  I have a friend and colleague providing my anesthesia, for which I am grateful.  I'm happy to work in a department in which I would really trust anyone in it to provide anesthesia for me or my family.  But it is nice to be able to choose, especially when I didn't really want any of my male coworkers in there.  We are heading out as soon as hubby gets dressed.  Lucy will spend the day at school, and I'll go home this afternoon.

Keeping it Real

I guess my bikini modelling days are behind me...I'll have my third laproscopic surgery next Friday, to remove that cyst.  I could have taken a wait-and-watch approach, but the idea of ovarian torsion is kind of scary to me, and some days the thing hurts quite a bit.  I will feel better when it is just gone.  Of course, there is that vain part of me that doesn't want to see any inevitable weight gain post op, even if it is just temporary water retention.... But beyond that, I'm not really concerned about it.  The cyst is likely to be an adenoma, which is a benign tumor.

Weight loss is plugging along.  I try not to compare myself to others, which is hard.  My appointment with my surgeon a few weeks ago was fine, and he was pleased with my success so far.  I have heard that being a lap band revision often means a slower weight loss.  I don't know how often that is true, but it makes sense to me that I lost a lot of lean body mass in the process of weight loss, graduate school and pregnancy, and losing weight now is a little harder because of the resulting slower metabolism.  Plus I am older now.  So, I'm trying to take it in stride and be happy for my 1.5-2 lb per week loss, which is still better than I ever did with the band.

I am starting to see a difference in the mirror and in photos.  I'll post one sometime.  I definitely have more energy.  I still have a hard time consistently finding time to run, but the FitBit is encouraging me to go for a walk if I haven't gotten my goal for steps yet, and getting more stairs in as well.  I do think those kinds of incidental activities do help as well.

I read an article today about the queens of mommy blogging.  Actually, I first read a link my hubby sent me about dad blogging, something I've been encouraging him to do since he is the full-time caregiver for our daughter now.  And the article linked to a NY Times article about those power mommy bloggers, particularly Dooce and Pioneer Woman.  I didn't realize just how lucrative Dooce.com is for that family--seriously lucrative, in excess of $1 million a year.  But it got me thinking about the kinds of narratives that have made certain blogs relatable and thus, popular.  You just have to be willing to share everything about yourself, or seem like you are sharing everything.  There is a cost.  If I was willing to do it, I could probably sell our family's daily life story and have a more compelling blog, perhaps even one that made some money.  Weight loss surgery is almost an afterthought around here.  There's my career, there's our family experience with addiction, our nontraditional family approach with me working outside the home and my husband caring for our daughter and our home.  My hubby's life alone was interesting before he even met me.  And two-year-olds are actually pretty interesting.  Ours is hilarious.  But at what cost?  There is a lot of stuff that goes on around here that I'm sure people could relate to and might even find compelling.  But there are costs to losing that privacy, and they are too high for me (not that I am such a fantastic writer anyway...I don't think I have that kind of "voice").  It is very interesting to consider though.  I think most of the blogs out there are kind of like this one: they mainly exist for ourselves, a few people find them because they have similar interests, or they are friends or family who are interested for personal reasons, and they are just out there.  I am careful not to overshare, especially about hubby or my little girl.  The internets are forever, yo.

But I can share about one of the most intimately personal parts of life, my struggles with my weight.  So here I am, keeping it real about trying to lose weight and get healthier.  It's funny, in a way.

Under the knife

It's looking like I'm having more surgery, but nothing weight related.  I've had this big ovarian cyst that was first noted when I was pregnant.  After Lucy was born, with one thing or another always going on, I didn't follow up on it until last month.  Long story short, it's pretty big now, quite big actually, and it will need to come out.  I haven't spoken to the gyn guy yet since my follow up ultrasound earlier this week, but the thing is starting to hurt more often now, and I'm afraid if it gets much bigger I'll end up with a torsion (the cyst gets so heavy it falls down, twisting the ovary, cutting off its circulation and requiring immediate surgery).  It isn't a cancer risk, but the gyn did say that they do need to be removed (I can't remember exactly what he said the concern is other than torsion, gyn isn't exactly my area of expertise).  So anyway, will need that sometime in the next few months I am guessing.

I still haven't gotten the bill for my sleeve yet...

My weight is doing its annoying bounce-around thing.  I've finally realized that when my body fat % goes up while my weight goes down, it's water weight, and vice versa.  Today the scale finally went down along with the body fat %...fat loss! Yeah baby.  I mean, I knew if I lose 3 pounds in 24 hours, it's not fat (or if I gain it, it's also not fat).  But it's always good to be sure.

I'm running when I can and working on my incidental activity a la Fit Bit.  I don't always get 10,000 steps a day but usually pretty close.  My eating is okay, 800 cal and 60g protein on most days.  Slow weight loss continues...

Gone Forever

I cringe when I read the party lines about weight loss surgery: weight loss is portrayed as "forever". These 20 pounds are "gone forever!"  Get rid of your big clothes, you will never need them again!  Guess what: at some point, most of us regain.  If we follow our new plan closely, and are a bit lucky, we will just bounce up a little bit from our lowest weight (goal or below, hopefully).  That is the most common pattern.  But stuff happens--pregnancy, injuries, your lap band breaks--you know, stuff.  It's so easy for us to pile on the shame and guilt.  That's part of how we got here to begin with.  And it doesn't help any with weight loss.

I cringe at this complacency.  Obesity is a chronic illness.  If we are not diligent, we will relapse.  I have all kinds of eating issues.  I overeat in response to emotions.  I eat too fast.  I eat too much despite my small stomach--it still isn't much, but two bites too many means those two bites are coming back up, and that is both uncomfortable and not healthy for my esophagus.  I am working on getting ahead of these issues, but I know this is how I have behaved for most of my life, and if I don't stay diligent, I can easily sabotage this surgery and regain.  So I don't talk about pounds being "gone forever" and I don't get rid of big clothes anymore.  Getting rid of clothes hasn't prevented me from gaining in the past--it just emptied my closet and my wallet.

I just broke down my weight loss week by week, and I can't say I'm thrilled about it.  I lost 17 lbs in the first 2 weeks and I have lost about .75-1.0 lb per week since then.  It is a little faster than with the band, but not much (except that there was no initial quick loss with the band, so that's nice).  I have some other victories: several inches lost, one size smaller pants, one size smaller scrubs, and I'm down about 3% body fat.  But I eat an average of 800 calories a day, and always get at least 60g protein, usually more.  My carbs aren't super low, but they aren't high either.  I'm more active than before.  My Fitness Pal always tells me that if I keep my calories where they are, in 5 weeks I'll be some much smaller weight.  I actually marked this in my calendar 5 weeks ago.  Yesterday I was "supposed" to weigh 15 lbs less than I do.  Yeah, right.

So, maybe a few more calories will spur weight loss, maybe fewer calories...or maybe this is just how I am going to lose, and as long as I keep losing, it's okay.  I don't know.  But I won't say the weight is "gone forever."  I know better than to get that comfortable.

A few more pounds

Down a couple today, finally...let's hope I don't see them again tomorrow!  I did some measurements, though, compared them to January, and I've lost inches everywhere, so there are definitely changes happening even if they don't show on the scale.  And I'm solidly down one size.

I do still browse the forums fairly often, but now I am trying to watch the "veterans" or those in maintenance more than those at my point post op.  When I read posts from people at my point, I mostly see people who are losing weight better than I am.  Of course, more people post who are losing like crazy than those who are slower like me.  And those who are losing less dramatically do post that they must be doing something wrong.  On the other hand, those who have been doing this a year or more and are successful mostly seem to recall long stalls or at least times when they doubted whether things were going the way they were supposed to go, and yet when they look back it is easy for them, and anyone else, to see that they lost plenty of weight over the expected time period.  So, in other words, I take that to mean that it is very easy to lose sight of the big picture when you are in the trenches of early post-op days.  It might seem like not much is happening but I'm sure that a year from now I will be where I want to be.

No one who doesn't know I had surgery has yet commented that I have lost weight.  But that's not too surprising.  I've only lost about 25% of my excess weight.  And I think people who know me know that I am a fairly private person, so they might not comment to me for that reason.  To be honest, with most people I prefer not to talk about it anyway.

I ran a bit yesterday and felt pretty good.  Not a lot of running, but I'm trying to listen to my body and not push it too much.  I did injure my left Achilles tendon last November, so I want to be careful not to overdo it.  I try to walk as much as I can, and gradually work my activity up to a higher level.

I still work on eating slowly and stopping soon enough.  I didn't do great this morning at brunch, ate a couple bites too many.  But I am slowly learning.  I'm not concerned about what I eat (my diet is pretty good) or how many calories I am eating.  I think I am on track as far as what I eat, but at any given meal I just need to learn when to stop a tad earlier.

7 weeks...

Up, down, up, down...same few pounds. I saw 200 for a very brief moment, then back up to this range.  So weird. I am patiently waiting.  There's no way to eat this way without losing weight.

I'm starting to get better about eating the right amount and not overeating.  It's hard to eat slowly enough and not eat those 2 extra bites, which end up coming back up if I eat them.  But I'm getting better at it.

Not much to update right now.  I think the weight loss is showing in my face.

Protein Roundup 2.0

I am back in the protein shake game for the first time since I was first banded 6 years ago.  Things have changed!  I'm happy to report that they are generally better than they used to be.  I got a lot of samples and tried some things out.  Here are some of my opinions about some shakes:

• Lean Dessert--way too thick and sweet.  Halfway between a shake and pudding, yuck.
• Syntrax Nectar--so far have only found one that was good and that was Nectar Sweet in Vanilla Whipped Cream.  The fruit flavored ones sound good, but I haven't found a good one yet.
• Unjury--a lot better now than it was 6 years ago.  I really liked Vanilla and Chocolate Splendor.  Excellent.  The Chocolate Splendor tastes exactly like hot cocoa, and when I heat it up I treat it like that.  It's a nice snack for evening.  Vanilla tastes just like vanilla ice cream, quite good.  Strawberry Sorbet is okay, would probably be good in the summer, especially added to lemonade.  Okay, that sounds really good. I was NOT a fan of Chicken Soup flavor.  Something about a warm, salty protein drink just messed with my head too much.  I couldn't get over expecting it to be sweet and instead tasting salt.  Especially since you can't get it hotter than 140 degrees or the protein clumps (this is true of all protein drinks)...no thank you.
• People rave about Premier RTD (that's ready to drink), sold at Costco and Sam's Club.  I bought chocolate and vanilla, and they are okay, but definitely not the best I have tried. They are better mixed with something else, even just some milk.
• Atkins RTD--do not like the Cafe Caramel, really like the Strawberry.  I have a couple more flavors I haven't tried yet.
• Trutein--this is very good.  The only downside is the texture; it is a little bit gritty, but not too thick.  I have learned that I like thin protein drinks, not the thicker "shake" ones.  Milk Chocolate and Vanilla are excellent, Banana Creme was pretty good.
• Oh Yeah! makes RTD drinks that are pretty good.  I think all the RTD drinks (all the brands I have tried anyway) have an extra chemical taste to them versus the powder versions, and they generally are better mixed into something else, but these are fairly good.
• I got SF Torani syrups to add some variety, and some PB2 powdered peanut butter.  I haven't gotten a lot of use out of the PB2 yet, but SF peppermint and almond are very good in lots of the shakes.

I got samples from Trunutrition (Trutein), Unjury, and VitaLady.com.  There are lots of other companies that offer samples...BJ's Bariatrics, for one, and I think Netrition might (I've ordered a bunch of stuff from them).  This was plenty for me to try and find some that I can use daily.  I'm drinking at least one shake a day, and treating solid food as "training" right now, since I'm still not great at figuring out how much to eat.  I usually drink two shakes, and sometimes another half in the evening, which is a very tempting time to snack or graze for me.  Protein shakes are filling for me and keep me from grazing, so I feel safe with them so far.  I know this is an evolving process, but it is working for now.

Disclosure: I have no affiliation with any of the above companies and have not been compensated for any of these opinions.  These are just my thoughts about the research I did.  I would have been happy to get free samples and review them, but you know those blogs that are kind of a big deal?  This isn't one of them.

I do still use Click, but its nutrition profile isn't that fantastic...not quite enough protein for my morning shake for the calories.  I do add it to other shakes though, and it's pretty good and I get my coffee fix.  I am out now, but might get some more.  My next experiment is adding Starbucks Via to morning shakes.  I'll let you know how that goes.