A Different Path

I am now, temporarily, a single mom.

My husband had a serious relapse after a long series of small relapses. I won't go into the details, but there was plenty of heartache to go around. Finally, he agreed to inpatient treatment, and the recommended program is in a southwestern state. He left on Thursday morning, and will be gone for a minimum of 30 days, and likely 60-90 days in total.

Because of our history, I entered into parenthood with the knowledge that I might be a single parent eventually, but I don't want to be. And if this treatment program goes well and my hubby truly achieves meaningful recovery, then this will be a temporary bump in the road. But in the meanwhile, I'm piecing together a life for Lucy and myself on our own. I have twice as much childcare to pay for, and no personal time at all. Lucy is disrupted--sleeping poorly, wants to be held all the time. She's not really fussy, but normally she can entertain herself for a decent period of time.

I really should find a counselor for myself, and an Al-Anon meeting. But that requires more childcare, which isn't really in the budget. I don't have a large support network in Portland, because I have been focused first on my pregnancy and then with parenting since I moved back here. Also, things have been falling apart for several months, and I've isolated myself. So now I am working on cultivating some support. So far, I've had some luck, thankfully.

Did I mention that the program is very expensive? And we just lost a large chunk of our income by sending hubby to treatment? Thankfully our insurance pays for part of it, but the remaining portion is still staggering. I make a good income, but I don't know if it is enough--I've already had to borrow money to get this started.

I haven't really had much time to think about all that has transpired yet, but I know that is coming soon.

Hey, at least I've lost a little weight! But I'm finding that I have a bit of reflux when I am really stressed. I don't usually have it, and no food ever gets stuck or comes back up, I still never barf. I don't think the band needs to be loosened.

This program is really our only option, though. Addiction is deadly, and I know he will die early without real, meaningful treatment and recovery. I do love him dearly. And I do believe that addicted people are sick, not bad. But that doesn't keep me from hating the behavior, or being angry and hurt, and resentful for being left holding the bag here at home. I guess you could say I'm struggling.

That's my stuff today.

Finally

The scale is finally moving. After about 10 or so days at the exact same weight, it went down 2 pounds. It stayed there for about 4 days, then it went down another pound today. Whew!

For the first time since I was banded, I started having heartburn last week. It wasn't when I ate, it was always when I went to bed, which was usually about 3 hours after I eat. And even weirder, when I am home with Lucy, I lay down to nap with her pretty often, and would never get heartburn then. But finally I realized it was probably just my period causing it. It never happened before, but the last few nights I haven't had it. I did reduce my bread and rice intake, which I probably needed to do anyway. So I guess it turned out to be a good thing, since it helped me change my behavior, which is what the band is all about, isn't it?

I had a comment recently about the blog and about getting the VSG instead of the band. I think that's great. I've often thought that if I needed to have a revision done for some reason, I would have a sleeve instead. Finding the sweet spot with the band can be a pain. Every surgery has its pluses and minuses, but the VSG sounds like a pretty good surgery, and I know of a lot of former bandsters who had to revise and went to that. No matter how one feels about the band, I would definitely recommend something like a sleeve to anyone who is going to be living a significant distance from a follow-up care surgeon. Sometimes you need to be seen right away for a too-tight band, and if you have to fly somewhere it is a real problem.

I'll post some recent Lucy pics when I have another minute--right now, she beckons, adieu!

the longest journey

I haven't had much time for blogging, although I have thought about topics often. I find that when I am home I am too busy to even open my laptop, and I can't blog at work. So I am going to try on my phone, even though the phone app doesn't allow me to format.

Lucy is sleeping on me right now. Poor girl has her first cold, and she can't breathe lying down. She made it almost 8 months before getting sick, which I think is pretty good. We all had the crud this weekend, just in time for a planned visit with my father. None of us were up for much entertaining, but we made it ok.

My weight isn't getting higher or lower. It has been exactly the same, to the tenth of a pound, for about 9 consecutive days. Frustrating. I had a fill on Thursday but it was tiny. I return in 3 weeks. I can still eat way too much.

I have been to my new gym, and dropped Lucy off with the childcare they offer. They fell in love with Lucy and begged me to bring her back. Pretty cute. I will try to go again tomorrow. After not running during my pregnancy, I am back to square one with fitness. But for now I am just trying to reestablish the habit first.

So far to go to reach my goals! But I am hopeful that I will get there.

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Caution: Extreme Cuteness Ahead

Back to working the band

I have been wanting to blog for quite a while now, and have had many bloggy thoughts to follow up on. Now, I have a spare minute to do it, with baby and daddy asleep, and...my mind is a blank.

It's been hard to find some time to blog lately. Lucy is 7 months old now, and I want to spend all my time with her when I'm not at work. Consequently, I'm never on my computer at home anymore. I can do some limited web-surfing at work (check the news, Slate, etc) but I can't really blog or Facebook, so I'm just not on there much anymore.

I say "limited" because anything that requires real concentration (like blogging) isn't the best thing to do while taking care of a patient, and I couldn't do that. There are definitely moments in a case when the patient is stable, the surgeons are doing something tedious (I work in a teaching hospital, so routine cases usually take a bit longer since there is teaching going on) and I can check out msnbc. But if I become engrossed in writing something...that's not good, so I just don't do that.

Anyway...

I had my upper GI and fill on the 14th. It was good to get back to my original surgeon's office, and to have my insurance pay for this stuff! The upper GI was fine, Dr P said it looked like she had just put the band in yesterday (although it was one of her former partners, actually). She gave me a small fill, which I have noticed a difference from, but I still have a ways to go. I'm working on being mindful about eating, and making better choices, and I think it's helping--I'm bouncing around the same couple pounds, but I'm not gaining. And I switched gyms. Yes, I left my beloved march wellness, probably for good because their one location is really inconvenient now, and they don't offer childcare, so I only ended up being able to go about once a month. We have a 24 Hour Fitness less than half a mile from our house, an easy walk, so I moved over there. I added my husband too, and our dues together are only $10 a month more than I was paying for my own membership at march. And they have childcare. So, win.

Being a new parent, I find myself thinking a lot about how we are going to influence our daughter's attitudes about eating and body image. One thing I think about is that my husband and I have sort of evolved into an ad-hoc dinner style; we rarely plan and execute a sit-down dinner at home for ourselves. We often just grab a snack in the evening instead of making a meal for us both. The nights I work, I will come home sometime between 7 and 8:30 (unless I'm working late, then it's between 10-midnight). Hard to plan, and once I get home I have to put Lucy to sleep because she refuses to sleep if I'm not home (or she wakes up once I get home--don't know how she does it). But I would like Lucy to have a family that eats dinner together. So we'll have to work on this, and figure out what works for our family.

Lucy is growing like crazy. She got her first 2 teeth about 3 weeks ago, and is about to have her upper 2 come through as well. She sits up on her own and crawls on her belly (hasn't figured out how to get that belly off the floor yet). She laughs a lot, often at totally unpredictable things. She loves going on the baby swings at the parks. She usually doesn't like us to feed her solids with a spoon, but she'll eat anything if she can do it herself. She babbles all the time, and says "mama"--it used to be only when she was upset, but now she just says it randomly sometimes. She has the cutest little voice. She is getting so big so fast, it makes us sad sometimes that her tiny baby days are gone so quickly. But we have a blast with her.

A Letter

Dear Left Breast,

I know it is kind of odd to be writing to you. I mean, I don't think you've ever gotten any mail before. But I feel like I owe you a lot these days, and I want to thank you.

Almost 10 years ago, you were huge. I had surgery to reduce you and Right both, which was successful, and which I was quite happy with. That surgery helped me to exercise more and relieved my back and neck pain. You were just too big.

When I had that surgery, though, I didn't realize that one day I really would have the chance to have a baby, and that it would become very, very important to me to breastfeed that baby. I don't regret the surgery, but I had a lot of concerns that I wouldn't be able to provide my daughter with breast milk.

That came true with Right, which has so much scar tissue now inside that my baby could not latch at all, and I can barely express any milk from that side. But you, Left, have been a trooper. Together with some pharmaceutical help, we have provided Lucy with about half of the milk she has drunk in the past 6 months. We grew her strong and tall, with a nice big brain, and have made her very healthy. In fact, so far (knock on wood) she has not been sick once, and she was just a few months old through the winter cold and flu season. Without breast milk, I don't know if her immune system would have been so strong.

Tomorrow Lucy will be 6 months old, and I have weaned off the domperidone. I'm still producing milk, so I am going to keep pumping a few times a day for a little longer--maybe just a day or two--just to see what happens. I am wrapping up this part of my life, and I don't know if I will have another chance to provide a baby with milk. It's hard to say goodbye. But you've given me one of my first important lessons in parenting: that often, things don't go the way you want them to go, and although they might be very important to me, I have to find a way to make peace with it.

Now you are a little droopier than Right, and more painful most of the time. But you've accomplished something remarkable. Thank you for letting me provide something so important for my baby.

Slowly but Surely

I'm tapering my domperidone dose down, and trying to wrap my head around stopping pumping. I have mixed feelings about it, as I think I've shared here before.

The good things are: I've lost 4 pounds, and I have a lot less hunger and cravings for sugary foods since I started tapering. I'm on about half the dose I have been taking at this point. Today I made a Costco run, and was shocked that I didn't even have any desire to get anything in the bakery section (a killer for me, usually) or any sugary goodies. It made the trip much quicker than usual!

The bad, or confusing, things are: I have a hard time letting go of this phase of our lives. Even though pumping doesn't have as many positives connected to it as nursing does, it does feel kind of like weaning from nursing. If Lucy was nursing, instead of just taking expressed milk from a bottle, I would still be doing it and not even considering stopping, even if I gained another 40 pounds over the next 6 months. (Okay, maybe not that much.) But pumping, and only pumping, with a nearly-6-month-old, is tough. Still, I love that I can give her my own milk. It's not saving me any money, between pumping supplies and medication, but it's so good for her, and she enjoys it more than formula, and it's something that only I can make just for her. I will miss that. But this weekend I have another painful blister that bleeds and makes me question pumping at all right now. So I feel it's time to start letting go of pumping, yet I have a hard time with it.

I do want my body back. I do want to fit into clothes and to be able to run again. And I'm mostly sure I want to have another baby, one more, and cannot stand the idea of getting pregnant at an even higher weight and gaining even more weight. I have to give myself these pep talks and remind myself why I am doing this.

Fill and upper GI on April 14!

Coming down to it

This week, I was mistaken for pregnant twice.

This is unacceptable to me. I almost shut down Project Milk right then. I discussed how unhappy my weight and the pumping are making me with hubby. I actually resolved to quit, despite how important it is to both of us that Lucy have 6 months of breastmilk. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I just worried about that day. I am going one day at a time.

I do feel ambivalent about giving up pumping. I do think it is important, and I am proud that I have been able to provided much of her milk despite my physical challenges. At the same time, I have been making every personal decision about my body with my child in mind for 15 months now, and I am ready to have my body be mine again. And I am ready to see my coworkers during breaks instead of spending them huddled in a shower stall every day.

So it starts now. I bought a lovely BOB stroller this week and started the Couch to 5k plan this week. I am slowly tapering the domperidone over the next 3 weeks, but not reducing my pumping frequency yet. And I am watching what I eat. I still won't have my fill until April, but I expect to have made a little bit of progress by then.

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The Date is Set!

April 14 is when I return to my original band surgeon (now that I am back in Portland) and get an upper GI and a fill. About 6 weeks from now, which is actually perfect. By then, Lucy will be 6 months old and I will stop taking domperidone (and probably stop lactating after that), and I'll be ready to start losing weight without fear of damaging my milk supply. In the meanwhile, I am looking for an inexpensive jogging stroller (on Craigslist mostly) to give me more options for working out. I think I might also arrange for our nanny to come once a week so I can go to the gym.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to compile a list of easy-to-prepare, healthy dinners to make quickly and a list of ingredients to keep on hand. Most of the cooking here is done by my husband; sometimes I enjoy cooking, but I don't like the day-to-day meal preparation, and I've never been good at planning ahead for meals, although I know I could save a lot of money if I did.

So, anyone have any favorite go-to recipes for dinner that are healthy and band-friendly (weight loss friendly)? I'd love to hear them!

I'm relieved to start this process. As much as I enjoyed (most of) my pregnancy, and this time of providing nourishment for my daughter, I am ready to fit into my clothes again. I'm also ready to get back into shape.

And there's more. I've been following up on this benign lump in my breast for some time. I've seen a bunch of doctors, and it's not anything dangerous, but they do think I should have it removed. It's large enough that removing it means I need a repeat breast reduction (which I needed anyway) to make things even. But...we still might have another baby, and it would have to be relatively soon if we do (like the next couple years), and I want to try breastfeeding again. Also, I want my tummy tuck at the same time (!). So, I have a referral to a plastic surgeon, but I would need to lose weight first at a minimum. What would make the most sense is waiting for all of that until I've either decided against a second baby or after that baby is born (and weaned). So, that's on the horizon, but I don't think it will be for a few years. Meanwhile, losing weight is definitely part of the plan.

So, one more month of pumping for Lucy. Pumping is so much work. I know I've complained about it before. I don't think if I had a second child that I could do this exclusive-pumping thing again, not with a baby and a toddler running around. It just takes too much time and ties you down too much. 6 months is my max for Lucy because she is already getting too restless to tolerate my pumping schedule. Many pumping sessions get started and abruptly interrupted because she needs or wants my time (and you can't blame a 5 month old for that). I can't see her tolerating it very well beyond 6 months. And it really sucks being tied to that thing every 3-4 hours for at least 30 minutes. I'm going to miss being able to provide milk for Lucy, but not the pumping.

Start where you are!

Looking over at my "About This Blog" blurb to the right, I see that my 4 year bandiversary is coming up on March 13. 4 years sounds like a long time to me. A lot has transpired since my surgery day...I've started and completed graduate school, moved to Spokane and back to Portland, become a CRNA and started a new job, and of course, given birth to the beautiful joy of my life, Lucy. And now, I am getting itchy to get my body back.

I've kept most of the particulars off this blog, like my exact weights, but that feels cumbersome right now, so I'd rather just put it all out there, as I get into a mindset to lose weight and regain my body again after pregnancy and lactation.

A band recap:
Starting weight: 234 in March 2007
Lowest weight: 165 in February 2009
Prepregnancy starting weight: 180 in December 2009
Highest pregnant weight: 209 in September 2010
Current: 196

I actually initally lost all but 5 pounds of my pregnancy weight in the first two weeks post delivery, but when I started domperidone to increase my milk supply, the weight came back on and has stabilized. I've been this weight for at least the last month, with very little variation.

I have very mixed feelings about where I am. On the one hand, I realize that my body is still doing a lot of work in nourishing my child, and it's not the time (yet) to seriously try to lose weight. And I'm happy that I can provide at least some (about half) of my child's nutrition. It's all coming from just one poor post-op breast, so I'm happy I can do this much, and although I still find exclusive pumping hard, I am going to try to make it at least to 6 months. But on the other hand, I really am ready to get my body back, and hopefully get back to my goal weight before (possibly, probably) trying for one more pregnancy.

My goal will be 165. By BMI standards, that seems high, but when I was that weight, I was a size 6 and quite thin. I don't need to be any smaller than that. Maintaining 170 wasn't too tough, but 165 took a little work. We'll see what I am able to do.

Some people get into weight loss mode very quickly and jump right in. I've always found it works best for me to take my time to ramp up to the right mindset. I'm in that process now. I'm just working on paying attention to what I'm eating, not necessarily editing it but making some effort to make good choices. I'm trying to work out still, but am finding it very hard to get out with the baby. Part of it is that I just don't want to spend my time off away from her, so I don't go. I do want to get a jogging stroller now that she is old enough to be in one (around 4 months their necks are strong enough for the jostling) to help me get out more. (That might take some convincing for my husband, since we already have 2 strollers. But I really do think it will help me get more exercise.)

And as for the band? I probably need a fill. I had 1 cc removed at the start of the pregnancy, and haven't had any fill since then. But I definitely need to see how I do with good eating choices first, to determine if I really need one. Because I've never gotten really strong "restriction" signs, and have never felt overfilled, it's always been hard for me to determine if a fill is needed. I suspect I'll find that I want one, but not while I am still pumping, and I doubt they would do it even if I wanted it now. So we'll table that thought for the time being.

Meanwhile, the Lucy Report: She is awesome! She just turned 4 months old, is smiling and sometimes laughing, and can roll over from tummy to back. She's getting very strong and might be sitting on her own in the next few weeks. She can sit in her Bumbo quite nicely. She went through some sleep regression over the last month but has done better the last 3 nights, basically sleeping through the night in her crib like a big girl! We are having so much fun with our sweet girl. She has our hearts for sure!