Random Thoughts

Yes, I've been away. Between work and my toddler, I don't get much blogging done! (Or really any computing.)

I have had some posts percolating for some time, but at this time they seem to be just little thought bubbles, so that's all I've got.

-I secretly want to be a mommy blogger. I follow a ton of crafty-mommy blogs, and I don't know how they do it (or if they even do it, or if they are faking!) but I am amazed. Maybe they really have secret helpers or elves that do the magic behind the blogging curtain. I'd love to spend my days hanging out with my girl and making fun stuff. And decorating my house, and doing all this crazy DIY stuff. But, yeah. I'm doing pretty well just to read their blogs from time to time.

-I read an article recently on CNN that was titled something like "Horrible guests, vegetarians, and other Thanksgiving nightmares". I think the title wasn't quite that nasty, but that was the idea I took away from it. I'm an omnivore nowadays, but I spent over 20 Thanksgivings as a vegetarian. Why is a vegetarian at Thanksgiving dinner such a nightmare? For every snooty, finicky, self-righteous vegetarian, there are at least 20 who want nothing more than to enjoy your company and a nice meal, and who will do anything to avoid you stressing out over feeding them. It's not that big a deal, really. Thanksgiving dinner to me has always been more about the sides than the bird anyway.

-The difference, for me, between now and when I was losing weight is not what I'm eating or even my level of restriction, it's running. I was running at least 10 miles a week when I was losing weight. Now, well, running has been sporadic at best. It's very hard to find time to run on top of everything else. I've experimented with getting up earlier on days I work (like 4:45) to get in a run, and that has worked best, but this week it wasn't really possible between working and staying up late cooking for Thanksgiving. Next week, though, I hope to get back at it. At least I'm not gaining. I am hoping to lose 5 lbs by the end of the year. Not gaining would be a minor victory.

That is all for now. Happy Thanksgiving y'all.

Frustration

Well, I'm super frustrated with weight loss. I have been gaining and losing the same 5 lbs for months now. In fact, I've been at this weight for nearly a year and it's making me crazy. I've tracked my calories, and I'm paying attention to urges for mindless eating. I'm NOT getting regular exercise, because I still haven't figured out how to fit it into my schedule, but I am working on it (looking at biking to work, and I'll be going to shorter shifts soon so I'll have a bit more time on work days). But I think exercise is a fairly small part of the problem. My stress is probably a big part of it.

One of the big stressors is the house hunt. In June, we signed a 1-year renewal on our lease of the house we are in. In August, our landlord announced he was selling the house. A few weeks later, we got the foreclosure notice from his bank's attorney. Needless to say, this threw us into a tailspin. We had wanted to buy a house, but were planning on a year from now. We just spent all of our money on treatment, and we have huge amounts of debt. But, when we looked at the situation, we realized that going to another rental is likely to end up the same way, since so many houses for rent right now (especially the nicer ones) are first homes of people who bought something else and couldn't sell their first place, and many of these end up in foreclosure.

There actually turns out to be a lot of upside to our situation. We consulted a couple attorneys (our landlord is an attorney, so we wanted to be sure of our position) and found that current federal law protects us because of the foreclosure. In fact, in many ways we seem to have more rights than the owners. Once foreclosure proceedings began, our lease became protected even if the house is sold or auctioned. Also, we were able to use our deposit--all of it--towards rent, because in either a sale or auction there is nothing compelling the original owner to return our deposit for any reason. Many people have told us we can "squat" here, not paying rent at all now, but that isn't true unless we don't care if we are evicted. And we do care, because we are using this time to look for and purchase a home, and we want to have this place to live in until we close on a house.

So, it's good--we are buying a house!--and we will end up paying less for the mortgage than we do in rent, but it's quite stressful nonetheless. We might buy the house we are in, since we love the location so much, but that is not a certainty by any means.

We are accustomed to having a lot of stress in our lives, and we are trying to learn how to cultivate serenity instead of chaos. I am hopeful that this process has a side effect of helping me to change whatever behavior is keeping me from losing this weight.

A couple weeks ago, our Lucy turned 1--I can't believe it. We had her first birthday party, and it was much bigger than we had intended, and it was exhausting for all of us, but fun. It was a pretty traditional party--kids, presents, cake, chaos--but we decorated with Indian elephants, to celebrate her heritage. She had fun, although she was frequently overwhelmed by everything happening around her. We dressed her in the cutest baby sari that I found online. Super adorable. When I get the pics off the camera, I'll post some.

Summer Pics

Two-Legged Life Again

I am out of my boot, my xrays show good healing bone, and the sprain is mostly healed. My ankle still gets a bit sore, but I went back to work this week and it went fine. It's kind of good, actually, after almost 8 weeks at home, to be back at work, although I've enjoyed the summer spent with Lucy and the past few weeks with hubby as well. I was afraid of losing my skills at work, so it's good to get back to it.

Being laid up for a couple months, or at least having less than usual activity, isn't great for weight loss. But I think I am getting to understand my emotional triggers for eating a lot better now. There is a lot of talk in the WLS community about "emotional eating" and that basically seems to refer to eating for any reason other than actual physical hunger. This, I have found, is a vast generalization, to the point of becoming meaningless. Emotional eating? Most eating is associated with emotions. The advice given is that one should start therapy and get a handle on their "emotional eating" before going through with WLS.

This is well-intended advice, but again, I think it is a bit meaningless. What I am learning about myself is that I have a lot of underlying anxiety. My daily life, in fact, is filled with a lot more anxiety than I have ever been conscious of before. I don't notice my anxiety because, A, I am so used to it and have lived with it for so very long, and B, I self-medicate before I notice that I was anxious. Frequently the self-medication is food, but not always. I also read, shop, or sew or do other crafts. None of those things is bad in itself, but they do help me continue to ignore the anxiety that led me to those activities in the first place.

I'm hoping that as I start to notice myself suddenly get "hungry" (which is actually "appetite", an emotional trigger, rather than "hunger" which is physical, and comes on gradually) and realize that it is often because I am experiencing some anxiety over something, that this triggered eating will diminish. My weight loss has halted again, and I suppose I should also determine if I need another fill. I don't think I really do, I think that I do more eating when I'm not hungry than I realize. So, I am more focused right now on improving this area of life.

I'm pretty frustrated by this weight loss thing, to be honest. I am still 20 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight. I would like to have another baby, and I don't have much time to do it, but I can't fathom getting pregnant at this weight for a starting point. It's depressing. Getting back to the gym should help a little, though. And we are doing pretty well about following the goals I listed in my last post--preparing meals at home, eating at the table, eating lots of fruits and veggies. Lucy is doing much better with her solids and pretty much eats what we do.

I'm not saying much about hubby's progress because it's not my place to do so here, except to comment that he is doing much, much better and we are feeling much more hopeful for our future. I'm very happy to have him home and on a better path.

"Normal" Eating?

I was raised by an anorexic/bulimic. This isn't a secret, and if my mother read this, she would agree. Her mother was also an anorexic, and felt she was overweight at 90 lbs. My mother knew the ins and outs of her eating disorders before I was even born. It was so not a secret, in fact, that she explicitly inducted me into the club as a pre-teen (or as they are called now, "tween"). She taught me, in clear language, that "this is what women do": diet to be thin, purge if necessary. I don't think this would have come to me naturally without coaching; I was and am much more prone to simple overeating. But this was my instruction, and I followed instruction until I realized that it was making me sick and miserable. This was around age 16.

Now I am raising my own daughter. She is only 9 months old, but I realize that she is already learning how to eat from me. She has been slow to take to solids, and it became clear early on that she was mostly interested in things she could hold herself, and things that her dad and I were eating. No baby food or purees for her. She wants real stuff. She often isn't interested in food at all, anything I offer her, so we skip a lot of "meals" since she is getting her nutrition from formula still. At least once a day I put her in her high chair and eat a meal with her, but it's rarely 3 times a day.

This isn't just her, though. I don't really eat "meals" when left to my own devices. Since I was banded, it seems like so much trouble to go through to prepare a meal for just myself when I'm only going to eat a cup or so of food. It's a lot easier to pick something out of the fridge that will keep me satisfied for the next several hours. And lately, those choices have not been particularly band-wise.

I realize this isn't normal. And while in a lot of ways it makes sense for me, my daughter is not banded. If she is lucky, and has good, healthy instruction in childhood, she will never need to consider something like that. But how do I teach her normal attitudes about food? How can I teach her how to choose a normal, healthy meal when I don't really know what that is myself?

My mother cooked meals for us, don't get me wrong. There were plenty of nights we ate out, or ate TV dinners, but usually she cooked dinner, we almost always had a packed lunch, and sometimes on weekends she would make breakfast. She is a good cook. And I give her a lot of credit for feeding us healthy foods and not letting us become picky eaters. We always had a good variety of foods, and when I ate with friends, I was always the least picky eater of the bunch.

I don't know why I have this aversion to preparing meals on a regular basis. I do, but I don't understand it. But I'd like to overcome it and teach Lucy healthy attitudes about eating. I think it is probably "normal" to have parents who cook or prepare most of your meals, to usually eat at least one meal together, and to eat sitting down, slowly. Not scarfing down something over the sink (I do that regrettably often). It's "normal" (I think) to learn when you are full and not be forced or cajoled into eating more than that amount. It's "normal" to mostly eat freshly prepared food (that is, not packaged/store bought/restaurant food) and to have sweets only "occasionally" rather than with every meal or every snack. Am I right? Am I missing anything here?

I don't eat normally. My husband doesn't either; we both are in the habit of grabbing something when we are hungry. He is better about it being something healthy than I am. He is more of a cook than I am, especially an everyday cook. But maybe I could make some sort of list of eating goals, and work toward them slowly, with a goal of modeling more "normal" eating than I had modeled for me? (Because, despite all those home-cooked healthy meals, the majority of the eating that took place in our house was anything but normal.)

Goals:

1. Cook dinner at home most nights.

2. Eat a variety of vegetables and proteins

3. Have fruit instead of sweets

4. Prepare healthy breakfasts at home (this I'm reasonably good at, especially hot cereals)

5. Eat slowly, at the table

Those seem like pretty normal goals. Any other bandster parents have comments to add? I have an opportunity to break or diminish the cycle, as my daughter is still a baby. I don't want to screw it up.

A Sedentary Life

Lucy and her nanny are off to the zoo today. Summer arrived in Portland a couple of days ago (in time for the 4th--a rarity in the Pacific NW) and I have mostly stayed inside, not only because of my gimpy leg, but I also got the yucky cold going around. I woke up last night around 3am unable to stop coughing, and had to find some cough suppressant to get through the rest of the night. Today my head hurts every time I cough.

Lucy has a bit of a stuffy nose, but so far that seems to be it.

Things are going okay. I am waiting to hear the outcome of my short term disability claim. I don't think it will be denied, but I haven't really checked to see if I really have an 8 day waiting period (instead of longer). I guess I have too many other things going on.

I haven't been weighing myself in the past week. I'm afraid what a week of inactivity will reveal on the scale. It can't be good.

Hubby is doing pretty well. He will probably come home around the 23rd of July, after 45 days of treatment. He sounds really good on the phone.

I guess I'm off to read, knit, or sleep.

Today's Gift

I get the "Today's Gift" daily meditation emails from Hazelden. I usually ignore them, honestly--most of them are too churchy for me. But sometimes one is really helpful, like this one, which seemed quite timely in light of both physical and emotional injuries that are in need of healing.

Stopping, calming, and resting are preconditions for healing. When animals in the forest are wounded they find a place to lie down and rest completely for many days . . . They just rest and get the healing they need.
--Thich Nhat Hanh

We hurt. We suffer. We wrong our loved ones and they do wrong by us. Reaching desperately for an answer will not help us. Pretending we're not hurt doesn't help either. When we are wounded, the wound needs rest in order to heal. So it is with our souls. If we poke at our hurt, pick at the sore, rub it in the dirt of others' opinions, we do not allow it time to heal.

If you've been hurt, accept that. Feel the hurt. Be aware of it. Let it heal. Maybe it would be better if you didn't talk to that person for a while. Maybe you need to let go of the relationship. Maybe you just need some quiet time. Whatever the answer is, find a safe place and allow yourself to heal.

If you're feeling pain, be aware of it. Feel the pain, and then quit picking at the wound. Lie low. Quit fighting. Relax. Give your wounds time and enough rest to heal.

No, Seriously...

We have been on our own for about 2 1/2 weeks now. Hubby is doing well in treatment. I talk to him daily, and he seems to be really getting into the program and practicing lots of new healthy behaviors. He sounds very healthy and honest.

On Sunday, I was getting ready to take Lucy for a walk outside. It was a gorgeous day, maybe 80 degrees, no clouds. I got her ready upstairs, put on shoes that I thought would both be comfortable to walk in and go well with my cute skirt. I then proceeded to slip on the second step and fall down the next 5.

Lucy was scared, and cried for a minute, but she was fine. I was initially writhing in pain and nauseated. At first I thought, "For sure, I've broken my ankle." Then I reconsidered: often, people think their ankle is broken and it's just a bad sprain. After about 10 more minutes though, I knew whichever it was, I had to go the ER.

Luckily I had my phone with me. I got ahold of a friend to take me to the ER, and my neighbor to watch Lucy while we were there. They got me through very quickly (I went to my own hospital) and in fact, I did have 2 fractures on my fibula (the thinner bone of the lower leg). The good news is that it does not need surgery. The bad news: 6 weeks of no weight-bearing.

If you are wondering how I am going to take care of Lucy with one leg, you're on the right track. Also, our house is 3 stories. There's no bathroom upstairs, or I could live up there. And if you're wondering if I can work, no, I can't. I should qualify for short-term disability with this. I can't drive either.

Hubby was sort of distraught at first when I told him, and wanted to come home, but knew after we talked for a bit that the best thing was for him to continue the work he is doing. I don't know why I'm not more stressed than I am about this turn of events, but I guess I've just sort of surrendered to it all. My nanny is still coming during the daytime to help with Lucy, and I'm lining up friends to come in the evenings and on the weekends to help with Lucy. I'm getting around okay between the crutches and the walker. I just can't carry Lucy anywhere. Lucy doesn't really understand why Mommy can't pick her up or play with her as much, but she is settling down a bit. Poor girl.

I guess the good news is that now I'm not working for a while...while I do really need the money, I'll make most of my salary on disability, and am forced to slow down and take care of myself more. People are bringing food...it's good to have friends and family who care.

A Different Path

I am now, temporarily, a single mom.

My husband had a serious relapse after a long series of small relapses. I won't go into the details, but there was plenty of heartache to go around. Finally, he agreed to inpatient treatment, and the recommended program is in a southwestern state. He left on Thursday morning, and will be gone for a minimum of 30 days, and likely 60-90 days in total.

Because of our history, I entered into parenthood with the knowledge that I might be a single parent eventually, but I don't want to be. And if this treatment program goes well and my hubby truly achieves meaningful recovery, then this will be a temporary bump in the road. But in the meanwhile, I'm piecing together a life for Lucy and myself on our own. I have twice as much childcare to pay for, and no personal time at all. Lucy is disrupted--sleeping poorly, wants to be held all the time. She's not really fussy, but normally she can entertain herself for a decent period of time.

I really should find a counselor for myself, and an Al-Anon meeting. But that requires more childcare, which isn't really in the budget. I don't have a large support network in Portland, because I have been focused first on my pregnancy and then with parenting since I moved back here. Also, things have been falling apart for several months, and I've isolated myself. So now I am working on cultivating some support. So far, I've had some luck, thankfully.

Did I mention that the program is very expensive? And we just lost a large chunk of our income by sending hubby to treatment? Thankfully our insurance pays for part of it, but the remaining portion is still staggering. I make a good income, but I don't know if it is enough--I've already had to borrow money to get this started.

I haven't really had much time to think about all that has transpired yet, but I know that is coming soon.

Hey, at least I've lost a little weight! But I'm finding that I have a bit of reflux when I am really stressed. I don't usually have it, and no food ever gets stuck or comes back up, I still never barf. I don't think the band needs to be loosened.

This program is really our only option, though. Addiction is deadly, and I know he will die early without real, meaningful treatment and recovery. I do love him dearly. And I do believe that addicted people are sick, not bad. But that doesn't keep me from hating the behavior, or being angry and hurt, and resentful for being left holding the bag here at home. I guess you could say I'm struggling.

That's my stuff today.

Finally

The scale is finally moving. After about 10 or so days at the exact same weight, it went down 2 pounds. It stayed there for about 4 days, then it went down another pound today. Whew!

For the first time since I was banded, I started having heartburn last week. It wasn't when I ate, it was always when I went to bed, which was usually about 3 hours after I eat. And even weirder, when I am home with Lucy, I lay down to nap with her pretty often, and would never get heartburn then. But finally I realized it was probably just my period causing it. It never happened before, but the last few nights I haven't had it. I did reduce my bread and rice intake, which I probably needed to do anyway. So I guess it turned out to be a good thing, since it helped me change my behavior, which is what the band is all about, isn't it?

I had a comment recently about the blog and about getting the VSG instead of the band. I think that's great. I've often thought that if I needed to have a revision done for some reason, I would have a sleeve instead. Finding the sweet spot with the band can be a pain. Every surgery has its pluses and minuses, but the VSG sounds like a pretty good surgery, and I know of a lot of former bandsters who had to revise and went to that. No matter how one feels about the band, I would definitely recommend something like a sleeve to anyone who is going to be living a significant distance from a follow-up care surgeon. Sometimes you need to be seen right away for a too-tight band, and if you have to fly somewhere it is a real problem.

I'll post some recent Lucy pics when I have another minute--right now, she beckons, adieu!

the longest journey

I haven't had much time for blogging, although I have thought about topics often. I find that when I am home I am too busy to even open my laptop, and I can't blog at work. So I am going to try on my phone, even though the phone app doesn't allow me to format.

Lucy is sleeping on me right now. Poor girl has her first cold, and she can't breathe lying down. She made it almost 8 months before getting sick, which I think is pretty good. We all had the crud this weekend, just in time for a planned visit with my father. None of us were up for much entertaining, but we made it ok.

My weight isn't getting higher or lower. It has been exactly the same, to the tenth of a pound, for about 9 consecutive days. Frustrating. I had a fill on Thursday but it was tiny. I return in 3 weeks. I can still eat way too much.

I have been to my new gym, and dropped Lucy off with the childcare they offer. They fell in love with Lucy and begged me to bring her back. Pretty cute. I will try to go again tomorrow. After not running during my pregnancy, I am back to square one with fitness. But for now I am just trying to reestablish the habit first.

So far to go to reach my goals! But I am hopeful that I will get there.

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Caution: Extreme Cuteness Ahead

Back to working the band

I have been wanting to blog for quite a while now, and have had many bloggy thoughts to follow up on. Now, I have a spare minute to do it, with baby and daddy asleep, and...my mind is a blank.

It's been hard to find some time to blog lately. Lucy is 7 months old now, and I want to spend all my time with her when I'm not at work. Consequently, I'm never on my computer at home anymore. I can do some limited web-surfing at work (check the news, Slate, etc) but I can't really blog or Facebook, so I'm just not on there much anymore.

I say "limited" because anything that requires real concentration (like blogging) isn't the best thing to do while taking care of a patient, and I couldn't do that. There are definitely moments in a case when the patient is stable, the surgeons are doing something tedious (I work in a teaching hospital, so routine cases usually take a bit longer since there is teaching going on) and I can check out msnbc. But if I become engrossed in writing something...that's not good, so I just don't do that.

Anyway...

I had my upper GI and fill on the 14th. It was good to get back to my original surgeon's office, and to have my insurance pay for this stuff! The upper GI was fine, Dr P said it looked like she had just put the band in yesterday (although it was one of her former partners, actually). She gave me a small fill, which I have noticed a difference from, but I still have a ways to go. I'm working on being mindful about eating, and making better choices, and I think it's helping--I'm bouncing around the same couple pounds, but I'm not gaining. And I switched gyms. Yes, I left my beloved march wellness, probably for good because their one location is really inconvenient now, and they don't offer childcare, so I only ended up being able to go about once a month. We have a 24 Hour Fitness less than half a mile from our house, an easy walk, so I moved over there. I added my husband too, and our dues together are only $10 a month more than I was paying for my own membership at march. And they have childcare. So, win.

Being a new parent, I find myself thinking a lot about how we are going to influence our daughter's attitudes about eating and body image. One thing I think about is that my husband and I have sort of evolved into an ad-hoc dinner style; we rarely plan and execute a sit-down dinner at home for ourselves. We often just grab a snack in the evening instead of making a meal for us both. The nights I work, I will come home sometime between 7 and 8:30 (unless I'm working late, then it's between 10-midnight). Hard to plan, and once I get home I have to put Lucy to sleep because she refuses to sleep if I'm not home (or she wakes up once I get home--don't know how she does it). But I would like Lucy to have a family that eats dinner together. So we'll have to work on this, and figure out what works for our family.

Lucy is growing like crazy. She got her first 2 teeth about 3 weeks ago, and is about to have her upper 2 come through as well. She sits up on her own and crawls on her belly (hasn't figured out how to get that belly off the floor yet). She laughs a lot, often at totally unpredictable things. She loves going on the baby swings at the parks. She usually doesn't like us to feed her solids with a spoon, but she'll eat anything if she can do it herself. She babbles all the time, and says "mama"--it used to be only when she was upset, but now she just says it randomly sometimes. She has the cutest little voice. She is getting so big so fast, it makes us sad sometimes that her tiny baby days are gone so quickly. But we have a blast with her.

A Letter

Dear Left Breast,

I know it is kind of odd to be writing to you. I mean, I don't think you've ever gotten any mail before. But I feel like I owe you a lot these days, and I want to thank you.

Almost 10 years ago, you were huge. I had surgery to reduce you and Right both, which was successful, and which I was quite happy with. That surgery helped me to exercise more and relieved my back and neck pain. You were just too big.

When I had that surgery, though, I didn't realize that one day I really would have the chance to have a baby, and that it would become very, very important to me to breastfeed that baby. I don't regret the surgery, but I had a lot of concerns that I wouldn't be able to provide my daughter with breast milk.

That came true with Right, which has so much scar tissue now inside that my baby could not latch at all, and I can barely express any milk from that side. But you, Left, have been a trooper. Together with some pharmaceutical help, we have provided Lucy with about half of the milk she has drunk in the past 6 months. We grew her strong and tall, with a nice big brain, and have made her very healthy. In fact, so far (knock on wood) she has not been sick once, and she was just a few months old through the winter cold and flu season. Without breast milk, I don't know if her immune system would have been so strong.

Tomorrow Lucy will be 6 months old, and I have weaned off the domperidone. I'm still producing milk, so I am going to keep pumping a few times a day for a little longer--maybe just a day or two--just to see what happens. I am wrapping up this part of my life, and I don't know if I will have another chance to provide a baby with milk. It's hard to say goodbye. But you've given me one of my first important lessons in parenting: that often, things don't go the way you want them to go, and although they might be very important to me, I have to find a way to make peace with it.

Now you are a little droopier than Right, and more painful most of the time. But you've accomplished something remarkable. Thank you for letting me provide something so important for my baby.

Slowly but Surely

I'm tapering my domperidone dose down, and trying to wrap my head around stopping pumping. I have mixed feelings about it, as I think I've shared here before.

The good things are: I've lost 4 pounds, and I have a lot less hunger and cravings for sugary foods since I started tapering. I'm on about half the dose I have been taking at this point. Today I made a Costco run, and was shocked that I didn't even have any desire to get anything in the bakery section (a killer for me, usually) or any sugary goodies. It made the trip much quicker than usual!

The bad, or confusing, things are: I have a hard time letting go of this phase of our lives. Even though pumping doesn't have as many positives connected to it as nursing does, it does feel kind of like weaning from nursing. If Lucy was nursing, instead of just taking expressed milk from a bottle, I would still be doing it and not even considering stopping, even if I gained another 40 pounds over the next 6 months. (Okay, maybe not that much.) But pumping, and only pumping, with a nearly-6-month-old, is tough. Still, I love that I can give her my own milk. It's not saving me any money, between pumping supplies and medication, but it's so good for her, and she enjoys it more than formula, and it's something that only I can make just for her. I will miss that. But this weekend I have another painful blister that bleeds and makes me question pumping at all right now. So I feel it's time to start letting go of pumping, yet I have a hard time with it.

I do want my body back. I do want to fit into clothes and to be able to run again. And I'm mostly sure I want to have another baby, one more, and cannot stand the idea of getting pregnant at an even higher weight and gaining even more weight. I have to give myself these pep talks and remind myself why I am doing this.

Fill and upper GI on April 14!

Coming down to it

This week, I was mistaken for pregnant twice.

This is unacceptable to me. I almost shut down Project Milk right then. I discussed how unhappy my weight and the pumping are making me with hubby. I actually resolved to quit, despite how important it is to both of us that Lucy have 6 months of breastmilk. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I just worried about that day. I am going one day at a time.

I do feel ambivalent about giving up pumping. I do think it is important, and I am proud that I have been able to provided much of her milk despite my physical challenges. At the same time, I have been making every personal decision about my body with my child in mind for 15 months now, and I am ready to have my body be mine again. And I am ready to see my coworkers during breaks instead of spending them huddled in a shower stall every day.

So it starts now. I bought a lovely BOB stroller this week and started the Couch to 5k plan this week. I am slowly tapering the domperidone over the next 3 weeks, but not reducing my pumping frequency yet. And I am watching what I eat. I still won't have my fill until April, but I expect to have made a little bit of progress by then.

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The Date is Set!

April 14 is when I return to my original band surgeon (now that I am back in Portland) and get an upper GI and a fill. About 6 weeks from now, which is actually perfect. By then, Lucy will be 6 months old and I will stop taking domperidone (and probably stop lactating after that), and I'll be ready to start losing weight without fear of damaging my milk supply. In the meanwhile, I am looking for an inexpensive jogging stroller (on Craigslist mostly) to give me more options for working out. I think I might also arrange for our nanny to come once a week so I can go to the gym.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to compile a list of easy-to-prepare, healthy dinners to make quickly and a list of ingredients to keep on hand. Most of the cooking here is done by my husband; sometimes I enjoy cooking, but I don't like the day-to-day meal preparation, and I've never been good at planning ahead for meals, although I know I could save a lot of money if I did.

So, anyone have any favorite go-to recipes for dinner that are healthy and band-friendly (weight loss friendly)? I'd love to hear them!

I'm relieved to start this process. As much as I enjoyed (most of) my pregnancy, and this time of providing nourishment for my daughter, I am ready to fit into my clothes again. I'm also ready to get back into shape.

And there's more. I've been following up on this benign lump in my breast for some time. I've seen a bunch of doctors, and it's not anything dangerous, but they do think I should have it removed. It's large enough that removing it means I need a repeat breast reduction (which I needed anyway) to make things even. But...we still might have another baby, and it would have to be relatively soon if we do (like the next couple years), and I want to try breastfeeding again. Also, I want my tummy tuck at the same time (!). So, I have a referral to a plastic surgeon, but I would need to lose weight first at a minimum. What would make the most sense is waiting for all of that until I've either decided against a second baby or after that baby is born (and weaned). So, that's on the horizon, but I don't think it will be for a few years. Meanwhile, losing weight is definitely part of the plan.

So, one more month of pumping for Lucy. Pumping is so much work. I know I've complained about it before. I don't think if I had a second child that I could do this exclusive-pumping thing again, not with a baby and a toddler running around. It just takes too much time and ties you down too much. 6 months is my max for Lucy because she is already getting too restless to tolerate my pumping schedule. Many pumping sessions get started and abruptly interrupted because she needs or wants my time (and you can't blame a 5 month old for that). I can't see her tolerating it very well beyond 6 months. And it really sucks being tied to that thing every 3-4 hours for at least 30 minutes. I'm going to miss being able to provide milk for Lucy, but not the pumping.

Start where you are!

Looking over at my "About This Blog" blurb to the right, I see that my 4 year bandiversary is coming up on March 13. 4 years sounds like a long time to me. A lot has transpired since my surgery day...I've started and completed graduate school, moved to Spokane and back to Portland, become a CRNA and started a new job, and of course, given birth to the beautiful joy of my life, Lucy. And now, I am getting itchy to get my body back.

I've kept most of the particulars off this blog, like my exact weights, but that feels cumbersome right now, so I'd rather just put it all out there, as I get into a mindset to lose weight and regain my body again after pregnancy and lactation.

A band recap:
Starting weight: 234 in March 2007
Lowest weight: 165 in February 2009
Prepregnancy starting weight: 180 in December 2009
Highest pregnant weight: 209 in September 2010
Current: 196

I actually initally lost all but 5 pounds of my pregnancy weight in the first two weeks post delivery, but when I started domperidone to increase my milk supply, the weight came back on and has stabilized. I've been this weight for at least the last month, with very little variation.

I have very mixed feelings about where I am. On the one hand, I realize that my body is still doing a lot of work in nourishing my child, and it's not the time (yet) to seriously try to lose weight. And I'm happy that I can provide at least some (about half) of my child's nutrition. It's all coming from just one poor post-op breast, so I'm happy I can do this much, and although I still find exclusive pumping hard, I am going to try to make it at least to 6 months. But on the other hand, I really am ready to get my body back, and hopefully get back to my goal weight before (possibly, probably) trying for one more pregnancy.

My goal will be 165. By BMI standards, that seems high, but when I was that weight, I was a size 6 and quite thin. I don't need to be any smaller than that. Maintaining 170 wasn't too tough, but 165 took a little work. We'll see what I am able to do.

Some people get into weight loss mode very quickly and jump right in. I've always found it works best for me to take my time to ramp up to the right mindset. I'm in that process now. I'm just working on paying attention to what I'm eating, not necessarily editing it but making some effort to make good choices. I'm trying to work out still, but am finding it very hard to get out with the baby. Part of it is that I just don't want to spend my time off away from her, so I don't go. I do want to get a jogging stroller now that she is old enough to be in one (around 4 months their necks are strong enough for the jostling) to help me get out more. (That might take some convincing for my husband, since we already have 2 strollers. But I really do think it will help me get more exercise.)

And as for the band? I probably need a fill. I had 1 cc removed at the start of the pregnancy, and haven't had any fill since then. But I definitely need to see how I do with good eating choices first, to determine if I really need one. Because I've never gotten really strong "restriction" signs, and have never felt overfilled, it's always been hard for me to determine if a fill is needed. I suspect I'll find that I want one, but not while I am still pumping, and I doubt they would do it even if I wanted it now. So we'll table that thought for the time being.

Meanwhile, the Lucy Report: She is awesome! She just turned 4 months old, is smiling and sometimes laughing, and can roll over from tummy to back. She's getting very strong and might be sitting on her own in the next few weeks. She can sit in her Bumbo quite nicely. She went through some sleep regression over the last month but has done better the last 3 nights, basically sleeping through the night in her crib like a big girl! We are having so much fun with our sweet girl. She has our hearts for sure!