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Saturday, March 7, 2009


I'm getting used to living in post-crisis now. It's not the same as pre-crisis, when I thought things were pretty normal. Now I know they aren't, and my life is different in a number of inconvenient and irritating, and in some cases frightening, ways. Looking toward the future, I'm uncertain of what it holds. But I am working on living in the moment, being appreciative of 'now'.

I'm thankful that the crisis has passed. I know what is going on now, and it's better than waking up every day uncertain of what else is going to happen or what else I am going to discover that changes everything. I think I'm so thankful to be out of crisis mode that I might accept anything else that passes for normal in my life, which is a risk. I want to decide what is acceptable in my life.

What is left for me now is a deep fatigue. I am tired all the time. My days are filled with administering anesthetics and getting through school. My nights are filled with studying or going to meetings. People ask me normal things, like "how are you", and I am too tired to answer. I try to deflect the conversation back to them as quickly as possible, asking about their kids or anything I can remember that is going on in their lives.

In recovery-speak, this is a family disease, and I am in as much need for recovery as my husband is. But I am often resentful of how consuming "recovery" is, especially since I haven't yet reconciled myself with my own need for recovery. I feel like my circumstances are special or different: how can I be enabling behavior when I wasn't living with the addict, and couldn't see anything happening? Yet I don't think I am logically any different from the other spouses, so I am trying to analyze my situation and see what I can improve in myself--after all, this will only make my life better. But it's exhausting.

I run for stress relief. My eating is not great this week; I've been eating more sugar than I should, and bread and carby stuff. I've been noticing that I get hungry sooner than I used to, like 3 hours after eating. I haven't been super careful about stopping eating after a "small" amount of food, and it's possible that I've dilated my esophagus or pouch or even had a small slip. But I have no other symptoms. Or do I? Sometimes I get kind of a "cramp" in my stomach, not exactly a sharp pain. It doesn't seem to be related to anything I do or eat. Twice I've had a sour stomach when I wake up in the morning, but both times I had eaten right before going to bed, a big no-no for banded folks. I can't see my surgeon until my husband is working again. Hopefully this isn't anything serious.


Diz said...

I'm so sorry about this difficult phase. It's always good to look at yourself, recognize where you can make changes, etc. But it's exhausting to do it 24X7 while holding down classes, working your band, working your marriage, etc. Sometimes, you just have to breathe. Yes, it is all consuming, if you don't set boundaries. My prayers are with you my friend.

Diz said...

Yes. Isla Mujeres was gorgeous. I loved visiting the park at the end of the point. The water there was so clear and the colors amazing. I kept trying to figure out how to convince the husband to move there. Guess we'll have to win the lotto for that one.