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Friday, March 2, 2007

Cranky, crabby, sad...

At the beginning of this year I could forsee all of the changes 2007 would bring: interviews for anesthesia school, weight loss surgery and subsequent weight loss, possibly moving, quitting my job at the hospital, moving on. Exciting stuff, all. Here it is, early March, and things are moving right along: I've had 2 interviews for anesthesia school, am accepted to at least 1 program, and am mere days away from Lap Band surgery.

Why am I such a cranky bitch?

OK, that was at least a little bit rhetorical. Obviously lots of things are changing in my life. But still, I feel something weighing on me. I had a bad GERD attack last night requiring me to go to the couch and sleep with my head propped up. All day long it's been slowly resolving but still feels sour and yucky. I got back to March Wellness (my gym) a few days ago and did great but couldn't get the lead out and go back today, somehow. Just wanted to sleep and do nothing. While I was reading and napping off & on, I had a bowl of vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce on it, and it occurred to me: Maybe the sugar contributes to the problem?

Anyway, whether it does or not, I've been crabby and not very fun to be with today. I have had ongoing problems with my left eye ever since my Gonzaga interview a month ago. I had another appt with the optho and I have ANOTHER infection requiring a whole new set of drops; I think I have 7 or 8 different kinds of eye drops around the house now. That kind of sucks. And I got my CPAP machine today, about which I have mixed feelings. Perhaps I will sleep better with it. Hopefully I won't feel so tired when I use it at night. But man, that's some good birth control, strapping that puppy on. I made some jokes about trying to add some sex appeal to it: some ribbons or black lace or rhinestones on my mask. It's a little depressing, anyway.

Emotions: fear, apprehension, doubt that this Lap Band will work and that I won't be hungry all the time. Excitement that it might work. Anger that I've gotten to this point and that I need this kind of intervention. Some concern that I might have future health problems or complications with the band (like the band eroding or slipping). Loneliness that I don't know anyone else going through this exact thing (one friend had GB, but no one with the Band that I know of.)

Challenges in the future: Getting enough water, chewing enough, dealing with "head hunger." Those are the things I anticipate being the biggest problems, but perhaps it will be something else entirely that proves to be the biggest challenge.

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