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Friday, January 23, 2009

Feeling Uncomfortable with Comfort

Thanks for the kind comments and notes. Things seem better. Hubby is here in Spokane, working on the things he has to work on. I am hesitant to get too hopeful, but things look much better than they did at the beginning of the week.

I've gone to Al Anon meetings 3 times now, and they are very helpful and supportive. Mainly right now I am not working on any "steps" or anything but just trying to learn to be responsible for my own self, not think I can control anybody else or what they do. Despite being the mellow gal that I am, I have a pretty strong control freak inside me.

I still have a tremendous sadness for all that has happened in the past year and especially in the past few weeks. I love my husband, and hate to see him hurting. My impulse is to do everything to help, but that is not the right thing for me to do. At a meeting yesterday the discussion topic was "Feeling Uncomfortable"--the way you feel when you are learning something new. In this case, the something new is how to live without concerning yourself so much with the behavior of others, and how not to create or thrive on drama. I wouldn't say that I am any sort of drama queen in my personal life, but the fact that I chose trauma critical care as a vocation for so many years would seem to indicate that I do enjoy a certain amount of drama. I have been feeling uncomfortable, mostly because I want to trust the feeling that things are getting better but I am afraid to. Trying to be more cautious about my emotions and what I attach myself to is tiring.

Speaking of tiring, I ought to get to bed soon. This week has been exhausting. I had my first full day in the OR in a few weeks today, and it was really tiring. Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone. It really helps. I hope the drama is receding now.

1 comment:

Diz said...

Such an interesting post. That's why some people are resistant to change..because of that uncomfortable feeling. Good for you going to the Al Anon meetings. You'll know when and if the "step" process is right for you.

For me, the hardest part of those meetings was the group hugs at the end. I didn't want anyone touching me. It took months to get past that one. You are in my prayers Girl.